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Coping with Grief During the Holidays



 “Mourning is the most intense process that most people ever go through. Grief is complex, unpredictable, and primal. Many people are frightened by it-frightened by feeling it, frightened by seeing in others. Fortunately, there are ways to move through it, and those ways all involve expressing your feelings. If you act upon your grief, you will make room in your life and in your heart for hope and happiness. If you suppress it, it sticks around forever. However, unpleasant or disturbing some of those feelings may be, there is no benefit in trying to ignore them.”

This is the first paragraph of Chapter 12 in my book co-written with Nancy Hathaway, entitled Giving Sorrow Words: How to Cope with Grief and Get on with Your Life.

As we approach the holidays and I see more and more people posting remembrances on our Facebook pages, I am reminded of these words over and over again. This year our grief is compounded by world and local catastrophes, violent country invasions, political differences, increased crime, and so much more. Every day the headlines bring more bad news than good and remind us of how fragile life is.

The holidays are an especially difficult time for those of us whose loved ones have died no matter the circumstances. It is even worse when those tragedies and anniversaries occur around this time of year or any holiday for that matter.

My daughter, Cari, was killed just before Mother’s Day and I remember how impossible it was for me to function that day. I did not want any of the affection given to me by my two remaining children. I did not want breakfast in bed, or Mother’s Day cards; I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not feel any more pain. It was difficult for all of us. I will never forget the first Christmas after Cari’s death. The district attorney sent me an envelope with her bloody clothes inside, that included a form letter telling me that now that the case had been resolved, her clothes were no longer needed as evidence. I broke down, sobbed, then got angry, and called them up and gave them a piece of my mind for their insensitivity. All this to say that while some days were tolerable, most (especially in the beginning) were not, and the only way I managed to get through it was taking each day, one step at a time.

I would like to share some things I have learned over the years that have helped me and those I work with who are also grieving. Some of what I would like to share came from the grief facilitating I have done, and even more when I was researching my book. We interviewed hundreds of people and attended a number of grief conferences plus I have faced numerous losses in my own life. I often feel like I have become an unintended “expert” in grief.

Here are ways to cope:

A Message from Candace


One of the best Thanksgivings I ever had was when I first moved to Virginia. I didn't have many friends here at the time and I really wasn't looking forward to spending Thanksgiving alone. My son was in Texas with his new family and my daughter lived in New York. She was the closest so I called her to see if she could get time off from work to visit me for the holiday. She couldn't and I was crushed. I decided since it was just going to be me I would forgo the whole dinner thing and just have dessert, so I bought all kinds. On the day before Thanksgiving she called me from the train station in DC. She was able to get someone to cover for her and decided to surprise me. It was a beautiful surprise. I think I cried all the way from home to the station. Since I had nothing but dessert, we stopped at a restaurant and picked up a bunch of turkey, dressing, etc. On Thanksgiving day, we got up, lit the fire and started eating, starting with dessert. We spent the whole day in our robes, watching Christmas movies and talking about nothing and everything. I still think of that day every year about this time. It helps to deal with the sorrow of missing Cari.


Grief doesn't dominate my life like it used to but it is still there. I think about Cari and what she would be doing if she were still alive. However, over the years I have learned to focus on the other members of my family and enjoy their company. I have also established new traditions and I make the most of the holiday season. That may not be possible yet for many of you.


What helps me the most is knowing that my work as the result of Cari's death will hopefully prevent others from experiencing the same devastation I did. Every once in a while, I receive a thank you from a survivor who just wants to show her appreciation for what I am doing "and how inspiring it is!" I especially like the ones that come from new licensees telling me that now that they have their driver's license they will follow all the rules and pledge to drive safe. That makes my day!

 

This season, remember to focus on simple life saving activities by stopping at stop signs, staying within the speed limit, turning off your mobile devices when driving, keeping your passengers safe, wearing a seat belt and respecting the rules of the road.


No matter what you celebrate I want you to stay safe and have a wonderful time.

 

Because I care . . .

 

Passengers can make a difference.

They can save lives, especially their own.


One Courageous Voice

Can Stop One Deadly Choice

Have the Courage To Intervene.

Take Action and Save Lives


Right now, We Save Lives needs your help. You have the power to help us win this war against increasing traffic violence. We are asking you to donate as much as you can so that we can continue our fight against drunk, drugged and distracted driving.   

 

You have the ability to change the culture of acceptance

surrounding death and injury on our roadways.

 

You can give now through our website or send a check to:

 

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Thank you, as always for caring about this deadly epidemic that will only get worse without your help.

 

Your safety is always our priority.



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