Radcliffe Radiance
Teaching Children How to Push Their "Pause Button"
Slamming the door in a sibling's face, making a disrespectful gesture to a teacher for giving homework, throwing an elbow during a soccer game, saying a hurtful comment, or squirting toothpaste all over the sink. All of these situations are examples of times when children speak or act without pausing for a moment to think about the consequences of their actions. As parents, it is exhausting to help your child navigate through the consequences of their impulsive behavior. Most often, children might not be able to tell you why they did something so obviously inappropriate, and they are remorseful or feel bad about the situation they have created. If we aren't careful, they start to define themselves as "bad" kids.
Developing the use of a "pause button" is critical for our children to be successful in life. Inhibition is an executive function skill that develops as children age, but some children require more explicit instruction than others. Furthermore, this ability to inhibit, pause and think, before responding verbally or with action becomes critical for children to remain safe. As a teenager or an adult, to make an off-color comment about someone nearby may result in a punch in the face, or driving fast can result in terrible consequences.
When our children engage in negative behavior, physiologically they get a rush of endorphins. If they are stressed or frustrated, those endorphins, though only short-lasting, provide a rush and relief of the feelings the child is experiencing. This is not something children do purposely at all. It is a chemical reaction that occurs in their brains.
Years ago, I learned about the importance of giving children about 5-10 seconds to consider the consequences of impulsive behavior. Behavior theory would dictate that the replacement feeling has to be stronger than the rush kids get by acting impulsively (even when the consequence is potential punishment).
I find that working with kids on these ideas when they aren't in a heightened state is always the best course of action (aka don't wait until they are in trouble). The key is to help children visualize the positive consequences of pausing and taking another direction. For example, sit with them and imagine together the feeling of having a friend to play with on the playground at recess, someone to sit with at lunch, and the praise of the teacher. Encourage them to pause, breathe and visualize this specific feeling (or play this movie in their head) instead of an impulse like blurting out an unkind comment. Pressing the pause button, taking a deep breath, and replacing the negative behavior with a constructive comment will help your child develop stronger social skills and deeper connections.
I know it sounds corny, but visualizing the situation as realistically as possible can create a memory that can be as strong as if your child actually experienced the situation in real life. Be as specific as possible to help that visualization. Hopefully, over time, your child will develop the capacity to "push their pause buttons" be able to allow themselves time to make a good decision about their behavior.
Wishing you warmth throughout this chilly weekend,
Head of School