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As I sit here anticipating the aufruf of my daughter, Samantha, and my future son-in-law, Reid, I am smiling. But I am also thinking about how appropriate Parashat Kedoshim is as the official kickoff to the nuptials that are scheduled for May 18th. Let me try to explain.
As the couple gets closer to standing under the chuppah, I have begun to realize how holy the moment is. The time is marked by 2 individuals becoming one. Once all the blessings are said, the rings are exchanged, and the vows are made, each of their lives will change forever in a profound, powerful, and wonderful way.
The very name of the first part of the wedding ceremony reveals much about Judaism’s perspective. It is called kiddushin, meaning holiness, because marriage provides the opportunity to sanctify their lives.
Variations of the word Kedusha, the overriding theme, permeate and are woven throughout the ceremony. The blessing over the wine, the Kiddush, is recited twice. When the ring is placed on the fingers of the kallah, the bride, and the Chattan, the groom, the words which officially mark the point at which the couple is married are pronounced: “Aht/Ahtah mekudeshet/mekudahsh lee...: You are betrothed unto me,” once again, using the root word kadosh, holy.
In Hebrew, holiness implies distinguishing something by setting it apart and making it separate. A husband and wife share a unique bond, unlike what they experience with anyone else in the world. But that still does not tell us how they will continue to achieve sanctity, and why it is important.
This is why the subtle and secret message of the wedding ceremony can be so instructive.
The Kiddush wine, a symbol of joy and happiness, is both bitter and sweet, as is life. In this context, we are told, “lo tov heyot adam levado” (It is not good for a person to be alone). Life is better when shared with another. As we will say when we raise the cup of wine, “May life’s joys be heightened, its bitterness sweetened and each of its moments hallowed”. It is as if the rabbis suggest that a married couple learn to engage the world together as a strong and vibrant unit.
This is fine for under the Chuppah, in a controlled environment. But once together, how does a couple go about making themselves and world more holy. One way is shown in this week’s Torah portion, Parashat Kedoshim. It begins with God telling the Israelites that: "You shall be holy, because I the LORD am holy."
If God says that we shall be holy and, if at the same time, we know that God created humanity in God’s image. The first place to be holy is with each other. When the couple look into each other’s eyes they need to know that they are looking into something holy. If this is the starting point, they will always remember to treat each other with love, respect, and friendship.
But how does this translate into relating to the world. The Torah portion is instructive, but first we need to look at the world “holy”. The Hebrew word for Holy is “Kadosh” whose root, קדש (k.d.sh.), also figures prominently in many parts of our Jewish liturgy. For instance, on Shabbat, and at other times, we sanctify the moment by saying the Kiddush. When a person is in mourning, she says the Kaddish. In our daily liturgy, during the Amidah, the central prayer in the Jewish tradition, we say the Kedusha. All of these usages of the word signify the sanctification of a thing or a moment, taking something and making it holy, whether it is a day, or a loved one who has passed away, or God. The question arises though, what is “Holy”?
When God tells the Israelites that they will be holy because God is holy, God doesn’t give a definition of “holy”. If no definition is given, how are we supposed to know what “holy” is? The Torah tells us about “holy” not by telling us what it is, but by telling us “how” we can be holy. This is the brilliance of Torah; it provides us, and the young couple, with a blueprint to follow. It is as if the Torah is saying that holy is not defined by words, it is defined by actions. In short, we become holy because of the things we do.
The additional beauty of how the Torah outlines holiness for us is that many of the “holy” acts have a number of ways in which they can be interpreted or implemented. Such exhortations as “revere your mother and father”, “neither curse the deaf, nor put a stumbling-block before the blind”, “love your neighbor as yourself”, or “Leave a portion of your crop unharvested so the poor can collect it”, each have a “holy” message. Equally true is the fact that each has any number of ways in which it can be performed. The common element is that each requires some form of action by a person, or a couple, even if that action is inaction.
As the couple begins their married life together in holiness, the Torah provides ample ways for them to continue to be holy. In so doing they will, not only strengthen their own relationship, but strengthen the world as well. Because of who they are and because of our Torah and tradition, I know that Samantha and Reid will, in holiness, face the world with love, with happiness, with wisdom, and with strength.
And my smile is punctuated by a tear of happiness sliding down my cheek.
Shabbat Shalom – Rabbi Michael S. Jay
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