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Co-Parenting: What should you do when your child says, "I don't want to go".
When it comes to custody, one of the most difficult situations a parent may face is when their child suddenly does not want to go to their scheduled visit with the other parent. The anxiety and sadness you feel as a parent whose child is crying and begging not to you go. A parent’s natural instinct is to do whatever necessary to help the child feel better. An easy and obvious response would be to tell the child they simply don’t have to go. Unfortunately, the law does not base their decisions on emotion alone. Always remember that the ultimate question most family court judges will ask is: “What is in the best interests of the child?" Outside of a situation involving abuse or neglect, the court will almost always hold that it's in child's best interest to continue the relationship with both parents. If your child is refusing visitation with your co-parent due to a reason that directly concerns their safety, bring this to the attention of your attorney or other legal professionals immediately.
As a custodial parent, part of your job is to foster a relationship between your kids and your ex, no matter how difficult the situation may be. Despite the reasons for the break up, experts agree that children should maintain good relationships with both parents. As difficult as it may be, the parents should stay in contact and work together to achieve that goal. Supporting the visitation schedule is an important way to encourage them to build and maintain that bond. No matter the reason for not wanting to see their other parent, custodial parents are responsible for making sure that their child sees their other parent.
Family law courts want to see co-parents working together to encourage their child to spend time with each parent. If the opposite is happening—even if it's what the child wants—courts may not look as favorably upon the parent who appears to be preventing visitations.
Children, especially young children, often get their cues from the adults around them. If you talk positively about visitation, acting like it's a good opportunity and not as if it's a chore or a punishment, your child may be more likely to mirror that perspective and stop refusing to stick to their schedule.
It's important not to just dismiss your child when they don't want to go see their other parent. Have a conversation where you listen to their reasons and validate what they're feeling. Sometimes a child would just like to feel heard and that their wants matter to you, and by listening you could improve their outlook on your custody agreement and make them see going to visit as a good thing. Then, you don't have to "force" your child to do something they don't want to do. Steer away from explaining the technical, legal custody requirements to your child; all they need to know is that their other parent misses them, not that a judge says they have to go.
In Pennsylvania, the courts use the following 16 “best interest” factors when dealing with custody:
- Which party is more likely to encourage and permit frequent and continuing contact between the child and another party.
- The present and past abuse committed by a party or member of a party’s house-hold, whether there is a continued risk of harm to the child and which party can better provide adequate physical safeguards and supervision.
- The parental duties performed by each party on behalf of the child.
- The need for stability and continuity in the child’s education, family life and community life.
- The availability of extended family.
- The child’s sibling relationships.
- The well-reasoned preference of the child.
- The attempts of a parent to turn the child against the other parent.
- Which party is more likely to maintain a loving, stable, consistent and nurturing relationship with the child adequate for the child’s emotional needs.
- Which party is more likely to attend to the daily physical, emotional, developmental, educational and special needs of the child.
- The proximity of the residences of the parties.
- Each party’s availability to care for the child or ability to make appropriate child-care arrangements.
- The level of conflict between the parties and the willingness and ability of the parties to cooperate with one another.
- The history of drug or alcohol abuse of a party or member of a party’s household.
- The mental and physical condition of a party or member of a party’s household.
- Any other relevant factor.
If you are in a situation where your child is reluctant to visit the other parent, keep these factors in mind. In the eyes of the court, and for the best interest of your child, it is always better to encourage the relationship with the other parent. For any difficult custody situations, our experienced family law attorneys are here to help.
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