Couples' Newsletter | May 2023
LoveNote2
The Newmans encourage couples to turn towards each other instead of away when presented with daily opportunities to connect; share Mother's Day Brunch locations, announce the book launch date for the anthology on Black men and their mental wellness which includes a chapter written by Dr. Paula Newman; suggest 12 prayers to pray to strengthen your relationships; include the recipe for a delicious Mother's Day dish; provide date ideas; include information about a local marriage retreat; share information about Juneteenth celebrations; and, spotlight a love song to set the mood for a romantic connection.
Happy Spring!
Happy Mother's Day!

Turning Towards One Another and Doing Everything New!

This Spring I’m feeling ‘Tye Tribbett New’! New, new, new….everything new, new, new, new; I’m ready to go; ready for more; I'm ready for new; like it's straight out the store; you already know; I'm ready to flow……Midnight, new heart; I got that new start; new life, new day; it's my life, His way; new praise, new look; new page, new book; new flight, burn up; new wine, turn up…..Looked at my hands, they look brand new; looked at my feet, they look new too; new joy, new strength; lovin' this (loving this) newness. Woo! If you have no idea about what I’m talking about, take a listen, https://youtu.be/INJVkldMTb4 . Spring is the season that symbolizes rebirth, rejuvenation, renewal, and resurrection. We hope you are feeling all these things and more, as individuals and as couples!

In the June 2022 edition of the LoveNote2, we talked about Principle #1 of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, enhance your love maps, which entailed working on getting to know each other more intimately toward creating a more solid friendship, which is the foundation of a happy marriage. Please go check out that issue if you missed it, https://conta.cc/3neuUpB. We haven’t covered the second principle, which is deepen your fondness and admiration for one another. Hopefully, this was a natural result of practicing Principle #1.

A few quick highlights from Principle #2 are: get in the habit of looking for and commenting on your spouse’s good qualities, positive attributes, and actions and behaviors that you appreciate; focus on good times you’ve had together, positive feelings, positive interactions, and the things they are doing right. If you are in the habit of being a Negative Nancy or a Negative Ned, you are reading this and saying to yourself that you are not going to be phony or you are not going to be fake. Well, if you want a new thing, you must do a new thing! I’m ready for new…how about you? Changing how you talk to your spouse is not being phony or fake, it’s being emotionally intelligent and learning and trying skills you don’t have but want to learn to improve your relationship.

Now that you have the reminder about Principle #1 and highlights from Principle #2, I want to talk about Principle #3. Principle #3 is, turn toward each other instead of away. Couples who positively connect with one another in the little moments throughout the day and week are the ones who remain happy. Small moments of connection look like listening to the news together (in the same room) instead of looking at it separately; talking to each other over lunch instead of eating together silently because one of you is scrolling through their phone. John Gottman maintains that we are always making what he calls “bids” for one another’s attention, affection, humor, or support. And we respond to each bid by either turning toward or turning away from one another. Turning towards our spouse builds trust, emotional connection, and passion. And even though we think most of our arguments are about money or household tasks, they are more than likely the result of failed 'bids' for connection (one person trying to reach out to the other for attention, conversation, or support and doesn't get it). Each time we turn toward one another we are filling our emotional bank accounts and what we put in them will serve as a cushion when we hit rough patches.

The first step to turning toward one another is realizing the importance of the 'little moments'. For example, if Sherman and I are in the grocery store approaching check-out and I ask him, “Do you think we have enough toothpaste at home?” and he shrugs his shoulders and says, “I don’t know,” this is a missed or failed 'bid' (he missed a small window of opportunity to positively connect with me). If he says, “I’m not sure, Baby, but let me go get some just in case,” he has turned toward me and made a 'small moment connection'. Meeting a need and being helpful daily does far more for strengthening your marriage than a two-week vacation in Mexico. The two-week vacation only turns up the heat in your marriage if you’ve kept the pilot light burning by staying connected in the 'little moments' every day.

