How to Stay Sharp in March

By J.C. Bruce

We're 60 days into 2022 and with any luck we'll be doing less Zooming and more schmoozing if the pandemic continues to ebb. So, now more than ever, it will be important to be at the top of your conversational game. This monthly guide is carefully curated to make you the sharpest person in the room.

SPECIAL NOTE: This is being distributed at a time of global peril. As I pushed the button to send this to you, heroic Ukrainians were battling Russian soldiers in their streets and countryside. This is so horrific that it's hard to pay attention to much else, let alone find humor in the world around us. Hopefully, this madness will end soon. In the meantime...

A Pop Quiz: About that Madness...

In what month will the NCAA college basketball championships be determined?

I know. I know. You're thinking this must be a trick. After all, they call it March Madness for a reason, so, obviously, the answer has to be March. Right?

Well, not so fast.

The selection of the men's and women's collegiate teams to compete in the basketball playoffs is held on Sunday March 13. And the games commence shortly thereafter.

However, the men's Final Four won't be held until the following month in New Orleans on April 2 and 4. The women will play their final matchups in Minneapolis on April 1 and 3. Maybe it should be called Spring Madness.

Good luck filling out your brackets.

It's an Eventful Month

President Joe Biden will deliver his State of the Union address to the 117th Congress tonight (March 1) at 9 p.m., one month later than usual, a delay blamed on the pandemic. It is expected that it will be, largely, a maskless event following new guidelines from the Centers for Disease Control.

The situation in Ukraine is expected to be one of the major topics addressed.

Interesting fact: While it is customary for the president to deliver this annual address, the Constitution does not mandate it, per se. The law only requires the president to inform the Congress about the state of the union "from time to time," but does not state how frequently or in what format.

March is chock-a-block with special days and holidays including March 1st's Baby Sleep Day.

The brainchild of the Pediatric Sleep Council, Baby Sleep Day underscores the importance of children getting enough ZZZZs. As if any zombified, sleep-deprived parent of a newborn didn't know this already.

March is also International Mirth Month, International Ideas Month, National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month, and Women's History Month.

Witchy Women in March History

On March 1, 1692, the Salem Witch Trials began, and by the end of this insanity, 19 people had been hanged, another five died in prison, and two dogs had been put to death.

This mass hysteria is worth recalling, especially in the wake of the January 6 insurrection. It's a stark reminder of how quickly mob violence can get out of control. What set this off? There are varying stories. Some theorize that "witchery" was witnessed by people who were actually hallucinating, either from encephalitis or from rye ergot poisoning--a kind of fungus that infects bread creating hallucinogenic compounds. What is known for sure is that several teenage girls were misbehaving and they blamed a female West Indies slave for bewitching them. Things went downhill fast from there.

Most of the victims of the Salem Witch Trials were women, although several men also met the noose, swept up in the hysteria as business and political enemies took advantage of the craziness to settle scores. Sadly, none were named Putin.

On a less dreadful note, March 1st is also World Compliment Day. So greet someone you know (who isn't named Putin) and find something nice to say about them. And be sincere. None of this "Oh, have you finally lost weight?" stuff. It's just one day out of 365. You can do it!

Your Way or the Highway

March 2, 1925 marked the introduction of using numbers to designate highways in America. A gathering of federal and state transportation officials agreed on a standard for multi-state routes, and to keep this organized they decreed that roads heading north and south would end in odd numbers, and roads heading east and west would use even numbers.

Once interstate highways began construction, it was further decided that freeways that traversed the entire country would (mostly) have two digits and end in "0" if they traveled east and west, and "5" if north and south. Interstates with three digits are bypasses. But it is a little more complicated than that, and there are exceptions to the rules.

Here's a cool video that explains it.

The Ides of March

March 15, the midpoint of the third month of the year, has an ominous reputation. On this day (in 44 B.C.) the Roman Emperor Gaius Julius Caesar was assassinated. He had proclaimed himself "dictator for life." Careful what you wish for.

