Sixteen years ago, I was living life as an overachieving, successful, type A person. Then an unexpected moment changed everything.
While hiking, I was bit by a mosquito carrying West Nile Virus and had the added complication of encephalitis. I was bed ridden for three months and almost died. I had problems with speech and language, my left leg didn’t work right, my balance and coordination were messed up and I was in a lot of pain. As horrific as this illness was, it was easy compared to the rehab to retrain my body. The result was damage to both the processing area of my brain and my neurological system. Life as I had known it was over.
I had two things going for me when this happened. The first was the importance of gratitude. Even in my darkest hours I could find something to be grateful for and I was able to see the gifts along the way. Gratitude is no longer something I must remember to do; it has become a way of life. Part of that is to be in a space of wonder and awe as I notice the little things in life – clouds in the sky, a bee collecting pollen, leaves blowing in the wind. It is an amazing existence if we just take the time to notice.
The second thing I had going for me when I got sick was the belief that this experience was going to be my greatest teacher. I had no idea just how huge the lessons would be. It is constantly teaching me how to be more compassionate, more humble, and more loving.
One of my first lessons came when I attempted my first solo journey to the grocery store. With my extremely weak body and foggy brain I walked into the store and was completely overwhelmed. I simply could not figure it out. I couldn’t find anything on my list and repeatedly ended up in the wrong aisle. When I found the canned tomato section, the endless choices were undecipherable. The whole experience freaked me out and I left the store in fear and panic. Once I calmed down, I realized that I had to figure out another way to look at this. I did not want to live in fear. I came to the decision that I would look at this new life as an adventure and an exploration. I decided the adventure to the grocery store would be a game. How many things can I find on my list, get them in the cart and get them back home? Sometimes I actually won the game but when I didn’t, it was ok because it was just a game. When I treated it like a game or a puzzle, my slow learning curve and my limitations were easier to handle.
When we experience something that is uncomfortable our tendency is to withdraw, pull back and erect protective barriers. I have learned instead to lean into that which is uncomfortable as an exploration. It takes less energy and there is a lot to learn. I wanted to learn as much I could about this new life so that I could figure out how to not only survive but also how to thrive.
My favorite Rumi quote is “Live life as if everything is rigged in your favor”. It speaks to looking at my world through a different lens, one that is multidimensional and multifaceted; to become still and take time to notice. I had been given this opportunity to create a completely different life. At times it has been incredibly challenging and discouraging. And mixed into all of this was the grief over the loss of my other life. But what choice did I have. I could create something new or I could live an angry, bitter life. For me it was no contest. Over the span of this journey, I have changed the lens multiple times and in the process have created a life of peace and joy where the limitations of my body and brain are just a side bar. I would not trade this life for anything and feel incredibly blessed.
