Mustang Code

Throughout December our attention will be centered on the virtue of Courage. Nelson Mandela aptly stated, "Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it." It can be demonstrated by taking risks or initiating a journey, even without certainty about the outcome. True courage lies in the ability to muster inner strength to uphold one's beliefs, values, and morals, even in the face of external pressures urging change. While everyone possesses an inner voice, external influences like peer pressure and social media often overshadow it.

8 Steps To Building Courage In Your Child

Parents and children alike need to understand that courage is a learned behavior—not something you’re born with (or not born with, as the case may be). Courage can be taught, built upon, and expanded over the years until it becomes a habit. The secret lies in learning how to be courageous early on.

1. Explain that brave people don’t always feel brave inside. Children are incredibly literal creatures. As such, they assume that if a person is acting courageously, he or she must not be feeling fearful. They then assume that because they do feel fearful, they are not brave. This perception subsequently shapes their behavior and self-image. You can prevent this from happening if you explain that brave people are frightened even while they are being brave—they just choose to override their fears, and it’s this choice which is really the essence of courage.

You should also explain that courage comes in many different forms, many of them non-aggressive. Being nice to an “uncool” classmate in front of other students, for example, is a form of courage.

2. Affirm your child’s bravery. Remind your child that you see her as brave; this will encourage her to see herself that way and reflect it in her actions. Try saying things like, “You can do it—I know how brave you are,” and, “I really respect how you make hard choices and do the right thing” to show your child how you see her.

Even when your child is being “difficult,” you should try to work these affirmations in. If she is arguing with you, for example, say that, “I love that you have the courage to express your own opinions, but you would be a lot more effective if you didn’t shout and use insults.”

3. Give your child permission to “mess up.” Nothing breeds timidity like a fear of failure. By telling your child that it’s okay to fail you will help her rebound when she isn’t successful. Remind your child that every time you fail at something, you learn what doesn’t work. If you keep trying, eventually you will rule out everything that doesn’t work and find a successful approach to the problem at hand.

Additionally, you should never expect flawless bravery. Let your child know that it’s fine to hang back or take time to regroup while getting psychologically prepared to tackle a challenging situation. 

4. Encourage your child to try new things. Prompt your child to try a range of different activities (e.g., drama, sports, music, art), whether she thinks she will be “good” at them or not. Teach her that the end goal of these activities isn’t to be better than others—it’s to get to know herself better. Note that this also applies to allowing your child to experiment with new ideas: Don’t limit her ideologically and allow her to disagree with you.

Make trying new things a regular part of your family life, too. Try new foods, go to new places, and cultivate a sense of adventure.

5. Set a good example. Share stories of times when you felt scared or nervous or had to stand up for yourself against others’ opinions. Remember, your child looks up to you and wishes to emulate you—if she knows you have had fears and conquered them, she will try to do the same.

6. Allow your child to make her own decisions. As long as your child’s safety isn’t at stake, you should let her use her intuition to guide her own choices. Indeed, you should actively encourage her to follow her “gut instincts.” Parents who are too heavy-handed with advice undermine their children’s confidence in their own decision-making capabilities. This causes them to hesitate more and be less courageous.

Instead of trying to over-protectively control your child’s choices, teach her how to make wiser decisions on her own. Tell her to examine her choices before she makes them, verifying that they will not break a rule, hurt her or someone else, and that they actually do feel “right.”

7. Teach your child the art of positive self-talk. The things we tell ourselves shape how we see ourselves. If your child is continually telling herself that she “can’t” or “shouldn’t” do the things she wants to do, her self-esteem will eventually suffer for it. You should therefore tell your child to make a habit of saying, “I can” and “I should” instead. Help her practice saying these things to herself each day until it comes naturally to her. Additionally, you should have a family gathering each week where each family member shares something brave they did that week.

8. Help your child understand that it’s never too late to change an outcome. The path to success is seldom linear, so children—being short-term thinkers—tend to get discouraged quickly when an act of bravery does not immediately lead to victory. Likewise, if your child has a prior history of being unsuccessful in a given area (such as when making friends) she’s doubly likely to succumb to defeat if initial attempts to reverse the trend do not work. You have to guide your child into seeing that bravery is a process, not a direct cause-and-effect relationship. You have to teach her to repeatedly go back to the “drawing board” and think up new plans for how to succeed. Remind her that no matter what, you have faith she will get there in time.

Remember, courage is about consciously directing our lives in a way that is true to ourselves—not grand, periodic gestures of heroism. Every day, your child is fighting the monsters of self-doubt, peer pressure, fear, and anxiety. Let her know that you’re there for her and that, with your support, there’s nothing she can’t accomplish.