Vayishlach Parsha Lesson- Your brother's keeper
For Year 2 of Parsha Lesson, I will be focusing on one practical middah, character trait, to think about in the week ahead and steps we can take to attain it.
Background
When Yakov was traveling back to Eretz Yisroel after being in Charan for 20 years, he got word that Eisav was coming with an army to kill him and his family. In preparation for this, Rashi explains, Yakov hid his daughter Dina in a box.
Why was he particularly concerned about Dina? Rashi explains that Dina was very beautiful and Yakov was concerned that Eisav may see her and want to take her as a wife. Rashi explains further that Yakov was punished for this- because he withheld kindness from his brother- and later on in the Parsha we learn about how Shechem kidnapped Dina.
Dina was both beautiful and very righteous and therefore could have influenced Eisav to become righteous. By hiding Dina from Eisav, Yakov was not allowing his brother this opportunity to become a “baal teshuva.”
Question
Why was Yakov punished? Even though Dina could have had a positive influence on Eisav, Eisav was in fact wicked and for Dina to be his wife would be very bad for her! Being that Dina was his daughter, Yakov obviously had more of a responsibility to protect and safeguard his daughter than to help his brother. If so, why was Yakov punished- he did the right thing?
Answer
Many great Torah commentators explain that of course Yakov did the right thing. It was proper and correct to hide his righteous daughter Dina from his wicked brother EIsav. However, what was wrong was Yakov not having the proper feeling of pain at having to shut the door on an avenue of salvation for his brother to become righteous.
Yakov should have felt pain, perhaps more pain, at not being able to do this kindness with his brother which could have led his brother to being a righteous, upstanding person.
Lesson
I think there are two very important lessons to be learned from here:
- The feelings and emotions that we have when we do, even the right thing, are very VERY important. It is not enough to do the right thing, rather, we need to do it with the right feeling as well.
Why is this so important? R’ Yisroel Salanter explains that the way that a person takes something from their mind to their heart is through emotion and feeling. If a person knows learning Torah is important and then does it with lackluster feeling and a feeling of burden, they are implanting in their heart that learning Torah is not engaging and a burden. This will affect the person profoundly. This will implant in the person negative feelings and associations with something that is really very important and good.
- Regardless of how much we do not get along with our family- siblings, children, parents, etc.- we still have a tremendous obligation to care for them and to do kindness with them. Eisav was coming to KILL Yakov, with an army of 160,000 (!), nevertheless Hashem expected him to do whatever he can to help his brother. If he could not help him, if the right thing to do was to not give his daughter to Eisav as a wife, Hashem expected him to feel tremendous pain at this inability to help his brother- who was consumed with hatred for him.
Why is this so important? The ultimate way for a person to develop and perfect themselves is by doing good for others. The ultimate way for a person to become wicked is by exhibiting cruelty and selfishness with regards to others. If a person will act with kindness to their family that will most enable them to develop into a kind person. When a person acts with insensitivity and cruelness to their family- when they are deaf to their needs- a person develops into a cruel person.
First Step
In order to be able to do kindness with others who are not kind to us, or for whatever reason there may be that a person does not feel an outpouring of love and kindness, it can be helpful to focus on our own development as a person. If we can focus in on how we have an opportunity to become good people- especially so when it is difficult- we can more easily rise to the challenge and behave properly.
If we can also try to be understanding of the other person’s circumstances, we can more easily not only do the right thing, but do it with the right feeling.
Have a wonderful Shabbos!
Rabbi Eli Meir Kramer
