Love and Logic
During difficult times, like what our country is experiencing right now, kids need the reassurance that they can speak with their parents about their feelings and opinions—this goes a long way toward helping our kids cope. It also decreases the odds that they will feel compelled to hide their feelings or possibly act out to gain our attention.
There are many important topics that we need to discuss with our kids. However, have you noticed that very soon after you start talking about something important with your kid, you end up in lecture mode and are the only one talking? This tendency can be attributed to our “Lecture Lobe.” Most of us have one. It’s a part of our brain devoted exclusively to lecturing kids about being more responsible, eating green stuff, getting a good education, staying away from all things that might “put your eye out,” etc.
Listening to our youngsters’ opinions, even when they’re silly, strange, or downright scary, dramatically increases the odds that they’ll listen when it’s our turn to speak. Let’s think about this. Do children have control over whether they listen to us, even when we don’t give them this control? You bet! Whenever we pretend to have control over things that we clearly do not, then we erode their respect for us and create a battle they cannot resist.
Here are a few tips to experiment with when talking to your kids about important matters:
- Have plenty of short discussions rather than a few long ones.
- Listen with empathy and compassion.
- Ask open-ended questions that are thoughtful and sincere.
- Ask permission to share your thoughts.
- Don’t fall into the trap of trying to force them into a conversation if they refuse to talk.
As with all Love and Logic techniques, we must remember that listening with empathy is crucial. When I ask people to describe the parents and teachers who they respected the most as kids, they almost always mention something like, “They were always there to listen.”
Listening means love.
It means that we sincerely care about other’s opinions and emotions.