March 2022 Community member

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March 2022

Martha's Vineyard Mediation Program

MEDIATION MUSINGS

Sara Barnes, Executive Director

I was responding to a request from a prominent person. This was years ago. I called on others in my group to collaborate with me on a carefully worded response message. There were multiple drafts. I sent the final document. And then . . . crickets.

I called the person's office and spoke to their assistant twice. Time one: "Yes. Whitney [name changed] received the letter. I was told to say thank you and Whitney will get back to you soon." Time two: "Sorry, not sure what's happening, I'll let Whitney know you called." After the second call, I wondered for a few months, heard nothing, then finally put it aside.

Last week I was in a meeting and this person's name came up. Whitney was in the middle of a controversial and consequential public situation. I and the others in the conversation wondered, what role was Whitney going to play? Was Whitney at fault or contributing to the controversy? As the conversation unfolded I recalled, in my mind, my interaction with this person from so long ago. What do you think I said or did?

Before I answer that question, let me digress to think with you about what's happening here. It's a commonplace human condition, and there are at least two paths I could take in this conversation about a person with whom I had a set of experiences long ago.

Path A or B

Path A. Left with minimum information about a situation, we construct a narrative. That narrative takes on a life of its own and we begin to believe our self-oriented constructed story. In this case you might imagine I would have created a Whitney who was uncommunicative, ungrateful, irresponsible, and/or disrespectful. When Whitney's name came up, I might have shared my negative conclusions, asserting my assumptions as facts, and then spread the negative conclusive seeds to the others.

Path B. Though left without a full explanation and details, we extend a benefit of the doubt to the other person. We walk away curious, but without a conclusion, and self-manage our imagination so that we stay wide open to all possibilities, without a negative construction. We consider that there might be a perfectly good explanation. So when it comes up, I might have chosen to not share anything negative about my experience with Whitney. Following Path B I might put aside my unresolved experience and treat any mention of Whitney with care and neutrality.

I'm not going to tell you what I did, though I want to make sure you know this: I do not always follow my own advice, and I certainly do things I wish I could have done better. Like everyone else, I'm a work in progress. You'll have to write the end of the story for yourself with Path A or B as the driver of my choice.

Conflict Resolution Connections

Here are a few points to share that will make the link from this scenario to conflict resolution tools and approaches.

Assumptions

We are often looking at other people as if taking a snapshot through a keyhole and drawing conclusions from that snapshot. When we think about ourselves, we credit ourselves with a rich, complex, and unpredictable inner life and know there are reasonable explanations for our actions. Yet––we make negative assumptions and don't extend the same credit to others. Conflict is fueled by these kinds of assumptions. Everyone is complex. Look further beyond the snapshot, expand your viewfinder and imagine the fullness of the other person.

Self-awareness

Self-awareness is key to managing assumptions. As a conflict resolver, imperfect as I am, I'm trying to develop my own version of an assumption detector that I can easily use in my everyday life. In my mind my assumption detector looks like one of those black lights that turns what seems like reality into an alternate scene with brightly outlined shapes. When I find an assumption, I try to slow down, look closely at the detected assumption, and see if I can expand my thinking. I want to self-regulate, keep control of my actions, and not let my assumptions cause toddler-like chaos for myself and those around me.

Benefit of the doubt

When I work with separating couples I often hand out, figuratively, what I call a basket of unlimited benefits of the doubt. I say something like this: "Now you are going to live different lives from the one you lived when you were together. When the other person does something you don't like, I'm offering that you can decide to extend one of these benefits of the doubt. Imagine the other person as their best self, and you might be able to expect the other person will do the same for you."

Neutral mediators, facilitators, coaches, and other conflict resolvers work to hone their ears to identify their own assumptions, as well as those that seem to be operating in the minds of their clients. My practice is to use a four-stage process: 1) Note assumptions as I hear them; 2) find the right time in the process to name and collaboratively define the assumption; 3) allow participants to consider the assumptions; and 4) decide what to do with the assumptions. At the end of any conflict resolution process I'm likely to give out a basket of unlimited benefits of the doubt. Here's your own basket now. Use it freely––there's more where that came from.

Thank you, Martha's Vineyard Bank Charitable Foundation for

our Portuguese Translation, Interpretation, and Services Grant

Thank you to Martha's Vineyard Bank Charitable Foundation for a generous grant to extend our literature, website, and in-person services into Portuguese.

Obrigado a Martha's Vineyard Charitable Foundation pela generosa doação para podermos ampliar nossos serviços de tradução para o Português aos nossos clientes, website e literatura informativa.

INTRODUCTION TO MEDIATION COURSES

Section One: MEDIATION BASICS

Weekly March 31 – May 5.

Section Two: MEDIATION QUALIFICATION

Weekly May 12 – June 16

The course will be held on Thursdays from 5:30 to 8 p.m. All classes will be via Zoom.

The Introduction to Mediation course is a 30-hour course taught in two sections. The first 15 hours is Mediation Basics. The second 15 hours is Mediation Qualification. Participants who complete both sections will apprentice, if desired, with MV Mediation in order to become a qualified mediator in Massachusetts.

