Assertive Engagement Newsletter

November 2022

Following the long weekend, I’m feeling ambivalence about Thanksgiving. On one hand, it was my father’s favorite holiday. He and my Grandma would cook the family feast together; as she got older, it was Dad and me in the kitchen. We made many memories and some pretty delicious food together over the years. He liked the holiday because it was about coming together with loved ones to share a meal, without the added pressure of gift shopping or decorating. My sister would encourage us to take turns saying something we were grateful for, and we would share a genuine moment of appreciation and gratitude for each other. My dad passed away this year, and I’m incredibly grateful for those hours we spent together and what I learned from him in the kitchen.

On the other hand, I recognize the truth behind the original Thanksgiving, and the myth of unity between the pilgrims and Native American tribes of the northeast. I know that for more than 50 years, Indigenous people have observed a National Day of Mourning in Plymouth, MA to tell the truth about the racism, genocide, theft, and oppression they have endured at the hands of European settlers and colonists. The American government has left legacy of broken treaties and forced removal of tribes from their lands. For many it is not a day of celebration, but of a day of grief, remembrance, and resistance to the erasure of history.

Ambivalence is often unresolved. We can remain in a state of feeling both sides about something small, or something deeply connected to our values on a foundational level. Exploring honest reflection, confronting injustice, mourning, practicing gratitude and mindful appreciation will continue to be connected and they all have a place at the table.

The Assertive Engagement Team,

- Helen

"Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?" - Lao Tzu

On One Hand...

Ambivalence is feeling two ways about the same thing at the same time. We can experience it with low stakes issues like wanting a third cup of coffee in the morning, but not wanting to feel jittery from the caffeine. We can also experience ambivalence in high stakes scenarios like wanting to go to college but not wanting to acquire thousands of dollars in student debt. Instead of rushing in with (what we think are) helpful suggestions like, “There are plenty of scholarships available!” or “College is too expensive, have you thought about a trade?”, we can try holding ambivalence.

When we hold ambivalence for someone else, we allow them to explore both sides of what they’re feeling without encouraging them towards what we think is the right decision. We do that by reflecting back what they say or feel about each side without injecting our opinions and judgements. If we need to ask questions, we keep them open ended, taking care not to lead someone towards one side or the other. For the college example above we could ask “What interests you about attending college?” balanced with “What worries do you have about student debt?” Holding ambivalence provides a space for someone to explore their feelings and values around an issue without the pressure to choose or meet someone else’s expectations.

In AE we believe that people are the experts in their lives, and they are the person best qualified to make decisions that affect them.

When exploring our own ambivalence, we can be mindful about what feelings and thoughts are coming up for us, what values are influencing our thinking, and what is happening within our body as we navigate the decision making process. We can find clarity in the stillness, in the noticing.

AE Book Highlight

"After all these generations since Columbus, some of the wisest of Native elders still puzzle over the people who came to our shores. They look at the toll on the land and say, "The problem with these new people is that they don't have both feet on the shore. One is still on the boat. They don't seem to know whether they are staying or not." (207)

The holidays can be a challenging time for many of us and a source of joy for others. For some, we experience both sorrow and joy in equal measures. Dr. Robin Wall Kimmerer’s book, Braiding Sweetgrass: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge and the Teachings of Plants, was first published a decade ago—but in 2020, the book made the New York Times best-seller lists, mainly by word of mouth. The book explores the lessons and gifts that the natural world, especially plants, have to offer to people. A central theme of the book was a call to action for humans; to look to the natural world with gratitude for its many gifts and to use our gifts to protect and heal it.

“Through reciprocity the gift is replenished. All of our flourishing is mutual." (166)

My experience reading Braiding Sweetgrass was a much needed salve for the soul, and as the New York Times Bestsellers list would indicate, I’m not alone in feeling this way. The book left readers with much to ponder. “But, can Americans, as a nation of immigrants, learn to live here as if we were staying? With both feet on the shore?” (207). Dr. Kimmerer urges, that we must.

"To strive to become [indigenous] to place, to throw off the mind-set of the immigrant. Being [indigenous] to place means to live as if this is the land that feeds you, as if these are the streams from which you drink, that build your body and fill your spirit. to become [indigenous] is to know that your ancestors lie in this ground. Here you give your gifts to meet your responsibilities. To become [indigenous to place] is to live as if your children's future matters, to take care of the land as if our lives and the lives of all our relatives depend on it. Because, they do.” (214, 215)

-Rhea

Multnomah County Library is offering unlimited audiobook downloads of Braiding Sweetgrass in honor of Native American Heritage Month.

Download your FREE copy today!

Additional Resources

Take a Walk with Dr. Robin Wall Kimmerer

Join Dr. Wall Kimmerer as she walks through the forest and shares gifts from the land and what stories the plants can tell.

In their own words

Young members of the Mashpee Wampanoag tribe share their own reflections on Thanksgiving and its history.

Map of community art installations

Multnomah County in the Community

Our colleague Brianna Bragg and the Future Generations Collaborative (FGC) was invited to participate in this art installation by sending folks from the collaborative for photos and sharing information in honor of Native American Heritage Month. This beautiful installation collaboration was created by the City of Portland Tribal Relations office, the Office of Commissioner Meieran, Metro's Tribal Relations office, and INDIGENA Indigenous Storytelling Collective.

It's so beautiful to see so many of our community members represented. "This project is powerful and an important reminder to others that, as Native peoples, we are still here."

An illustration with three people. The person on the left has brown skin, short dark hair in a bob cut, yellow overalls and orange shirt and is looking off in the distance holding a magnifying lens. The person in the center has tan skin, a dark green dress, white bun and is looking straight ahead through binoculars. The erson on the right has light skin, yellow shirt and orange pants and short brown hair and is looking off into the distance with a hand to their brow.

Question of the Month

What is something you feel ambivalent about? How has someone else held ambivalence for you? How has it felt to have someone try to convince you one way or the other?