Most of us embrace a full life. We want it all ... to achieve our aspirations, be engaged with people and have time for ourselves. We want others to know that we're a team player and we care. We want to be seen as kind, generous and likable. We prize being responsible and competent.

So, we say Yes ... A LOT.

Often it feels awesome to say yes. It can be gratifying, fulfilling and move us in the direction we want to go.

Then there are the "yes" moments where we don't want to be saying yes, but we don't want to hurt someone or be seen as unhelpful. Saying yes seems easier than saying no.

As children, many of us were taught that saying yes was the polite, appropriate and agreeable thing to do. No wonder as adults we worry about being rejected or judged and feel bad about ourselves if we're a naysayer.

We say yes and then wish we hadn't. Turns out, our current self is not a great estimator of what our future self will be able to handle. Our future self then has to fulfill all the obligations our optimistic past self enthusiastically made.

Then we feel worse. Pretty soon we're feeling over-asked, overwhelmed, resentful and just plain tired. We've got so many plates spinning we can't keep them all going. Quality takes a hit. We falter, we lash out, we get sick, we don't show up. We back out of obligations and then spend time rationalizing or berating ourselves. To put it simply - we suffer. The plate most at risk for crashing? You guessed it - the YOU plate.

In order to make room for the YES's that we want in life, it pays to master the artful NO. The artful NO is about respecting our time, energy and sanity. It's a tool to help stay productive and minimize stress.

Know where, when and with whom you want to spend your time. Include yourself! Write it down. Make it visible.

Commit to your Hell YES list. This helps to decrease processing time around new request decisions.

Realize, not everything is going to be a hell yes, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. The commitment & effort required for getting back into shape may be steep and uncomfortable, and still worth it.

Consider the Hell, Why Not?

This is a yes that might be a stretch but could lead to something good. It might also be the yes when you don't have a better option.

Say Yes when others offer help and support!

Every request or invitation comes with an opportunity cost. We hate that because it feels like we're missing out on something else. Try thinking of it as a tradeoff - you're simply choosing one opportunity over the other.

There are many ways to respectfully and graciously say no and still maintain positive relationships. Be genuine, polite & kind. Remember, you're not rejecting the person, just the request.

Most people are asking because they know you will do a good job and they trust you. Thanking them does not mean a yes.

Try out phrases and practice them so they feel more natural to you.

"Thank you, but that is not for me."

"This is an (interesting opportunity, good cause, etc) but I am unable to take it on and do it justice at this time."

"I'm already committed but I appreciate you inviting me."

Keep your explanation simple and honest.

Make it about the ask, not the person.

You don't need to feel sorry about being able to set boundaries for your time and energy.

Good for situations where you want to say yes to part of the request.

Do not rush to answer yes or no, but be respectful of timing and keeping people waiting.

They may not and that's okay. We can't control their reactions.

Good for burdensome requests or when you are already at capacity. Say it up front. Outline your priorities. If it's a boss request, have a conversation about the current priorities and how you might re-prioritize.

Suggest another person or option they might pursue.

Making room for more of the yes's you desire requires a consistently mindful process. The good news is that, like any habit, once it's in place it's reliable and serves us well.