Kids and their families marching in a local Pride parade, June 2022

5 Things Kids with Gender-Expansive Identities Would Like Adults to Know

by NTTAC’s Infant and Early Childhood Mental Health Transformation Team + student contributors

June 2022

This spring, NTTAC’s Infant & Early Childhood Mental Health Transformation Team hosted a webinar by author, national policy expert, and public health advocate Willy Wilkinson about Supporting Gender Diversity in Young Children.  

Following the fascinating conversation with webinar participants, our team members had the chance to learn from school-age children who had the courage and supportive environments to express their creative gender identities during their early childhood years, as well as the families of these kids. Here, we present 5 things kids who are gender-expansive would like adults to know about what has been most helpful to them as they grow into their identities.

This resource is structured by quotes that summarize advice by school-age kids who are gender-expansive to adults who support kids on the journey of embracing their gender identities. Their advice is followed by additional resources from NTTAC’s Infant and Early Childhood Team.

Brief overview of the words we use: cisgender, transgender, and non-binary

Some children have gender identities that are different from what was assigned to them by adults at birth—or even at the time of ultrasounds during pregnancy. These young people are gender diverse, and also sometimes called gender non-conforming. When someone’s identity matches what was assigned at birth, they are cisgender and identify with the binary identities of male or female. Some children and adults have gender identities that are not exclusively male or female, which is called a non-binary identity. Non-binary children we spoke to for this resource reported “feeling in-between being a girl and boy” and “sometimes like a girl and sometimes like a boy, but never completely a boy or girl.” Transgender or trans identities may also begin to emerge during early childhood. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP, 2018), kids who are trans have gender identities that don’t match the cultural expectations of their assigned gender role. For example, a trans child who was assigned male at birth may consistently let people know they are a girl. The AAP further explains that kids who are questioning gender roles assigned at birth may start to express more expansive gender identities during their preschool years, and this matches the timeline the children and families we spoke with reflected on. A child who contributed to this resource expressed that “there was always something that didn’t feel right” about the gender they were assigned at birth, and that being “non-binary just suits me and my personality better.”  

It is also important to understand the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. Gender identity has to do with how a person of any age sees themselves and their own experience of gender. Sexual orientation is who a person is attracted to, and is not necessarily something that young children are thinking of. One young person that we spoke to expressed “right now it is about who I am, not who I am going to love someday.” Some words used to describe sexual orientation are gay, bisexual, lesbian, heterosexual or straight. For this resource, we focus on how expansive gender identities unfold in childhood.

Kid Advice and Resources

#1: “Even though I am a kid, I am the one who knows myself best. Adults should listen to what kids know is true in their hearts and in their minds.”

Children know a lot about themselves, and their sense of self emerges throughout childhood. Gender is just one part of a child’s complex identity, and gender identity can unfold over time as people learn more about themselves. According to Gender Spectrum, an important concept for adults who are part of a caregiving team for a child with an expansive gender identity is letting go of “the need for you to define who your child is” and giving children with gender-expansive identities “the space to define who they are.” Another student contributor talked about certainty over their gender expression, but understood some forms of their expression were confusing to adults: “I know whatever choice I make for myself is fine. It doesn’t matter if I want to get some things that girls get, like piercing my ears, or some things that boys get, like shaving the sides of my head in a style a lot of boys have. I can still be a they/them and do anything I want to with my appearance.” 

A common reaction from family members who are on their own journeys of processing a child’s emerging gender identity is to think that what is unfolding is “just a phase.” Remember, from the perspective of kids with expansive gender identities, convincing others that they know who they are better than anyone else can be especially difficult.

Pride parade sign created by a student and included with their permission

OTHER RESOURCES

Gender identity development in children by the AAP

How to support LGBTQ children by the Child Mind Institute

Calvin, a children’s book about a transgender child by JR and Vanessa Ford, proud parents to a trans girl

#2: “We know it's hard for adults, but try your best to remember our pronouns.”

Some pronouns kids and adults use are: she/her, he/him, they/them, and ze/hir. We can’t always know what pronouns a child uses to refer to themselves or would like us to use about them just by looking at them, listening to them speak, or noticing what they are wearing. One young person we spoke to let us know, “I don’t mind using all of the pronouns—she, he, they—because nothing is exactly right.” Other kids expressed that when adults assume and use the wrong pronoun, “it feels like you don’t see me and you don’t know who I am.” Another child commented, “when I changed my pronouns, I actually finally felt like I fit in. When people saw me as just a girl, I always felt excluded and that it wasn’t right.” Listen and take kids seriously when they let you know they are changing their pronouns. Even though the gender neutral pronouns such as “they” that a kid uses may be different from what you learned as grammatically correct, these more expansive pronouns are all considered grammatically correct now (according to the Associated Press and Chicago Manual of Style). Most importantly, be sensitive and follow a child’s lead about the pronouns they are using.   

