Q: Why do you want to work here?  

A: I said I wanted a job. I didn't say I wanted to work.

Q: What is your greatest strength?

A: No matter how stoned or hung over I might be, I still show up for work every day.

Q.: What is your greatest weakness?

A: There are so many. Fast cars, fast women, cold beer. The list goes on.

Q: What would your former employers say about you?

A: Nothing, if they value their ability to walk on two legs!

Q: What would your co-workers say about you?

A: I'm not paranoid. Why do you ask?

Q: How are you at multi-tasking?

A: Awesome. I can surf the net, cruise Facebook, blog, email and text on my cell all at the same time. Easy peasy.

Q: I meant multi-tasking on the job.

A: So did I.

Q: Have you done anything at work that you now regret?

A: I made the coffee run one morning, and brought my supervisor a Hash Brownie and Caramel Macchiato with a methamphetamine-laced shot of espresso.

My anonymous call to H/R an hour later prompted a surprise urine test.   It was hilarious seeing him being led out in handcuffs by security, but I kind of regret it now.

Q: Can you verify your last salary?

A: I want to make sure that I understand -- your company doesn't know what skills on the market are worth, so you rely on information from an unrelated company to determine what you'll pay your own employees?

Oh dear, that is unfortunate. There is a tool that would make this sort of antiquated process obsolete for you - it's called the Internet. I could show you how to use it, if you're not sure. It would be my pleasure.

Q: If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

A: Body lice, because I'm a people person.

Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

A: If my plan works, on a beach in a country that doesn't have an extradition treaty with the US.

Q: Have you ever received a warning from Human Resources?

A: Yes. I saw a woman wearing a shirt with "Guess" on it... so I asked "Implants?"