• On the pursuit of “toxic “relationships 

• “Narcissism” as conceptualized by contemporary science 

• A new study on “ghosting”

Please check out the library of available blog articles and podcast recordings.

• Richard Reeves's Of Boys and Men



• The Intergenerational Transmission of Trauma

The Men's Group Seminar: “Weak Ties,” “Talking to Strangers,” and the Emerging Science of Kindness

The frequency and depth of social interaction have been considerably dampened by many factors including the rapid evolution of technology as well as the pandemic. Researcher Gillian Sandstrom observes that the interpersonal landscape is consistently becoming more and more “dehumanized” – she suggests that we tend to value automation and efficiency over engaging with people we encounter, perhaps only casually, every day. These acquaintances, or what scientists previously referred to as “weak ties,” hold considerably more value than what may be expected. In a Hidden Brain podcast episode, Sandstrom argues that “talking to strangers” and “tiny interactions” have numerous benefits, most notably “humanizing others,” i.e., promoting a sense of "being seen" and recognizing our "shared humanity." Sandstrom’s research has focused on the many obstacles that hinder the simple act of starting a conversation with someone you do not know. One of these obstacles, the “liking gap,” is an erroneous bias that assumes you will be viewed less positively by another than you actually are (which, of course, inhibits the motivation to interact with someone new). 

Sandstrom’s work is related to a newly emerging science of altruism and its main component, kindness. Research indicates that acts of kindness are associated with a range of factors including elevation in mood (due to increased levels of dopamine and oxytocin), activation of hormones that reduce stress and increase immunity to disease, and “psychological flourishing” (an overall index of well-being). In the next virtual meeting of the Men’s Group Seminar on Saturday, December 17, 2022 (10:15 to 11:30 AM), we will consider Sandstrom’s call to “talk to strangers” and new scientific findings on kindness, prosocial behavior, and goodwill. Entrepreneur James Rhee’s TED Talk “The Value of Kindness at Work” will also be discussed.  

To register for this upcoming virtual seminar, please see the directions below.

The Relationship Group Seminar: The Phenomenon of “Excitement” and Its Role in Dysfunctional Relationships



Many types of compulsive and addictive behavior are solidified by what is known as a “partial reinforcement schedule” -- doing something repeatedly to receive a reward that comes at entirely randomized time intervals. The randomized timing of the reward intensifies the seductive quality of the feedback loop, as has been described of addicted users of slot machines: “the amount they spend far outweighs the amount they win, and the inconsistency of reinforcement makes them maintain a steady, high rate of responding, i.e., they’re unable to stop even upon discovering that the ‘jackpot’ is very difficult to hit.” The compulsive pursuit on a slot machine of an inconsistent jackpot serves as a metaphor for the repetitive pattern of toxic relationships in which a person’s emotional needs are consistently unmet by his or her partners. The psychoanalytic theorist Ronald Fairbairn conceptualized “the exciting object” (“object” meaning person in the interpersonal/relational perspective of psychology Fairbairn championed) as a means of explaining a person’s tendency to seek out, fall in love with, and have tremendous difficulty separating from unavailable and/or critical, rejecting or even abusive partners. 

Fairbairn’s theory suggests that this compulsive tendency often is formed in childhood. For some children, their parent is their initial “exciting object”; due to any number of reasons, the parent is only capable of loving the child partially and inconsistently. As a result, the child becomes conditioned to a partial reinforcement schedule in relationships, as similarly occurs with slot machines. This forms in the child a predisposition in adulthood toward gambling for a jackpot, that is, searching out and attempting to garner from “exciting objects” the acceptance and intimacy he or she desires. However, rarely, if ever, is the jackpot won. Instead, individuals prone to these toxic relationships ultimately become frustrated, pessimistic, and skeptical of their own self-worth as each successive exciting object fails them. This dynamic is especially relevant for certain relational “attachment styles,” specifically the Ambivalent Attachment Style, and is frequently played out in narcissistic and codependent relationships. In the next virtual meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, December 17, 2022 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will explore Fairbairn’s theory of the exciting object and discuss its relevance to contemporary relationship problems. In our discussion, we will also consider the psychology of attachment types and the mechanisms by which relational patterns in adulthood are linked to the parent-child bond.  

To register for this upcoming virtual seminar, please see the directions below.

Newly-Forming Psychodynamic Psychotherapy Group

A new psychodynamic psychotherapy group (for women and men) is currently forming in my practice. Referrals are welcomed (please contact me at 949-338-4388 or at jt@jamestobinphd.com). This therapy group will utilize the emerging dynamics among group members as a basis from which to examine characteristic ways of thinking, feeling, and relating to others. This group will be a therapeutic experience and entry occurs only after a pre-group screening interview and preparation phase. As of now, the time and location of this new group are TBD.