OTHER RESOURCES

It feels good to be yourself: A book about gender identity is a children’s book by Theresa Thorn that provides examples of the “never-ending number of ways to be yourself in the world.” 

Jacob’s school play: Starring he, she, and they! by Sarah and Ian Hoffman is a children’s book published by the American Psychological Association (APA) that provides a way to introduce young children to non-binary identities.

Why I had a hard time calling my transgender child ‘they’ -- and why I am doing it anyway is a 2018 article that appeared in the Washington Post by Deborah Melina, an editor at the New England Journal of Medicine.

#3: “Gender is harder for adults to understand than it is for kids. It is way more than the body we were born with.”

Kids with expansive gender identities we spoke with for this resource let us know that understanding and getting pronouns right, and accepting the “bigger” identities that underlie pronouns, was much easier for their friends than it was for parents or other family members. We know that many children and youth are in unfriendly social and political contexts for expressing their diverse identities. However, kids in more supportive school and community contexts that contributed to this resource described their friends and same-age peers as holding more open and flexible views about gender identity and the ways it can unfold. The kids we spoke to also elaborated about the understanding they have received from their friends during their transitions, with one child noting that “I let my friends know more than once that I was changing my pronouns, to make sure they all understood since they didn’t have any questions about it. It just didn’t seem like a big deal to other kids.” Another student expressed gratitude for a friend in the same grade who came out as non-binary first, stating “I was glad I knew someone else who felt the same way. It really helped me understand that being different is nothing to be afraid of.”

Changing pronouns, hairstyles, and clothing, and sometimes names are significant milestones in gender identity development for gender-expansive kids, yet these milestones are sometimes hard for the adults closest to them to understand and accept. Adults will have to make adjustments in how they think about and refer to their kids. Family members and caregivers may be worried about whether a child who is questioning or coming out may be accepted. Adults will find many places to seek support for themselves while they center their child’s social-emotional needs,such as advocacy organizations for families with parents and kids with diverse gender identities and their allies that have produced many of the resources we link to.

OTHER RESOURCES

Gender Spectrum has several drop-in, virtual support groups for parents and grandparents of children of different ages who are gender expansive (from early childhood through the teenage years).

PFLAG developed a resource for grandparents about supporting your LGBTQ+ grandchild.

The Trevor Project developed a guide to being an ally to transgender and nonbinary youth.

#4: “The most important thing to do is accept and encourage kids.”

When young children express their creative gender identities in words or actions, parents, teachers, and other adults in nurturing roles who respond in an affirming and supportive way are building a foundation of love and acceptance. Educators from the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) advise that “kids are very sensitive to a lack of support,” so parents and other adults in caregiving roles for kids with expansive gender identities can prevent potential negative, long-term health outcomes by providing an environment of encouragement and support. 

Many mental health and child development experts have asserted that providing unconditional support in a family context is invaluable for kids who are questioning and exploring their gender identities. Examples of how this kind of support can unfold in early childhood include: empowering kids to make their own choices about the clothes they wear, the toys they play with, or the roles they inhabit while playing—no matter whether these choices match the gender they were assigned at birth. Kids we spoke to for this resource expressed that simply letting a child who is questioning know that you are “there for them no matter what” can go a long way.

OTHER RESOURCES

Human Rights Campaign Glossary of Terms

PFLAG, the largest organization for LGBTQ+ people, their parents and families, and allies

The Gender Wheel is a curriculum for children of different developmental levels and ages based on a holistic approach to gender.

#5: “If a kid wants to change the way they dress and how they wear their hair, don’t ask a million questions, just embrace it!”

Trans and non-binary kids who contributed to this resource advised adults to “listen without judgment,” and to “do your own research” rather than asking a kid extensive questions about the kinds of clothes a kid chooses to wear or other forms of expression that may not match the gender they were assigned at birth. Kids expressed that adults may need to learn about their transition, and it may take time. One student described support received from a parent when coming out as non-binary: “my mom told me I had a lot of courage and that she would support me and help other people understand. I felt very happy that I could finally be myself.”

The organization Family Equality has many resources that can help adults understand how they can contribute to the safety and happiness of a child who is questioning the gender they were assigned at birth, or transitioning from that role. These resources provide many family perspectives that may help adults understand that a child who expresses an expansive gender identity is the same well-loved child; their gender identity can make them more complex and authentic, and more in need of more support from adults.  

OTHER RESOURCES

The gender-creative child: Pathways for nurturing and supporting children who live outside gender boxes is a 2016 book for adults supporting gender-expansive children by developmental and clinical psychologist Diane Ehrenseft.

10,000 dresses is a 2008 children’s book by Marcus Ewart about a boy who dreams of dresses, and at first faces resistance from family members.