The editors of The Economist magazine have decided that conversational skills are in decline. To help us all out, they compiled a list of articles to improve our skills—and I’ve been reading my way through them:  “The Art of Conversation,” “The Vital Art of Talking to Strangers,” “The Secrets of Successful Listening,”  “The Importance of Pauses in Conversation,” “Why Men Interrupt,” etc. 

After reading the first few articles, I was excited to jump in with an essay of my own.  But then I read the one about how men are always interrupting people—and thought I should just sit back and let you write to me.  But, being a manly man, here I am with this Sunday Post, interrupting you once again.

According to my mother, conversation has always been easy for me.  She never said I was a good conversationalist—just a busy one.  She decided to fill out one of those baby-books when I was about one. The title of one page was, "Baby's First 50 Words." I’ve still got the book.  My first 50 words included ball, baby, monkey, dog, nose….  But there are only about 40 words on her list.  I’m assuming I must have interrupted her before she could finish it.

It turns out that people have been giving advice about conversation for thousands of years.  One website is titled, “100 verses in the Bible about talking too much.”  That’s probably too many.  We only need five or six if you ask me.  It’s likely that men were the ones coming up with those verses—as had it been women writing the Bible, some guy would have interrupted them after a dozen or so verses on the subject.

Cicero took a crack at helping us improve conversation.  He had nine rules:

1.     Speak clearly

2.     Speak easily but not too much—especially when others want their turn

3.     Do not interrupt

4.     Be courteous

5.     Deal seriously with serious matters and gracefully with lighter ones

6.     Never criticize people behind their backs

7.     Stick to subjects of general interest

8.     Never talk about yourself

9.     Never lose your temper

In 2006, Margaret Shepherd wrote, The Art of Civilized Conversation.  She noted seven ways to tell if you are boring people.  They include 1) never speak uninterrupted for more than four minutes, and 2) if you are the only person with food still left on your plate, stop talking.  The Economist didn’t give us her other five reasons—perhaps she stopped at two because everyone else in the banquet was done eating.

Unfortunately, most of what I read about the art of conversation amounts to, “generally speaking, keep your mouth shut.”  That approach seems insufficient. We need to know the do’s of good conversation, not just the don’ts.  

Taking our conversational skills to the next level isn’t just a neat thing.  It is a necessity.  Conversation is at the heart of virtually every good relationship—and every community that fosters relationships.  Here is my assumption:  when relationships are suffering or lacking, the problems can only be resolved by better communication.  And 90% of the time, that means better conversation.  Good conversation is the primary antidote for our isolation and alienation.  

It would be better if I could go over this with you in a conversation—rather than an essay.  That way you could put in your two cents worth.  And you could also argue with me—which would make our conversation more interesting—and fruitful.  And I could see whether you are getting bored when I speak—and change the subject.  But this article is the best we can do today—as the afternoon is slipping away—and it will almost be my bedtime by the time you get this in your email (or on Facebook.)  Conversation will have to wait for another day.  But for today, here’s what I’ve got:

1.     Good conversation starts inside my own heart.  When I journey to that part of my heart that has empathy, mercy, and grace—I begin to notice (or remember) things about the person before me.  The Bible calls that love.

2.     Love sets us on the path to curiosity.  The word curiosity comes from a Latin word meaning “to care.”  While being nosy is merely the act of a self-serving busy-body, curiosity is the way we take our first steps toward learning what we need to know in order to love a neighbor more.  For me, better conversation involves learning how to develop and express my own curiosity.

3.     Good conversation is a paradox of risk-taking and respect. Conversation remains bland and superficial unless we have some courage to get below the surface. We do that by asking people about their feelings, the backstory of a matter, the alternatives they see before them.  That takes courage.  But when we ask risky questions with respect, we let the other person know that they are welcome to set boundaries to our inquiry anytime they wish—no offense taken on our part.

4.     Without mutuality, self-disclosure is just a lecture from one person to another—or a counseling session.  Not every conversation needs to be strictly 50-50.  But in short order, the relationship needs to move toward conversational balance, and over time maintain it.  If conversation is the primary means we have for loving our neighbor better, then it is condescending for us to maintain our own total invulnerability in the give and take with someone.

5.     Good conversationalists are aware of infertile personalities and situations. Another person may not be in the right frame of mind for a good conversation, or—I may not be in the frame of mind.  And not every setting is conducive to good conversation. And some people will never be good conversation partners, no matter how much we meet them more than halfway. Don't be afraid to move on to someone else.

6.     Story-telling skills are foundational to good conversation.  If all a person has to give me is attitude—whether of the weather, politics, sports, gossip, etc.—I’m going to get bored pretty quick.  I need an account of the drama and comedy going on in a person’s life—the stuff happing inside them and around them—causing feelings and stimulating their responses.  We all have multiple stories of self that are happening all the time.  We all have stories swirling around us that have grabbed our hearts.  No one has a shortage of stories.  We just have a shortage of story-telling skills.  That can be remedied.

Okay, that’s my uninterrupted four minutes.  I’ll stop—for now.  But if you’ve read this far—you owe me a story about yourself.  Let me know when we can get together so I can collect.