If you are standing on the beach with an ocean to your back, you will feel the impact of the waves more acutely simply because you are not prepared for the force from the crash of the waves. Without knowing the size and frequency of the waves coming, your unpreparedness intensifies the shock to your body. It could literally knock you off your feet, as would an unforeseen wave of grief. But if you are facing the ocean, you can see from a distance the size and intensity of the waves and you can choose to brace yourself, rise up to ride over the waves, or decide to retreat if the waves are overwhelming. Such is the case with grief. If you examine events that are coming and anticipate the weight of grief upon you and your level of wellness to withstand the surge, then you can plan accordingly to either brace yourself, strengthen your resolve (through counseling or support), or RETREAT! Yes, retreat is a viable option. You don’t have to involve yourself in an event that you are not yet equipped to handle. You can politely decline attending an event in favor of finding a less intense way to honor those special days (smaller circle of family/friends, solo celebration, etc.). It’s your choice and your right. Additionally, there’s no right or wrong way to go through these hard days. You can change your mind about your level of involvement even on the day of the event if you know your level of tolerance is low. Be honest and patient with yourself. We often suggest having multiple options for handling special days and memorials and communicating these options to your family so they will not need a long explanation if your plans need to change. You can simply say, I am following my plan B today and I thank you for the invitation.
We have many such tips in this month’s Bereavement Bulletin, some that you may be able to use right away. A supportive family/friend circle, grief support group, or even a therapist can help you navigate the waters of difficult days. You might even be surprised at the strength that God provides you to make it a joyous day of celebration! Allow yourself time to grieve and feel the pain of the loss, but also make room for the little joys in every day.
