May 7, 2023

94th Edition

Hello Karen,

Sometimes the hardest part of therapeutic parenting and parenting children with Reactive Attachment Disorder is parents having very different ideas of parenting and views of their child's behaviour.

Children with RAD are masters at triangulation - divide and conquer behaviour - and work as hard as possible to create chaos and tension between parents by acting differently to each parent. This type of behaviour can lead to resentment between parents, less effective parenting strategies, and increased tension and stress in the home.

To help with this, we've compiled some great resources and information to help parents get on the same parenting page and to create a safe, healing environment in their homes.

Enjoy!

Primary Caregiver

The primary caregiver (often Mom) of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is the target for all of the hardest, worst, most chaotic behaviours. Sometimes the primary caregiver is termed as the "nurturing enemy" or the "loving threat", as their love and care is hard and scary for children who have experienced trauma and a lack of early connections with a safe and loving adult.

Many times the secondary caregiver (often Dad) will not experience or even see the extent of the behaviours that the primary caregiver does. They may experiences some negative, chaotic behaviours, push-away behaviours, or defiance, or they may see some of these acted out toward the primary caregiver, but generally they do not see the worst behaviours. For this reason, it is essential that the secondary caregiver fully believes the primary caregiver about what they are experiencing.

Tips for parenting on the same page

Your healthy relationship together as parenting partners is an essential piece of the healing environment in your home. Set aside some time this weekend to work through this list together and start parenting on the same page!

Look at the big picture

Take time to figure out together what the big picture is for your child and family. Rather than focusing on individual behaviours for this, focus on goals such as being able to go out together as a family, having a day with no holes punched in the walls, being able to get through a meal all together, etc.

Identify priorities

Find out what your priorities are for your child and family (these will likely differ between parents). Peaceful meal times, family movie night, being able to go on a hike together, etc.

Start with similarities

What are the goals and priorities that you both share? Begin by looking at these and figuring out the steps you need to take as parents to help these become a reality. This may include making a more workable family schedule, splitting up parenting responsibilities (checking chores, playtime, nurturing activities, etc.), setting aside time each evening to go over the days happenings and to make a plan for the next day, etc.

Listen

Many of your goals and priorities will be different, in part because of the difference in behaviours that are experienced. Listen mindfully and openly to each other as you each share why something is important to you for your child and family. Don't judge, argue, or try to persuade the other parent that what they think is important isn't - just listen and be understanding of how they feel.

Explore options

Brain storm together of ways that you can make each of your goals and priorities happen. A great way to do this is to have one person write down all of the off-the-top-of-the head ideas that come up (no matter how crazy they may be!). Once you have a brainstorm list, go over it together, crossing out what isn't feasible, circling what you both agree on, and putting a question mark beside the ones that you feel differently about. Come back to this list in a few days and see what solutions you have for the ideas that have been question marked.

Embrace differences

There will always be differences in how you view your child's behaviour and in your parenting styles. An important part in parenting on the same page is to embrace these differences. Understanding that each parent has different ideas but that you both hold the shared goal of healing and happiness for your family can help you to move forward with an effective parenting plan.

Tips for when a parent isn't interested in getting on the same page

There are time and situations in which one parent refuses to acknowledge their child's behaviours or the experiences of one parent. This can create a very hard and potentially toxic environment for the one parent and the child. Here are some things you can do when your parenting partner does not want to work on parenting on the same page.

Be patient

It can take time for a parent to be willing to see their child's negative behaviours or the differences in behaviours displayed to different parents. Be patient. Often it is just a matter of time before they begin to realize what is going on and to see the same behaviours you see.

Offer resources

Make resources available. Find resources and articles that explain early childhood trauma, Reactive Attachment Disorder, and the difference in behaviour to the primary and secondary caregivers. This can help the other parent to see that it isn't just a problem in your family, but something that is experienced by others as well.

Delay the conversation

When you are frustrated with the way the other parent is handling (or not handling) a situation, save the conversation about it for later. Take some time to calm your self, sort out what you want to talk about, and find a time when your child is not around - they do not need to hear the arguments between you and your parenting partner.

Stay focused on the kids

Rather than always focusing on your differences and the disagreements you have about parenting, focus on the needs of your child. Even if you disagree about methods or techniques of therapeutic parenting, you can often agree on wanting your child to be happy and healthy.

Seek help

Counselling or therapy for couples is always recommended when parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. The stress and exhaustion and the triangulation and manipulation are very hard on couple relationships. Find a professional who can help you to work together and keep your relationship strong through and beyond your therapeutic parenting journey.



In part from imperfectfamilies.com

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