I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. - Galatians 2:20 NIV
|
|
I was overwhelmed with the love and transformational power of Jesus Christ when I was Colorado Springs at the end of January for the Restored Hope Network board retreat. I arrived a day before the meetings to see some of the beautiful scenery in the area. The presence of the Lord was with me in a tender way as I drove through the sandstone mountains. My first trip to Colorado was in the summer of 1984. I was twenty-three years old and very far from Jesus; struggling with bulimia and bound by homosexuality. It was during that trip that a friend told me how much Jesus loved me and how much I needed Him. I dedicated my life to Jesus a few days after we returned from Colorado and things have never been the same since. I had no idea what life in Christ would be like. Some struggles like bulimia fell away instantly. Others, like homosexuality, lingered.
Although looking relatively clean on the outside, I continued to wrestle with obsessive homosexual thoughts. As much as I tried to fight my unwanted same-sex attractions in my own power, I couldn’t find victory. After battling for over fifteen years, I finally came to the end of myself in 1999. I had no more strength left for the fight. I was finally honest with God and told Him that everything I had tried to do to fix myself didn’t work. I surrendered to Him. I gave Him permission to do whatever He wanted to do to change me. He did. And He is.
|
|
Within a short time of my surrender, God supernaturally introduced me to Tom Cole, who directed Reconciliation Ministries at the time. I became a participant in the Living Waters program and hope was birthed in my heart as I heard the personal testimonies of men and women who fought the same battle I was fighting and found freedom. I learned more about the love and grace of God, and how Jesus’s death and resurrection really can transform our hearts. The more I allowed the Holy Spirit into the dark areas of my soul, the more I experienced His love and healing. The obsessive homosexual desires began to fall away and I began to understand who I really am in Christ… a dearly loved, redeemed, son of Father God.
I am so thankful for all that the Lord has done in my heart in the 37 years since that trip to Colorado. I am thankful for the men and women who prayed for Reconciliation Ministries and supported the ministry financially. They provided the opportunities for me to experience the healing power of Christ. Your prayers and financial support of this ministry can provide opportunities for other men and women who are bound by sin to experience freedom. Please make a donation today by clicking here. Your prayers and financial support can change lives for eternity.
In Christ,
Dan Hitz and your friends at Reconciliation Ministries
|
|
The Secret Shame of Male Sexual Abuse
Dr. Doug Carpenter
|
|
Dr. Doug Carpenter is the author of the book, Secret Shame: A Survivor’s Guide to Understanding Male Sexual Abuse and Male Sexual Development. He is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Michigan. He and his wife, Mary Carpenter, LMSW; are the founders of Insight Counseling Services. Dr. Carpenter has a doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology from Forest Institute of Professional Psychology; earned a Master of Science in Counseling and Substance Abuse Rehabilitation from Pace University; and has an Associate of Arts in Theological Studies from Kent Christian College. Dr. Carpenter has extensive study and therapeutic skills in the area of gender role conflict, shame, sexual abuse and trauma, and chemical and behavioral addictions. You can find more information about his counseling services at http://www.insightcounselingpc.com/. This article is printed with the permission of Dr. Carpenter.
|
|
A famous psychologist, Carl Jung, said that “Shame is a soul eating disease.” Sexual abuse is the secret shame that lies deep within boys and men. For decades, the focus of sexual abuse research, educational programs, and media has been on the suffering of females. There has been much less attention given to the effects of sexual abuse on males. |
|
Men who have experienced sexual abuse deserve to be heard and to heal! The wounded inner child deserves to be comforted and protected, and the adult deserves to be free of the impact of sexual abuse and move into living a happy life free of emotional, physical, relational, and sexual dysfunction and compulsivity.
The effects of sexual abuse are vast and individualistic. There are commonalities, such as sexual identity confusion. However, the degree it affects a man on an individual basis is limitless. The American Psychological Association reports that 40% of men who are sexually abused will experience no ill effect. However, that leaves 60% of men who will have some problems ranging from mild to severe. The research identifies that men wait anywhere from 20-26 years... [read more]
|
|
Sexual abuse interferes with the natural process of imprinting and the development of a healthy sexual template. Our initial sexual experiences form a mental imprint, these sexual experiences are written on a blank canvas and become the template the mind compares and returns to when further sexual thoughts, feelings, and experiences occur. Most individuals can remember their first sexual experience, wanted and unwanted, in fairly great detail. Sexual abuse and exposure to sexually explicit materials take the sexual template awry. Early awakenings of sexual material can significantly increase sexual curiosity to unhealthy levels and encourage seeking out sexual information via unhealthy means.
At times, the abuse was so traumatic the boy used the defenses of dissociation and repression to survive. In these instances, the mind struggles to remember the details of the event or has absolutely no memories. This can result in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and associated symptoms such as flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and body memories. [read more]
|
|
Sexual identity confusion is the number one issue faced by sexually abused males. Adolescence is considered a time of storm and stress along a normal continuum of development. Adding sexual abuse and trauma only compounds the stressful work that occurs during this era of life. Children and adolescents lack the cognitive skills to understand what is happening to them and how they arrived in an abusive situation. They cannot make meaning of the abuse.
