Vol IV, No 11 - November 29, 2022 |
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If you're reading this you've made it through Round One of the Annual Holiday Smackdown, at least in the States; hope your turkey was moist and your pies plentiful. More advanced rounds are ahead, I'm sorry to say. Gift shopping and cookie baking and card sending and traditions planning and holiday cooking and cocktail tasting (this is an oasis round, a brief respite in the chaos) and child calming and expectations managing and Elf on the Shelf moving and existential question answering and....deep breath...all the holiday things and hooboy I need a nap. I don't even do half those things and that list exhausted me.
Surviving the holidays with complex kids is practically an Olympic sport, one that deserves corporate sponsorship. Holidays 2022 brought to you by the letters OMG and the numbers 24/7! This month's issue of the Journey brings tips and tricks from experienced parents and counselors, as well as a list of recommended books that might help you get through the season.
Hang in there, folks. We'll be back next month with hopes and dreams for 2023.
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Jen Merrill is a writer, musician, teacher, ed-tech marketing advisor, and gifted-family advocate. The mom of two boys, she homeschooled her twice-exceptional teen through high school while happily sending his younger brother off to his high school every morning. Those days now in the past, she is settling into the somewhat quieter life of an empty-nester. Her book, If This is a Gift, Can I Send It Back?, struck a nerve with families; her second book, on the needs of gifted parents and self-care, will be finished shortly before the heat death of the universe. In addition to writing on her longtime blog, Laughing at Chaos, Jen has presented at SENG, NAGC, and WCGTC.
Jen brings both her acquired wisdom and her experience as a teacher and mentor to her work in the service of parents, teaching them techniques and mentoring them into their own versions of success. Her goal is to support parents of gifted and twice-exceptional kids, because they are the ones doing the heavy lifting and are too often ignored, patronized, and discredited. It is her hope that her sons never have to deal with these issues when they raise their own likely gifted children.
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A Few of My Favorite Things:
Books that provide Comfort and Joy for Gifted and 2e Parents During the Holidays
By Marna Walthall Wohlfeld
‘Tis the season. Full stop. We all know what that means. School is out, homeschool is thrown off course, and extracurricular activities are on pause. Planned events, parties, and performances abound. Expectations of extended family members increase. Sugar consumption is at an all-time high while routines are traded for late bedtimes and excessive screen-time. For 2e kids and families, this can be a season of meltdowns, disappointments, and disagreements. As cider mulls, lights twinkle, and anxiety rises, parents square their shoulders and attempt to turn a chaotic time into a magical holiday season. Let’s be honest - it may take a miracle.
Yet, there are a few elves who have worked hard to provide comfort and support to 2e parents, even during these challenging times. Reading these books is like brewing a soothing cup of tea, burning a nice-smelling candle, pulling on cozy socks and a warm blanket, and reading by the fire. Deborah Reber, Hunter-Clarke-Fields, Tina Payne Bryson, and Daniel Siegel write like supportive, empathetic friends who have been there, “get it” and are standing by to offer moral support with humility and humor. If you are too harried to sit and read, listening to them on audio is just as soothing.
Debbie Reber’s Differently Wired is an autobiographical account of her experience raising her 2e son and the lessons she has learned along the way. Reber has created the world she needs as a parent and the world she wants her child to grow up in. She welcomes us in with open arms and one caveat: we must help launch a paradigm shift about differently wired kids. We must say, “no to trying to fit these square-peg kids into round holes, no to educational and social systems that don’t respect and support how they move through the world, no to frustration and isolation -- and … yes to the gifts of these unique children and everything that goes along with who they are” (Reber, 2018, p. viii).
