For years I tried to lose the weight, and for years I failed. I was trapped
in a frictionless, monotonous world.
Nothing I tried had any effect. Not just on my ballooning weight,
but on my sputtering career, my lack of honest relationships and my
disastrous finances. Despite an excellent start in life, I had somehow let it all slip from my grasp. Whenever I saw an old friend on the street, I would flee out of shame. I was baffled, furious and sad.
So, one day I went to an OA meeting. I thought the people there were
losers. They seemed ugly, crazy and desperate. A few of the things they said about food gave me pause, but I was sure I wasn't as bad as they were. So, I stuck it out on my own and did my best to slim down, advance my career and land a boyfriend. If I could just grasp those things tightly enough, I could have them all.
Years passed, and it all got worse. Everywhere in life, I picked bitter, small-minded fights with anybody who would fight back. My ever-increasing weight made every day a miniature hell of discomfort and shame. And, starting with my partner, I antagonized my family and friends. Finally, after the umpteenth failed diet, I came back to OA. I listened. I identified. And I kept coming back.
A year and a half later, I have a new job, a better relationship with my
partner and affectionate, healthy friendships. I have let go of about 40
pounds. Did I get these things by fighting for them? No. I got them by
surrendering to a higher power.
By loosening my grasp, not tightening it, I was able, slowly, to allow
into my life those things that had eluded me for so long. Today, I don't
fight. I simply take the actions I can and turn the results over to my
higher power. And I have found that my higher power, whom I call God,
is doing for me all the things that I could never do for myself.
