Practical Tips to Keep Your Relationships Thriving
If you find yourself feeling isolated, separate, or different from someone you care for, instead of wallowing in those feelings, lashing out or pulling away, do the opposite. Do things that create connection. Follow these six guidelines to keep your love alive:
1. Refrain from telling other people about themselves – “you-ing” whether in the form of unsolicited advice, labeling, sarcasm, criticism, teasing, blaming, evaluating, etc. Instead, talk about what is true for you, your “I”. Give information about what is going on for you and about what you're feeling, thinking, wanting, needing.
2. Bring up one specific incident at a time and don’t begin dragging in everything, right down to the kitchen sink. Avoid the words “always” and “never.” And avoid big overgeneralities, such as "I no longer care for you," "You're gaslighting me," or "You never have anything positive to say." Stay specific.
3. Listen with genuine attention. Ask questions and strive to understand the other person. Don’t defend yourself or strike back with “yous” if attacked. Observe silence or speak your “I” – what’s true for you.
Along these lines, set up a time to talk and listen. When there are differences, each person needs uninterrupted time to talk about what’s on his or her mind while the other listens, with a genuine desire to understand. This is not a discussion. It’s a time to just talk and listen. While listening, strive to walk in the other person’s shoes. When talking, talk about yourself, not the other person and what they might have said or done.
4. Keep your word. Honor the agreements you make. Violating mutual understandings creates separation. Trust is built on integrity between your words and actions. When you need to alter an agreement, talk about it beforehand.
When clarifying misunderstandings, if you violated an agreement, listen to the person that feels violated in order to truly understand their feelings and point of view. It's important to get to a place where you can empathize with what is true for them. After they tell you and you understand them, say what you will do to avoid future misunderstandings. Then, keep your word.
If you feel someone violated an agreement with you by not acting in line with the understanding you believe you had, speak up about how you felt about the specific incident at hand and what you want to be different in the future.
5. Offer genuine appreciations and praise. Look for the good whether it’s a characteristic, quality, or action. Look hard. It’s buried there somewhere. Then voice it… often.
6. Acts of kindness or selfless giving will go far in fostering feelings of connection and love. Initiate physical (not sexual) contact to nonverbaly connect thru a hug, squeeze, or loving look. Ask, “How can I help right now?” or “What can I do?” and do it. Cooperating and helping with a positive attitude goes a long way to melt a heart.
Little gestures offer love in a tangible form. Volunteer to do the dishes. Run an errand. Bring flowers. Call the other person at the office and leave a sexy message. Write a love note. Plan a date night.
7. If you don't feel like you can undertake your relationship remodel alone, reach out to a counselor, or psychotherapist. It's helpful to have a third party to give input, support, and guidance.
As you implement these tips, watch how your love grows. The results will multiply. Small steps done thoughtfully can shift years of habit. Remember, captains steer huge ships with tiny rudders. So shift how you act with those you love and watch how everything changes towards a brighter horizon. With a little awareness, persistence, and practice, you can also navigate whatever twists and turns you encounter, and successfully keep your relationships on the high road.