Section One : Mediation Basics

March 31: What is mediation?
April 7: How to set the stage
April 14: Listening to the conflict story
April 21: Crafting mediation questions
April 28: Negotiation in mediation
May 5: Developing the final agreement

Section Two: Mediation Qualification in Massachusetts

May 12: Mitigating impasse
May 19: Biases and diversity in mediation
May 26: Mediation and neuroscience
June 2: Power imbalances
June 9: Handling emotions in mediation
June 16: Ethical dilemmas in mediation

The cost for each six-session course is $100–$300 based on your ability to pay. Scholarships are available. Please email info@mvmediation.org for more information or register here.

Workplace Conflict Cohort

So many workplaces could benefit from improvement in conflict management. Join a confidential cohort of managers and supervisors who meet Wednesdays from 9 to 10:15 a.m. Our Workplace Conflict Confidential Cohort group reviews a professional text about workplace conflict management, trades tips and tools, and collaborates, with members supporting each other through case studies and role plays. (Learn about their challenges and successes in this workplace conflict article). The group meets for 10 sessions; this fourth cohort will begin on April 20, and the last session will be June 22, 2022.

MV Mediation has mediators and facilitators who are able to provide support for conflicts within the workplace. We provide mediation for conflicts that are unresolved, as well as conflict coaching for individuals. Email info@mvmediation.org or call call 508-693-2999 for more information, and please spread the word if you know of anyone who might be interested.

MV Mediation Youth Program

Conflict Resolution Workshops

in Island Schools

This month, MV Mediation Youth Program is excited to join the school communities of the Martha's Vineyard Charter School and the Edgartown School. The MV Mediation Youth Program will teach the processes of conflict resolution and interactive workshops, activities, games, discussions, and role plays, leading to students' awareness of conflict resolution tools and strategies.

Session One: Concepts of Conflict
Session Two: Feelings Are Part of Conflict
Session Three: Biases Are the Cause of Conflicts
Session Four: Positive Listening Helps Resolve Conflicts
Session Five: Conflicts Can be Escalated and De-Escalated
Session Six: Conflicts Can be Resolved through Win-Win

Financial Skills as Conflict Resolution Skills

The Island-Wide Youth Collaborative is hosting a Teen Life Skills Workshop series during the month of March. We will be leading a workshop on Financial Literacy and Budgeting for Youth on Saturday, March 12th, at 12 p.m. Email claury@mvcommunityservices.org to sign up for any or all of the workshops in the series.

MV Mediation Program in the Media

We are always happy when our friends and colleagues enjoy the articles from our newsletter and spread the word throughout their communities. This article was shared by the website mediate.com about trust.

THANK YOU FOR SPREADING THE WORD

Mediators' Corner

Check in every Wednesday 4–5 p.m. to discuss aspects of conflict resolution in our community. Contact info@mvmediation.org to join us by Zoom. From March 2nd to April 27th these sessions are public for the members of our community to know about our services.

3/02/22 Financial Conflict Coaching
3/09/22 Family and Divorce Mediation
3/16/22 Workplace Conflict Conflict Resolution
3/23/22 Elder, Family, and Estate Mediation
3/30/22 Agricultural/Farm/Aquaculture Mediation
4/06/22 Group and Organization Mediation
4/13/22 Re-Entry, Post-Release Mediation
4/20/22 Housing and Summary Process Mediation
4/27/22 Small Claims Mediation

All public presentations are at this Zoom link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86378014243

Mediation in District Courts

We are in Bristol County District Courts––on Zoom––most weeks, at the following times:

Fall River: Mondays 2 p.m.

Attleboro: Tuesdays 2 p.m.

New Bedford: Wednesdays 2 pm (infrequent sessions)

Taunton: Thursdays 9 a.m.

Dukes County District Court, also on Zoom, Summary Process and Small Claims cases most weeks, at the following time:

Edgartown: Thursdays 11 a.m.

Board of Directors' Corner

In February, the Board of Directors continued in our work on Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion and came up with action items. The Board also discussed our growth and what our optimal size and scope should be.

In March, the Board of Directors invites non-Board members to participate, including fully qualified mediators, apprentices, and other associates and affiliated members of the MV Mediation world. Those in attendance will discuss expanding our organization's reach with our coaching services. The agenda also includes reviewing a year-long case list with all information anonymized.

Parent Mediation:

Divorce, Family & Conflict Resolution

Are you having trouble at home? We can provide mediation or conflict coaching through Zoom, phone, or video conference. We have mediators with child development experience and can consider parent–teen mediation sessions based upon your circumstances. If you need help talking with your spouse or partner, we are part of the Parent Mediation Program providing parents––married, unmarried, divorced, or separated––with up to four hours of free mediation. MVMP Family and Divorce mediators can provide you with mediation sessions to discuss parenting issues, custody schedules, financial decisions, and communication, or to renegotiate existing plans. We also work with reconciling couples and those who have conflicts they need help to resolve. Please contact the office to schedule an intake call. We are here to help.

info@mvmediation.org or call 508 693-2999

Mediação: Resolução de Conflitos em Divórcio e Brigas de Família

Você está com problemas em casa? Nós podemos te ajudar oferecendo nossos serviços de mediação e treinamento para ajudar a lidar e resolver seus conflitos em familia. Oferecemos nossos serviços por Zoom ou telefone.