However, the Ides of March wasn't always so gloomy (especially if your last name wasn't Caesar). It used to signify the beginning of a new year, a time for celebration and rejoicing.

Caesar's murder isn't the only tragic ending remembered on this date. In 1971, CBS selected the Ides of March to announce the cancellation of the Ed Sullivan Show, the program that introduced The Beatles to mainstream America--"a really big shew!" *

Mark your calendar for March 17, St. Patrick's Day, the month's most celebrated holiday. With the international supply chain issues, you might want to get a jump on buying your food coloring for all that green beer you plan on chugging.

Originally a day to mark the death of the patron saint of Ireland, the holiday has morphed into a celebration of all things Irish, including Leprechauns--tiny men and women who use their magical powers for mischief (kinda like Loki, only smaller, and as far as we know, none were caught up in that unpleasantness in Salem).

One story associated with St. Patrick is that he ran the snakes out of Ireland. If that's how he snared sainthood, it was a pretty cush gig since there never were any snakes in Ireland to begin with.

Personally, I expect a letter from the Pope any day. My bid for sainthood: I single-handedly ran all the polar bears out of Florida.

Other March Milestones, Events, and Notes

Lent begins on March 2, Ash Wednesday, and lasts through April 16. It is observed by most Christian churches, a time for fasting and penitence. So, now's the time to think about what you plan on giving up for this 46-day drought. For myself, I'm eschewing okra, asparagus, and any entertainment programming involving people whose last name is Kardashian.

As Young As You Feel Day is celebrated on March 22, a full five days after St. Patrick's Day, so your hangover should have abated by then. If not, take two aspirin and call your concierge physician.

Also on March 22--in the year 1972--the Equal Rights Amendment was sent out to the states for ratification. Fifty years later, it still has not been ratified by a sufficient number of states to take effect and the deadline for ratification has lapsed.

National Puppy Day is celebrated annually on March 23.

Sponsored by The Good Living Network (and endorsed by my book publisher Tropic Press) the holiday is designed to educate the public about execrable puppy mills and to encourage adoptions.

On March 23, we also mark the 21st anniversary of the Russian-owned MIR space station's tumble from outer space back to earth. After orbiting the planet for fifteen years, it was no longer useful and was plunged back into the atmosphere where most of it burned up on re-entry, but, still, big chunks of the 140-ton station smacked into the planet. Sadly, they missed Vladimir Putin's house.

Quotes of the Moment

Vladimir Putin is "a small man of five-six saying he’s five-seven.”

-- Nina Krushcheva

in a Vanity Fair podcast

 As Russia’s military approached, Ukraine’s president refused the United States’ offer to evacuate with asylum, saying instead, “I need ammunition, not a ride."

--Volodymyr Zelensky

News of the Weird

It was a big story. A really BIG news event.

Hank the Tank, a 500-pound black bear, has been wreaking havoc in South Lake Tahoe, breaking into dozens of houses in search of food, according to news reports.

Hank's so huge he can use his enormous weight--hundreds of pounds more than a normal black bear--to break through doors, bust down garage entrances, even smash windows to go after food--sometimes with terrified people inside.

But, as it turns out, it wasn't the work of just one over-fed bear, but three.

State wildlife officials used DNA analysis to discover there are several bears that have gotten so fat they "learned to use that size and strength to break into a number of occupied residences."

Officials are setting traps and plan to relocate the bears far from humans. The have promised not to hurt them.

And exactly how did they use DNA analysis, you might ask. By studying the bears' droppings, now known (it says here) as "putins."

In other weird animal news...

-- In Baton Rouge, a raccoon fell through the ceiling at the Louisiana State University dining hall sending students and cooks screaming.

-- A moose was on the loose, creating havoc in Marlborough, Mass. But, fortunately, he was tranquilized and moved out of town by state wildlife officials.

--In Copenhagen, of all places, police were on the hunt for an escaped kangaroo video recorded hopping across a field. No word on how it got there.

Keep up with news of the weird at The Strange Files on the Tropic Press website.

