New Year, New You? No Thanks.

by Nicholas Demas, Ph.D.

It's that time of year again, when the pressure to make big sweeping changes is at its highest. The familiar sales pitch of “New Year, New You!” is everywhere. It’s as much a part of the holiday season as eggnog, twinkling lights, and ugly sweaters. So why not ride the New Year wave and take big changes to be a New You? Well, for starters, it usually doesn’t work.

In fact, the “New You” approach is so predictably unsuccessful, that most gyms offer memberships with the first month free. They know that January sees the highest rates of signups, but they also know that by January 18^th, attendance rates return to their pre-holiday levels.¹  So what’s going on? Why is it so hard to follow through?

Unfortunately, when we get frustrated and disappointed, we often conclude that it’s a character issue. We start searching for something deep inside that needs fixing, and often beat ourselves up for it not being fixed already.

Do the following thoughts sound familiar?

·      I’m just lazy--I need to get motivated and get serious

·      I need to really change who I am

·      I need to build my confidence if I’m going to really make lasting changes

·      I need to just get over things and do what I need to do

·      If I were stronger / smarter / more disciplined, this stuff wouldn’t be so hard

·      There’s gotta be something about me, that if I just figure it out, things will really start to change

The problem with this line of thinking, apart from it making us feel awful, is that it doesn’t offer any actual solutions. But it keeps convincing us that if we just changed who we are and how we felt (by some feat of magic, presumably), that things would turn around. But instead of trying to change ourselves, what if the only thing that actually needed changing was our approach?

In other words, what if the plan last year just wasn’t so great? That’s it. Nothing more to figure out. No character attacks, no deep unresolved issues that need to be unlocked, no need to be a different person. Just the need for a more effective and realistic plan. One that meets you where you’re at right now and honors your sincere ambitions by giving you specific ideas of what you can do, versus criticisms of who you should be or how you should feel.

So, in the true holiday spirit of good will towards all, why not give some to yourself? Instead of chasing a “New You!”, maybe it’s time to treat the Present You with some helpful and constructive feedback about how to reach your valued goals more effectively. Try to pivot from the reflexive “What’s Wrong with Me?” thinking to, “What Do I Want, and What’s Getting in the Way?”

Three cheers for Present You!

1.     Poon, Linda. “The Rise and Fall of New Year’s Fitness Resolutions, in 5 Charts.” Bloomberg. January 16, 2019

There is a troubling trend of mood disorders including depression rapidly increasing for adolescents. A contributing factor is likely the allure of the digitized world- we are constantly connected, often starting at a very young age. However, these “connections” are often superficial and unfulfilling. As a result, youth may spend more and more time online seeking elusive satisfaction.

Excessive social media may particularly harm girls by increasing depression, reducing self-esteem, disrupting sleep and subjection to cyberbullying. Young boys may be particularly susceptible to internet and gaming addictions, with escapism-use associated with lower self-esteem and increased depression, anxiety, and social withdrawal. Sexual minority youth may be at particular risk for discrimination and harassment online, which can increase depression and anxiety.

How can we start to combat these trends?

Carve out some screen-free time every week. This means all phones, iPads, gaming devices, computers and TVs get turned off or put away (not just face down on the table). Set the example for your child and be fully present in the moment. 

Collaborate to choose a real-life activity to engage in. Perhaps converse while sharing a special meal, walk in a park, go to a museum, play a board game, do an art or crafts project, etc. Begin a family game night or reading time. Seek out and enroll your child in clubs/sports/activities. Be patient- if this is a new initiative it may not be initially well-received- and remember to set the example. Unplugged time will likely benefit parents as well!