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ellie krug
writer, lawyer, human
Human Inspiration Works, LLC
The Ripple
Vol 6 No. 8 September 2021
Inspired by the words and deeds of Robert F. Kennedy
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Wonderment
Dear Friends:
Since moving from a downtown Minneapolis condo to a “villa” home in Victoria (an outermost Twin Cities exurb) last winter, I’ve experienced a profound shift in how I feel about being connected to the land.
I live in a development that literally borders on the prairie—from my bedroom window I can see a farm, and with open windows I hear mooing cows in the morning and yipping coyotes at night. A mile and a half away, I can bike gravel roads that run along nothing but farm fields and silos.
Out here there are no glass and steel buildings to block my view of the horizon. Often, I sit in pleasure simply watching puffy clouds reflect pink from a setting sun’s delightful rays.
Three miles away is the Carver Park Preserve with trails that pass through what I’ve come to call the “enchanted forest” of magnificent oaks and birches, and along lily-filled lakes and reed-popping marshes. As I ride along those trails, I often pinch myself in awe of my luck to have such wonderment so close.
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so in tune with the land. It has made me incredibly grateful that I had the temerity (and extreme luck) to move here in the middle of a pandemic. Maybe this is a good place for my pup, Jack, and me to be. (By the way, Jack is now almost 40 lbs. of playfulness and curiosity; he’s a lot of work but such a good boy!)
Enjoy the change of seasons as we head toward what will soon be crisp, cold air and white on the ground. (At least some of us will have that…)
Remember, I care about you!
ellie
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The Power of Written Words:
A Bond Between Strangers
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This is a bit lengthy, but I think worth the effort.
From The Washington Post comes the story of Dashauna Priest, whose Lorrain, Ohio third grade class collectively wrote thank-you letters to anonymous World War II veterans in 2009. Dashauna’s letter ended up in the hands of then-83-year-old U.S. Army veteran Frank Grasberger, who lived in Strongsville, Ohio.
The letter, written in a child’s hand on lined paper, was simple in words, but powerful in effect: “Thank you for saving us from Hitler. If it wasn’t for you, we would never have freedom. You made freedom for us. You sacrificed your own life.”
When he first read the letter, Frank was moved to tears. He said, “It really tore my heart up when I saw it. I just couldn’t believe a child could write about a war.” In fact, the letter meant so much to Frank that over the years, he carried it wherever he went, and he even prayed with it at night. He was also quick to show the letter to others.
Shortly after getting Dashauna’s letter, Frank wrote back to her, saying in part, “You made me feel very good about fighting the war. War is a terrible thing but if it helped keep you and many others ‘free’ it was well worth it.” The letter was mailed to Dashauna’s elementary school, but Frank never received confirmation that Dashauna had actually received it.
Fast forward to this summer when Frank showed Dashauna’s letter to Jill Pawloski, the resident services director at the senior housing community where Frank and his wife of nearly 75 years live. After Frank expressed regret that he was never able to connect with Dashauna, Jill took it upon herself to surf the internet to see what she might find. Fairly quickly she found whom she thought was Dashauna; this was confirmed when Dashauna immediately replied to Jill’s private message.
As it turns out, Dashauna remembered writing her third-grade letter—because she had actually received Frank’s reply letter. Just like Frank had done with her letter, Dashauna had considered Frank’s letter so important that she kept it in a keepsake box. She related, “I read it (Frank’s letter) from time to time and would think about him. I always wanted to have a conversation with him because of everything he wrote in the letter.”
Jill invited Dashauna to surprise Frank with a visit. Only three days later, on July 23rd, Dashauna showed up at the retirement community with a dozen roses in hand. At first Frank couldn’t believe she was the young person he had so longed to meet, but eventually Frank grabbed Dashauna’s hand and said, “I love you so much. I really do.”
Since then, Frank and Dashauna have formed a friendship that includes regular phone calls and a planned visit so that Frank can meet Dashauna’s six-month-old son. Frank, the father of two daughters, now calls Dashauna his “third daughter.”