A significant step in the healing process is understanding the automatic process of the human response cycle. The male body responds to visual cues and physical stimulation. The male body cannot decipher between abuse, sex, and intimacy. This process leaves a boy confused about his body. Why did it respond to another male? Why did I feel both scared and excited? Why did my body betray me and respond to another man when it is only supposed to respond to a female concerning sex? Why did I get an erection? Why did I ejaculate? Many boys and men struggle with believing their bodies betrayed them at a crucial point in their life. This creates a plethora of deep questions about their sexuality and masculinity. Many sexually abused males report the sense of having their masculinity robbed from them as a result of the abuse and that it somehow feminized them. [read more]
|
|
Male sexual abuse has a high risk of creating an array of sexual problems. Many times, men do not even understand the connection between their abuse and their problematic adult patterns of behavior. It may lead to complete abstinence from sexual and romantic relationships. On the other hand, the early awakening of these desires can lead to problematic relationships with pornography and sexual addiction. The research also shows a correlation between sexual abuse and later sexual dysfunction. [read more]
|
|
Successful treatment for sexually abused men involves several steps. First, the man must be able to let go of the masculine veneer he hides behind. He must get in touch with his feelings, make himself vulnerable, be willing to share his story, and first accept that he was a victim. He must stop the self-blame and accept that his perpetrator was a masterful manipulator. Children cannot consent to sexual acts. The second stage in healing is being able to take the facts and make meaning of the events. The man comes to understand his childhood vulnerabilities and how the perpetrator took advantage of those. He may also come to understand more about the perpetrator’s life and why or how he became an abuser. The man accepts that he survived the abuse. Third, the man makes healthier choices for his life. He begins moving from being a survivor into being a thriver. He identifies healthy coping skills and implements them into his daily life. He increases his overall self-care physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and sexually. Lastly, he begins to engage in healthy relationships with others. This happens through forming healthy male and female friendships, pursuing healthy and authentic love relationships, staying connected to an accountability partner, therapist, and/or group of people where he can share and live authentically as himself and eventually can use his story to help others. He frees himself from the shame he has lived in for many years. |
|
© 2022 Dr. Doug Carpenter, Psy.D., L.P. This article was printed with permission.
|
|
Male Sexual Abuse and Male Sexual Development
by Dr. Doug Carpenter, Psy.D., L.P.
|
|
As a clinical psychologist for the past twenty-four years treating men’s issues, my work has centered on the sexual trauma of men and how it is the driving force to multiple forms of addiction, especially sexual compulsivity. Throughout the years, I struggled to find a helpful resource for men that provided the information necessary for them to understand their trauma and the deep shame they carry. Male sexual abuse is complicated and the shame it engenders attacks the very essence of a man’s core beliefs of himself, his masculinity, and his sexuality.
The book is filled with information from hundreds of research articles, yet is written in common language understandable to the reader. The book examines the occurrence of male sexual abuse, the negative effects sexual abuse has upon the survivor, and the influence it has upon male sexual development, sexuality, and subsequent sexual behavior. It contains personal accounts of thirteen men who were individually interviewed by the author and who were courageous enough to share their in-depth experiences of sexual abuse and its implications upon their sexual development and sexual lives. The chapters highlight various aspects of their stories to help bring insight into the reader’s own experience.
Secret Shame: A Survivor’s Guide to Understanding Male Sexual Abuse and Male Sexual Development explores all of these topics in-depth. To help the sexually abused man work through these steps on his own or with a therapist, I have also created the Secret Shame Workbook that is complementary to the main text. The chapters coincide and offer a roadmap through the healing process.
|
|
Dr. Doug Carpenter, Psy.D., L.P.
Insight Counseling Services
(248) 923-2099
|
|
Healing Hearts is a confidential Christian support group for families and friends of those embracing homosexual and transgender identities. Learn how to love your LGBTQ identified loved one without compromising your Christian convictions. The next meeting will be held at Renewal Church on Sunday, February 13th from 2:00 - 4:00 pm. Renewal is located at 11174 E 13 Mile Road, between Hoover and Van Dyke in Warren. March’s meeting will be held via Zoom on Sunday, March 13th from 2:00 - 4:00 pm. For more information on upcoming meetings and an invitation to the Zoom meeting, call Renee at 313.937.3422.
|
|
Healing from Sexual Abuse:
You were a victim. Now you're a survivor. Become a thriver.
|
|
Dr. Doug Carpenter, author of Secret Shame: A Survivor’s Guide to Understanding Male Sexual Abuse and Male Sexual Development, will be leading a men’s healing retreat for those who have been sexually abuse. This virtual retreat is held in conjunction with the Husband Material online healing community founded by Drew Boa. The cost is $197 per person, and includes teachings and small group time. It will be held online from Friday evening, February 25th through Sunday morning, February 28th. You can find out more information about the retreat at http://husbandmaterial.com/retreat. You can find out more about the Husband Material online community at https://www.husbandmaterial.com/. Dr. Carpenter and his wife are the founders of Insight Counseling Services in Auburn Hills. Visit their website at http://www.insightcounselingpc.com/. Dan Hitz, director of Reconciliation Ministries will be one of the small group leaders for this event.
|
|
Reconciliation Ministries of Michigan, Inc.
11174 East 13 Mile Road
Warren, MI 48093
(586) 739-5114
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