Reber leads us through eighteen simple “tilts” that will help us support our 2e kids and ourselves. Each is a small step that has a butterfly effect of positivity. Here are some of my favorites: “Let Go of What Others Think,” “Stop Fighting Who Your Child Is and Lean In,” “Become Fluent In Your Child’s Language,” and “Practice Relentless Self-Care.” Making any one of these shifts this season will make for a more peaceful and enjoyable holiday. Reber offers an online community of support called The Differently Wired Club and hosts the Tilt Parenting podcast. She broadcasts weekly interviews with other authors and thinkers, including those in this article.
In Raising Good Humans, Hunter Clarke-Fields recounts the lessons her children have taught her and how she transitioned from reactive to mindful parenting. She shares the pitfalls she experienced along the way. Like Reber, she calls for a paradigm shift - away from perfectionistic parenting and toward authentic, mindful parenting. Though her book is not specifically written for 2e parents or the differently wired community, it is applicable to any parent looking to quiet their stress response and communicate with their children in a way that minimizes resistance and promotes cooperation. I’ll have another helping of that, please!
Clarke-Fields was inspired to write her book after reading many parenting books that neglected to consider that “all their good advice goes out the window when your stress response kicks in” (Clarke-Fields, 2019, p. 7). A mindfulness coach and yoga practitioner, Clarke-Fields lays out eight simple steps parents can take to calm their stress response, improve their communication with their children and create a more peaceful home. Some of these steps include: practicing self-compassion, mindful listening, and speaking skillfully. She coaches parents through exactly what to say and what not to say to reduce triggers, help kids problem-solve effectively, and promote a peaceful home. Clarke-Fields also hosts the Mindful Mama podcast and offers guided meditations, available on her book’s webpage, if parents need help centering themselves during the holidays.
For those of us who have not yet perfected our calm, mindful parenting techniques, Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., and Daniel Siegel, M.D., offer a wonderful message of hope. The key to great parenting is simple: “just show up” (Siegel, et al., 2021, p. 4). In The Power of Showing Up, which follows their best-selling books The Whole-Brain Child, No Drama Discipline and The Yes Brain, Bryson and Siegel reassure parents that the key to raising healthy and happy children is to be a quality presence in their lives. By bringing attention and awareness to interactions with our children, we help our kids feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. These Four S’s are rooted in attachment science.
The authors, who also developed the Center for Connection (Bryson) and the Mindfulness Awareness Research Center at UCLA and the Mindsight Institute (Siegel), weave years of scientific research with their own personal parenting journeys and their stories of helping parents and children thrive to explain how and why the science works. The goal is to create secure attachment, which “increases children’s lifelong satisfaction and happiness” (p. 14). They also acknowledge that parents are far from perfect. It’s okay to mess up; just repair your mistakes and restore the connection with your kids as soon as possible. And if you feel like you haven’t done a great job of this so far, it’s okay to start today. Because of neuroplasticity, changing your parental approach even a little bit can alter your child’s developing brain, create a sense of security, and result in more peaceful behavior and family interactions.
If you find yourself wondering how to incorporate these books into your holiday schedule, here are some suggestions: spend a little time with Hunter Clarke-Fields on your meditation / yoga mat in the morning; have tea with Debbie Reber and some of her tilts in the afternoon and imagine tasting her famous scones; and serve up Tina Payne Bryson and Dan Siegel with cocktails or mocktails in the evening when everyone needs to be reassured that even if the day wasn’t perfect, they can wake up the next morning and repair and reconnect. Perhaps the magic of the holiday is in the simplicity these books offer. All three decry perfectionism and champion authenticity, connection, and self-care. They accept kids and parents for who they are and what they need. As Bryson and Siegel say, let’s “raise a warm, left-in-the-minivan juice box to all of us imperfect parents out there” (p. 3). Maybe our greatest gift this season is just to “show up” -- for ourselves, our kids, and our families. Cheers!