So, what’s the new thing I’m going to do:
  • Notice when Sherman has turned toward me and express my appreciation.
  • Call him mid-morning and mid-afternoon to see how his day is going.
  • Eat dinner at the table with him at least 2-3 nights a week.
  • Go on a weekend outing with him on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, every weekend (e.g., on a drive, to the lake/park, out to eat).
  • Do the bills together rather than separately.
  • Write sympathy cards together for family, church family and friends.
  • Try not to miss a 'bids' especially the ones he may present that may be wrapped in anger or some other negative emotion. Sometimes we react to each other’s negativity and miss the hidden plea/bid. For example, if Sherman is headed to bed and says, “So you’re getting ready to check all your emails this time of night?!” (Going forward, I will remind myself that despite the aggravation in his tone, this is a bid to 'please come to bed with me'.) I usually miss the bid and say, “Yes” and I keep working. But, again... moving forward, I’m going to focus on the bid instead of his tone and say, “No, this can wait until tomorrow. I’ll shut it down and come on up with you.”
  • Not get distracted on my devices and give him attention when he wants it. I’m going to intentionally be present.
  • Spend 20-30 minutes a day at the end of the day, checking in with him to see how his day has been (not discuss any relationship issues, just external stuff and try to be as supportive as I can be).

This is the new that I’m going to do. What are the new things that you’re going to do?!

Again, I’m excited about making things new…. I’ve got a new heart; I got a new start; new life, new day; it's my life, His (God’s) way!

We can’t wait to hear about what you’re doing new!

With Love,


Paula and Sherman Newman

NEW

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:17, NIV)

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26, NIV)

…. put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:24, NIV)

“Go stand in the temple courts,” he said, “and tell the people all about this new life.” (Acts 5:20, NIV)

…and I have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. (Colossians 3:10, NIV)

A new command I give you: Love one another as I have loved you. So you must love one another. (John 13:34, NIV)
Mother's Day Brunch!


Take Mom to Brunch!
(My favorites are bolded.)
May is Mental Health Awareness Month!


Mental Health Awareness Month is the perfect time to announce that I have written a chapter in a soon to be released book on Black men and their mental wellness. The book titled, Breaking the Stigma: A Journey to Mental Wellness for Black Men, is an anthology that is being published by Swiner Publishing Company.

I am thankful for Dr. Nicole Swiner’s vision, and I appreciate the opportunity to contribute to this collection of writings by Kris Stepps, MD, Tauchiana Williams, DSW, Mani Saint-Victor, MD, and Cleopatra Lightfoot-Booker, PsyD.

The book is relevant to this newsletter because the chapter I wrote is about being married to a Black man with mental health disorders. I am excited to have my husband’s permission to tell the story of my experience. I honor, respect and applaud his courage in disclosing his diagnoses wherever we go and encounter people talking about mental health, because this is the best way to break the stigma.

Speaking openly about mental health struggles helps normalize conversations on the topic and creates an atmosphere of openness and trust for others to feel safe sharing their own mental health concerns. We are committed to changing how the world sees mental illness, because per the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), stigma harms the 1 in 5 Americans affected by mental health conditions by shaming them into silence and preventing them from seeking the help they need.

We are sharing because we are not ashamed or embarrassed, which are feelings stigma promotes. What we are is committed…. committed to doing our part to break the stigma because:
  • People experiencing mental health conditions often face rejection, bullying and discrimination, which can make their journey to recovery longer and more difficult.
  • Mental health conditions are the leading cause of disability in the United States.
  • Even though most people can be successfully treated, less than half of the adults in the U.S. who need services and treatment get the help they need.
  • The average delay between the onset of symptoms and intervention is 8-10 years.
  • Suicide is the second leading cause of death of youth ages 15-24 and the tenth leading cause of death for all Americans. (https://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/Pledge-to-Be-StigmaFree)

We greatly appreciate your support! Stay tuned for more information...

There will be a Bestseller Virtual Book Launch on June 19, 2023, for the ebook, and there will be a Book Signing Party for the hard copy on Friday, June 23, 2023, 6-8 p.m. at the Durham Bottling Company.

Mother's Day Dish
BAKED QUESO CHICKEN

Ingredients:
  • Chicken breasts
  • Chicken marinade - olive oil, cumin, chili powder, paprika, garlic powder, dried oregano (or Italian seasoning), salt, and pepper.
  • Olive oil
  • Onion
  • Tomato
  • Jalapeño (optional)
  • Queso - you can use homemade Mexican queso or use store-bought, whichever is easier
  • Fresh cilantro (for garnish)

Instructions:

Marinate the chicken. In a large ziploc bag, combine chicken breasts with 1 tablespoon olive oil and all seasoning including cumin, chili powder, paprika, garlic powder, oregano, salt and pepper. Press air out of the bag and seal tightly. Press the seasoning around the chicken to coat. Let it marinate for at least 15 minutes, up to overnight in the fridge.