Conflitos entre pais e filhos. problemas conjugais ou com seu parceiro, ou relacionamento entre familiares. Mediadores com experiência em Divórcio e questōes familiares podem ajudar com custódia e visitação de menores, pensão alimentícia, divisão de bens e inclusive reconciliação.

Mediação não é terapia, mas sim uma forma de trazer as partes em conflito para uma conversa em um ambiente neutro, onde todos poderão falar e também ouvir o que a outra parte tem a dizer.

info@mvmediation.org or call 508 693-2199

Mental Health Crisis

Across our Island, as in many other places, life's crises have had serious effects on individuals, couples, and families. Mental health needs are on the increase. MV Mediation does not provide mental health services, but we are able to provide referrals. Please reach out; we are good at listening and may be able to help you to take the first steps forward.

If you or someone you know is in a mental health crisis, please call 911, Emergency Services on Martha's Vineyard at 508-693-0032, or National Suicide Prevention at 800-273-8255.

Conflict Coaching Can Help You or Someone You Know

It is not therapy. It is not advice or consultation. So what is Conflict Coaching?

Conflict Coaching is a one-on-one process, with the client and coach working collaboratively to deconstruct a specific conflict. The process usually takes place over two one-hour sessions. Those who go through coaching have reported making significant breakthroughs and have learned to use new conflict resolution tools. Our coaches can take on more cases than we have. Would you please tell those you know about this service? We are here to help: info@mvmediation.org 508 693-2999

Facilitation Services

MV Mediation provides facilitation services for groups, boards of directors, organizations, companies, and families. Neutral and confidential facilitation allows those who are attending the meeting to fully participate. If you need facilitation services, please reach out to discuss your needs.

"We are in a much better place since we had a facilitator help us to pull things together. Thanks to the mediation program for all your help." ––A recent facilitation client

MV Mediation Needs Your Financial Contribution

Thanks to all our donors. We will make use of your contributions wisely. If you can help, we really appreciate your generosity.

DONATE HERE

Comunidade Brasileira

nós podemos te ajudar

Our services are available for those from Dukes and Bristol Counties who speak Portuguese. Please reach out to us if we can help you with housing, family, neighbor, or community disputes.

Nossos serviços estão disponíveis em português para os residentes em Dukes e Bristol County. Entre em contato conosco se voce necessita de ajuda com conflitos em casos de moradia, família, disputas com vizinhos, trabalho, e na comunidade.

Telephone (508) 693-2199 or email admin@mvmediation.org

Problems with Paying Rent? Behind on your Utility Bills? Conflict with Tenant or Landlord?

We offer FREE MEDIATION for housing cases in Dukes, Barnstable, and Bristol Counties. If you are facing housing instability and can’t make your rent payments, contact us for information about the RAFT/ERAP program.

For information email admin@mvmediation.org or call 508 693-2199.

Problemas com aluguel?

Contas atrasadas?

Conflitos entre o proprietário e inquilinos?

Serviço de Mediação GRÁTIS para qualquer tipo de problema relativo a sua moradia nos Condados de Dukes, Barnstable e Bristol. Se você não tem fundos suficientes para pagar o aluguel ou suas contas, entre em contato conosco para receber mais informações sobre o programa ajuda financeira do governo RAFT/ERAP.

Mande um email para admin@mvmediation.org

ou ligue para 508 693-2199 (fale com Paula)

Agricultural Mediation

Martha's Vineyard Mediation is part of a national network of USDA-supported farm, agriculture, and aquaculture mediation programs. If you know of any farms, farm stands, CSAs, or agricultural/ aquacultural businesses that have conflicts with debt, neighbors, succession planning, workplace conflict, management, or other matters, MV Mediation can help. Most services are free or low cost through USDA funding. Here is a brochure; please pass it on to those who may need these services. As a farm-supportive community, we want to be a help to the Island's farms and farming families.

Code of Ethics

MV Mediation service providers––mediators, coaches, facilitators and teachers––agree to adhere to the MV Code of Ethics. We hold ourselves to these ethical considerations so that we can provide quality services that are professional and principled. You can read the Code of Ethics here.

We are Active on Social Media

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This is a helpful way to support MV Mediation. Thanks!

Our Mission

To serve our community by providing education, outreach,

mediation, conflict coaching, facilitation,

and related services to help prevent and resolve conflicts.

Our Vision

To create an island of competent, capable, and

effective conflict resolvers.

Why I Mediate:

There is an "Aha!" moment that happens in conflict coaching when you get to see your conflict through the eyes of the other, and that makes all the difference. Susan Pratt, Mediator