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Marna Walthall Wohlfeld is a doctoral student at the Bridges Graduate School of Cognitive Diversity in Education. She is a mother of four children, 11, 9 and 5x2. While drinking buckets of coffee to try to keep up with her highly energetic children, she has deschooled, unschooled and homeschooled various kids at various times. She loves learning about and championing students' unique brains and learning styles. She hopes to use her writing, as well as her graduate degree, to advocate for twice-exceptional students and create greater understanding about the need for strengths-based approaches in education and life. |
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A Word from the Web:
Holiday Survival Suggestions from Online Connections
- Routine still matters. Try to keep to it when possible, especially with all the “extra” that is the holiday season.
- Don't assume that just because your taglet has figured out the Santa myth that they still don't want presents from that jolly old guy, otherwise some logical-emotional asynchronicity may just ruin the day.
- Find time and space to slow down. Celebrate together quietly as well to slow the over-stimmed issues. Cards, board games with family.
- Take a quiet moment for self-connection where you each identify three needs that are alive for you.
- Keep your expectations realistic!
- If traveling, minimize the amount of locations you stay at, or hire a camper van/caravan. Transitions are hard, and the same bed every night gives a little structure and routine.
- Buy two new books per child for them to read while waiting for grownups. And Loop earplugs. For kids AND parents! Because some of us get overwhelmed by our children being overwhelmed.
- Plan in down time!
- Sensory breaks. Walk outside, find a corner to hide with headphones and a book. Take a nap or close eyes and rest. Explain to family and friends that you/your child need breaks. Helps parents, too!
- Set expectations and by this, I mean, let them know the plan. What events are you attending, what the dress code is, who will be there, etc. Then ask if they have any questions, concerns, etc. Don’t look at it as coddling (because I can already hear the naysayers), look at it as empowerment and teaching them ways to cope and compensate.
- Send them to college at 14. 🤣
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Many thanks to our contributors for these great ideas: Sarah Nuccio, Alessa Giampaolo Keener, Holly Joseph, Bob Yamtich, Gail Post, Kathleen Humble, Jessie Myers, Tamara Jenkins Quick, Michelle Ruminski, Helen Handley, and Sarah Zimmermann.
Some responses were edited for length and clarity.
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Our friends over at Young Scholars Academy are offering some pretty darn exciting spring courses for gifted & 2e students. Sam and his team truly get how our kids work, and are as passionate as they are empowering! Plus, they're offering a generous 15% off courses for you AND 15% of your purchase is donated to GHF! Registration opens tomorrow, 11/30: https://youngscholarsacademy.org/
Use code YSAGHF15.
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Catch Made for Math’s
Unlocking Dyscalculia Web Series –
Episode 3 features GHF author of Discovering Dyscalculia, Laura Jackson!
“Listeners will come away with a better understanding of dyscalculia from how it looks in the brain, what assessment looks like, intervention, and lived experiences causing all who listen to embrace that dyscalculia is a brain-wiring difference, not a deficit." Listen here.
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For those of you who can give at least $500 we have created a special recognition program where you will be listed on the GHF website and in our monthly newsletter, The GHF Journey, as valued members of the community. Donations may be kept anonymous.
- Tricia Delles, CPA
- Catherine Gruener, M.A., M.A., LCPC, LCMHC, NCC, BC-TMH, Gruener Consulting LLC
- Rosemary Guillette
- Kelly Hayes, Wonder Homeschool Center
- Dr. Melanie Hayes, Big Minds Unschool
- Heidi Molbak, Seed Starter Educational Consulting
- Dan Peters, Summit Center
- Magalie Pinney, State Street’s Do More Grant
- Deborah Reber, Tilt Parenting
- Elizabeth Ringlee, The Champion Project
- Jade Ann Rivera, Sunnyside Micro-School
- Lin Lim-Goh, The Quark Collaboration
- Debbie Steinberg-Kuntz, Bright and Quirky
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MISSION
To empower every gifted family to make strategic, proactive, and intentional educational choices.
VISION
A diverse world of multi-generational families, educators, and professionals supporting each other through community, education, and creating content relating to gifted home education.
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Empowering gifted families to make strategic, proactive, and intentional educational choices.
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