Sear the chicken. When ready to cook, heat the remaining 1 tablespoon oil in a large cast-iron skillet for 2 minutes over medium-high heat until the hot oil sizzles. Sear the chicken breasts until nicely browned on both sides, about 4-5 minutes on each side. Once done, transfer onto a plate.

Sauté aromatics. In the same skillet, add onion and tomato and sauté until soft, about 2-3 minutes.

Assemble. Return the chicken to the skillet and top with sautéed onion and tomato. Spread queso sauce evenly over each chicken breast.
(If you don't have a cast-iron skillet, use a 9x13-inch casserole pan).

Bake. Bake on the top rack of a 400F preheated oven for 20-25 minutes until fully cooked through and queso turns golden brown. The internal temperature for the chicken should reach 165 degrees per meat thermometer.

Serve. Garnish with fresh cilantro and serve with cilantro lime rice, crusty bread, or over pasta if desired.


Date Ideas:

Durham Performing Arts Center (DPAC), https://www.dpacnc.com/events/all :

  • Moulin Rouge! The Musical- May 6-14th
  • 1776: The Musical- May 30- June 4th
  • An Evening with Larry the Cable Guy- June 15th
  • The House of Cheer: The Level Up Tour- June 17th
  • 85 South Show LIVE (DC Young Fly, Karlous Miller, & Chico Bean)- July 15th
  • Russell Peters Act Your Age World Tour- July 22nd
  • Ladies R&B Kickback Concert (Jagged Edge, Lloyd, Bobby V, Case, Shai, & J. Holiday)- July 29th
  • The Rocket Man Show: Tribute to Elton John- August 4th
  • Johnny Mathis: The Voice of Romance Tour- August 5th
  • Wicked- August 23- September 17th
  • Chicago- September 28th
  • Patti LaBelle- September 29th

  • Lizzo with Special Guest Latto- May 10th
  • LL COOL J: The F.O.R.C.E. Live featuring The Roots, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Rakim, Juvenile, and De La Soul- July 8th
  • Sam Smith- August 1st
  • Lil Baby featuring The Kid LAROI, GloRilla, GLOSS UP, Rylo Rodriguez & Hunxho- September 11th

Coastal Credit Union Music Park at Walnut Creek, Coastal Credit Union Music Park
  • Hot Summer Nights with TLC, Shaggy, En Vogue and Sean Kingston- Wednesday, June 7th at 7 p.m.
  • Snoop Dogg, Wiz Khalifa, Too $hort & More - H.S. Reunion Tour 2023- Sunday, August 6th at 6 p.m.
  • 50 Cent: The Final Lap Tour- Tuesday, August 15th at 7 p.m.
  • Pentatonix - The World Tour with special guest Lauren Alaina- Saturday, August 19th at 8 p.m.

  • Smooth Nights at KBA: Featuring Jazz Greats, Incognito and Maysa- June 2nd
  • Summerfest: The Music of Whitney Houston- June 3rd
  • Summer Jam 2023: Featuring Morris Day and The Time with Special guest Confunkshun- June 23rd
  • Smooth Nights at KBA: Rahsaan Patterson and Loose Ends Featuring Jane Eugene- September 9th

Greensboro Coliseum Complex, https://www.greensborocoliseum.com/events
  • Straight Jokes! No Chaser Comedy Tour: Mike Epps, Cedric the Entertainer, D.L. Hughley, Earthquake & D.C. Young Fly- May 12th
  • Kevin Hart: Reality Check Tour- May 17th
  • Summer Block Party presents Jodeci with SWV & Dru Hill- July 30th at White Oak Amphitheater
  • Anita Baker, The Songstress Tour with special guest Babyface- November 18th

  • Keb Mo’- May 9th
  • Leslie Jones LIVE- June 2nd
  • Ziggy Marley- June 27th
  • Stayin' Alive - The Ultimate Bee Gees Show- September 15th
  • Brian Culbertson- November 14th

Steven Tanger Center for the Performing Arts, https://www.tangercenter.com/events
  • Greensboro Symphony: Branford Marsalis on Saxophone- Thursday, May 11th
  • The Love Triangle: An Evening of Love (Marsha Ambrosia, Raheem DeVaughn, KeKe Wyatt)- Friday, June 16th
  • Ashanti & Ja Rule- Friday, October 6th

Goodnight’s Comedy Club, https://www.goodnightscomedy.com/calendar
  • Tim Shropshire- May 25th at 7:30 p.m.
  • Danny Ragland “DannyRag”- May 28th at 7:00 p.m.