What I'm Watching and Reading

Inventing Anna. We were mesmerized by Shonda Rhimes's streaming series on Netflix, a portrayal (with a lot of artistic liberties taken) of the con artist Anna Sorokin who bedazzled and flummoxed New York high society on her way to the hoosegow. Great acting by a cast carefully selected to resemble the real-life characters in this drama. Part of the fun has been googling Anna Sorokin (nee Anna Delvey) to get the real story behind the movie. Once you start, you're going to want to binge it.

It is to risk whiplash to finish Inventing Anna then immediately switch to Space Force, the second season of Steve Carell's short-series farce. Less a coherent story than a series of slapstick sketches, it's sophomoric, silly, and shallow--just what I needed to detox, but, really, I'm embarrassed to confess I spent any time on it. Watch it for John Malkovich's performance if for no other reason.

On the reading front, I finished Born in Blackness by Howard W. French, a densely detailed history of Africa, the slave trade, and how enslavement of Africans propelled the industrial revolution. At 512 pages, it not for the faint of heart, but a real eye-opener.

Then, for comic relief, I switched to John Varley's "Thunder and Lightning" tetralogy. For childhood fans of Robert Heinlein scifi novels, this is fun stuff.

Weird Science

Scientists have discovered that dinosaurs got sick--just like us.

CNN's Wonder Theory newsletter reports that the fossilized remains of a long-necked Diplodocid had unusual growths--odd bony protrusions--in her neck, which they believe resulted from a severe respiratory infection.

While researchers have known for some time that dinos suffered many of the same diseases that plague humans today--cancer and gout, for instance--this discovery in southwest Montana is the first time evidence of a respiratory disease has been detected.

Scientists, who have named the fossil Dolly (after Dolly Parton), note that Diplodocids were plant-eaters with necks of about 60 feet in length. Imagine what that sore throat must have felt like.

Strange Fact: Non-Cents in Chile

Somebody needs to break out a dictionary down at the mint.

In the South American nation of Chile, a 50-peso coin was issued in the year 2008 with the name of the country misspelled. Bad enough, but here's the kicker:

It was more than a year before anybody noticed the typographical error.

Who Wants to be a Billionaire?

In 1945, Hungary issued the largest bill ever printed--the 100 Million Billion Pengo. Sadly, it was only worth about twenty cents in U.S. currency. Can you say inflation?

Hot off the Presses

As a former newspaper editor, I loved spending time in the press room watching thousands of newspapers rolling off the gigantic and complex machinery that produced each day's editions. But, until recently, I knew very little about the printing processes involved in book publishing. Now, The New York Times offerers a fascinating article on how that works. I hope you find it as interesting as I did. Here's the link.

FAQ from our Mailbag

Your website photo has a leg lamp in it. Is that the original one from the movie "A Christmas Story"?

Interesting bit of movie trivia: There were three leg lamps used during filming of the movie and all were broken, so, no, this is not the original leg lamp. It actually belongs on Alexander Strange's boat, the Miss Demeanor, but I have it in my office while his trawler is in dry dock. Look closely and you'll see where he repaired the bullet hole.

Wait! Somebody shot the lamp?

Yes. And you can read all about it in my latest novel Mister Manners.

You did it again, didn't you? You ended the newsletter with a blatant commercial message pimping your books.

I strongly object to the use of the term "pimp," especially when applied to these exemplars of fine American literature.

But since you brought it up, why, yes, all five installments of the award-winning Strange Files series are available at all major online book outlets. And for your convenience, here are some links: The Strange Files, Florida Man, Get Strange, Strange Currents, Mister Manners.

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And this parting gift

This was the most commented upon meme on my Facebook page this past month.

* Not a typo. A play on words. Ed Sullivan famously touted his program by announcing it would be a "really big show." But he had a funny accent and "show" came out "shew." Nobody knows why. Although he was from Manhattan, he sounded vaguely Bostonian, but nobody in Boston pronounces "show" as if it were footwear. One of life's many unsolved mysteries.