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Vayigash- Stop disrespecting me
This Friday is a fast day, the 10th day of Teves. As such, I will be applying the Parsha lesson in a way which is geared towards self-reflection and thinking about one’s own growth- as is appropriate for a fast day.
Background
At the beginning of this week’s Parsha, the story picks up in the middle of the final scene in the drama of the brothers of Yosef going to Egypt to procure provisions for their family and having to grapple with the mysterious and brilliant ruler of Egypt (Yosef). At first Yosef accused the brothers of being spies. Then, as proof of their not being spies, Yosef kept Shimon as a hostage in order that the brothers would prove their innocence by bringing their 11th brother, Binyamin, down to Egypt for Yosef to meet him.
Yakov refused. Reuven, and then Yehuda, tried to convince Yakov that they absolutely needed to bring Binyamin with them and only upon receiving a guarantee from Yehuda, and their food being very close to running out, did Yakov agree for Binyamin to leave.
When the brothers returned to Egypt, at first it seemed that everything was going well- this ruler seemed to have been favorably inclined to the brothers upon meeting Binyamin. Their brother Shimon was reunited with them, they dined with the ruler in his private palace and finally they were headed back to Eretz Yisroel, all together, with all of the necessary provisions. And then, on the road, a platoon of Egyptian soldiers caught up with them, led by the head of household of this mysterious ruler who accused the brothers of stealing the ruler’s magical cup. After professing their innocence, they opened up their sacks of provisions and found that Binyamin had been framed with stealing Yosef’s cup.
At this point the brothers were quite upset. This whole charade had felt like a setup and a contrived plot from the very beginning and now this was the final straw. The plot seemed to all come together- this was all a big ruse and farce in order for Binyamin to be forced out of his father’s home and to then be pressed into slavery in Egypt. This was too much for the brothers to bear and the leader of the brothers, Yehuda, stepped forward to face-off against Yosef. And this is where our parsha picks up.
Yehuda approaches Yosef and tells him to not become angry with him, for he, Yosef, is like Pharoah. What do these cryptic words mean? The Seforno explains that Yehuda was telling Yosef- even though I am about to accuse you of having been responsible for the course of events, that this whole episode is your fault, nonetheless you should not become angry with me. Why? Because the reason why I am accusing you of being responsible for this sequence of events is not because I don’t respect you. To the contrary- I respect you greatly, just as I respect Pharoah himself.
Question
Why would Yosef think that Yehuda is accusing him of being responsible because he does not respect him? And why would Yosef, having been accorded respect by Yehuda, now not become angry!?
Yehuda’s accusations would seem to make Yosef angry because Yehuda was accusing Yosef of doing something wrong! Not because he doesn’t respect him. The only thing which is clear, and is not being addressed or mitigated by Yehuda at all, is the fact that Yehuda is accusing Yosef of doing something wrong which Yehuda does nothing to soften or explain otherwise.
Yehuda is essentially saying to Yosef- ‘with all due respect, you have caused this whole unfortunate situation and this is all your fault!’ How does assuring Yosef of the tremendous respect that Yehuda has for him make it that Yosef will now not get angry at him? Yosef is still being accused of doing something wrong! That should appear to make Yosef angry by itself- even if it is accompanied by the highest level of respect and honor.
Answer
The Seforno is teaching us, by way of learning from Yehuda’s insight into human dynamics, that THE reason why someone gets upset at being accused of having done something wrong is because the person feels disrespected. There is no other inherent reason for arousal to anger at the prospect of having done something wrong.
A reasonable, rational person realizes that they make mistakes, that they do things wrong and that they can be responsible for unfortunate events and happenstances. In fact, this is the purpose of our having been placed in this world- to grapple with the challenges here and to become better. Such a mission clearly indicates that mistakes and ‘doing things wrong’ will be ‘par for the course.’ Man is imperfect and quite fallible. So why is it that people become so angry and indignant at being accused of doing things wrong? Because they feel disrespected and insulted by the thought of them having done something wrong.
Lesson
Why is it so important to a person to be properly respected by those around them? Why do people become so angry and indignant and defensive when accused of, or even insinuated, to having done something wrong- at being disrespected?
Rabbeinu Yonah (at the beginning of sefer Vayikra) explains that a person’s soul, their neshama, is very lofty and ‘great’, and comes from a ‘high’ place in Heaven. The neshama senses the lowliness of the state that they are in in this physical world and this lowliness provokes tremendous pain for the soul. A way to assuage this pain is to ‘propagandize’ to one’s self by saying everything is fine, I am good. Even though I am sensing tremendous lowliness and ‘crudeness’, the person tries to deny reality and pretend as if everything is fine and ‘proves’ it to themselves by their being the object of great honor and prestige from those around them. Thus, the person needs this speech of their own greatness and goodness to be reinforced and ‘validated’ by those around them.
When someone then accuses them of having done something wrong- this resonates with their soul deep inside, and their fragile honor, which is a protective armor and a balm for the deep and abiding pain that they feel, is now shattered and they feel disrespected, i.e.- low and unworthy. This lowliness and unworthiness is what they sense from their soul being in a low place.
So what is the solution? What is the alternative? If a person recognizes that this world is a ‘tough’ place in which the soul was placed to toil, to work and develop one’s self; if a person is on the track of self-development and improvement- then a person will find happiness and satisfaction from the challenges and lowliness of this world. The person will be growing and developing and becoming better. If someone is able to accept and recognize that mistakes and imperfection are not an indictment of one’s unworthiness but rather part of the mission at hand- then the person will accept direction and rebuke properly, as assistance in perfecting one’s self and becoming a better person.
The first step is to act in this way. To respond to accusations of mistakes by being quiet and reflective of what the other person is saying. Perhaps they are right, and perhaps this should be explored more to see where one can improve.
Chazal say- there is no pleasure like the pleasures of the world to come. But all of the pleasures of the world to come do not equal the satisfaction and enjoyment of a person who while on this world is engaged in growing and improving themselves. If a person recognizes and makes proper use of this world as a place for growing and improving- then the lowliness and crudeness of this world will be a source of tremendous pleasure and enjoyment for the soul. This pleasure will stem from the satisfaction at having been placed into such a corporeal and crude world and through one's hard work and toil- transformed it into being a place of uplifted spirituality and goodness.
Wishing you a wonderful Shabbos,
Rabbi Eli Meir Kramer
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