Raleigh Improv, https://improv.com/raleigh/
  • Chico Bean- May 6-7th
  • DeRay Davis- June 2-4th
  • Jesus Trejo- June 9-11th
  • Kevin Farley- June 15th
  • Eddie Griffith- June 16-17th
  • Shawn Wayans- June 30- July 1st
  • Affion Crockett- July 21-23rd
  • Aries Spears- August 11-13th
  • Bill Bellamy- August 25-27th
  • D.L. Hughley- September 1-3rd
  • Craig Robinson- September 15-17th
  • New York Comedy Kings Capone, Talent Harris, Rob Stapleton, Mark Viera and Drew Fraser- October 13-15th
  • Chris Estrada- October 20-22nd

Seven Springs Farm and Vineyard, https://sevenspringsvineyards.com/
  • Live Music Saturdays, 1-5 p.m. (Live DJ, Dancing, Food Truck, Wine)
  • Jazz Festival, Saturday, May 13th, 2-8 p.m. with Chan Hall, Rick Elliot, and Greg Amos)
  • GoGo Festival, Saturday, May 27th , 2-8 p.m.
Shawn Wayans at the Raleigh Improv!
Juneteenth

Friday, June 16, 2023

  • Wake Forest Juneteenth Community Gathering- 4:00 pm to 6:30 pm | FREE | Taylor Street Park, Wake Forest

Saturday, June 17, 2023

  • Mebane Juneteenth Freedom Day Community Celebration- 10:00 am to 2:00 pm | FREE | Mebane Community Park
  • Chapel Hill-Carrboro Juneteenth Celebration- 10:00 am to 3:00 pm | FREE | Hargraves Community Center
  • Black History Trolley Tour (4 start times)- 11:00 am to 3:00 pm | $10.00 | Mordecai Historic Park
  • Celebrate Freedom -- Cary's Juneteenth Program- 11:00 am to 3:00 pm | FREE | Sertoma Amphitheatre at Bond Park, Cary
  • Wake Forest Juneteenth Celebration: Freedom Walk and Festival- 11:00 am to 3:30 pm | FREE | Dubois Center, Wake Forest
  •  Apex Juneteenth Celebration- 11:00 am to 6:00 pm | FREE | Apex Historic Depot
  • Raleigh Juneteenth Festival at Garner Road Community Center- 1:00 pm to 6:00 pm | FREE | Garner Road Community Center, Raleigh
  • Capital City Juneteenth Celebration: Festival at Dix Park- 1:00 pm to 6:00 pm | FREE | The Chapel at Dix Park

Sunday, June 18, 2023

  • Durham’s 18th Annual NC Juneteenth Celebration- 2:00 pm to 6:00 pm | FREE | Golden Belt Campus
  •  Wake Forest Juneteenth Celebration: An Evening with Eugene Brown -- Chess Event- 4:00 pm to 8:00 pm | FREE | Wake Forest Renaissance Center
  • Black History Trolley Tour (4 start times)- 11:00 am to 3:00 pm | $10.00 | Mordecai Historic Park
Love Song Spotlight

Odyssey by Devin Hoffman and Brandon Rogers, https://youtu.be/d3AP4LOcIEo

Finance Matters

Additional Date Ideas:


Communication is Key






Zach Brittle, LMHC, maintains that masters of relationships repair early and often. And they have lots of strategies for how to repair. John Gottman describes a repair attempt as “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” Because every relationship is different, you may have to try different repair strategies before you identify the ones that work best for you. And as it is with most things that you try that are new, you must be in the right frame of mind to try it.

Try some of the following repair strategies when you need to say you are sorry….

1.      My reaction was too extreme. I’m sorry.
2.      I really blew that one.
3.      I really messed up.
4.      Let me try that again.
5.      I want to be gentler (calmer or softer) with you right now and I don’t know how. I’m sorry.
6.      Tell me what you hear me saying.
7.      I can see my part in all this.
8.      How can I make things better?
9.      Let’s try that one over again.
10.  What you are saying is….
11.  Let me start again in a softer, calmer way.
12.  I’m sorry. Please forgive me.



Sherman and Paula Newman| 919-730-1107 | lovenote2@hotmail.com | NIFS website, www.newmanskillbuilding.com