I share this story for several reasons. First, as I’ve said in the past, written words are so incredibly powerful because the recipient can put the letter or note aside and come back to it over and over. Please, take the time to put pen to paper and wrote those you care about.
Second, Frank’s reference to “third daughter” so resonated with me personally since there are several younger women so dear to me that they hold that title. One of them—“J”—even receives this newsletter.
Thirdly, Jill’s allyship in taking the time/making the effort to find Dashauna made all the difference. Remember, allyship can show up in so many ways; and, too, giving of your time to another human—like surfing the internet to find an important someone—was a genuine act of compassion.
Lastly, The Washington Post makes it impossible to duplicate their photos. I urge you to check out the actual story because there’s a bit of a twist in how Dashauna was dressed when she met Frank for the first time. It really makes one wonder about fate. (Again, here is the link.)
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Inclusivity Tip of the Month
Understand Male vs. Female Speech Patterns
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Those who have read my memoir, Getting to Ellen, will recall that one of my biggest challenges in transitioning genders was taking speech therapy to learn how to “speak like a woman.” Certainly, one part of the therapy involved efforts to raise the pitch (sound) of my voice (ah, sadly, we all know how that turned out…).
The other part focused on “feminine” word usage and speech patterns. For example, as a man, I would refer to a woman wearing a “shirt.” Women, on the other hand, would say “top” or “blouse.” Soon, speech therapy gave me a whole new vocabulary—“delightful” (vs “good”); “adorable” (vs. “pretty”); and “thrilling” (vs. “fun”).
However, as Laura Yuen details in this recent Minneapolis Star Tribune article about me/this topic, the most difficult part of speech therapy was accepting how women are socialized to use indirect language cues, such as “hedges,” to communicate. My immediate reaction to this was that this made women “subservient” and lesser—but ultimately, I began to adopt the speech patterns in order to help “pass” as female.
For example, at a restaurant a man likely would say to the server, “We could use some water here.” A woman, on the other hand, probably would be less direct: “Excuse me, and I know that you’re very busy, but when you get a chance, would it be possible for us to have some more water?”
This difference in communication styles reverberates in countless ways, and from an inclusivity standpoint, it’s important to remember that expectations about how women “should” talk shapes perceptions and opportunities.
Thus, consider the woman who speaks directly—“We should do this”—versus the woman who hedges—"For what it’s worth, and maybe I’m not the authority here, but don’t you think we should do this?”
In our world today, some in power (usually men) might consider the first woman’s statement as too assertive and that she’s over-confident, or even pushy (and you know what “B-word” then attaches). On the other hand, the second woman’s hedging could be interpreted to mean that she lacks confidence and the ability to lead.
The differences between male and female speech patterns are real and it’s important to recognize and honestly talk about the ways in which we communicate. Understand that socialization shapes us such that communication styles are deeply embedded in gender roles. Give women credit for their ideas—don’t penalize them for they way they may communicate those ideas.
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We begin with this story of two Indiana boys who hopped off their bikes to pay their respects as a stranger, 89-year-old veteran Charles Everett Yorn, was buried—make sure to linger on the photo for an extra second or two and then consider how the best of America shows up time and again, just when you don’t expect it. Next, here’s the video of an older brother offering hugs to his younger sister on her first day of school; trust me, you will be touched. Lastly, see this story of a kind man who bought a family’s groceries after the Mom told her children she couldn’t afford to buy food (and see how fate seems to show up here too—the man never goes to Walmart).
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Here is my recent Lavender Magazine column, “Osseo,” where I write about speaking at a Twin Cities-area school board meeting in favor of the board adopting a gender affirming policy. You’ll read how I reached across the divide to offer compassion to one of the people opposing the policy. A note to readers: please help me to get in front of those who may be intolerant of or unwilling to learn about humans who are “Other.” The only way we can close the divide is with respectful dialogue and I need to be invited in for that to happen. Separately, check out my August 28th radio show where I interviewed Kevin Lindsey, the former MN Commissioner of Human Rights and currently the CEO of the Minnesota Humanities Center, which is doing great work around bridging divides.
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Speaking of school boards, I have been following this story about Dr. James Whitfield, the first black principal of Colleyville High School in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. The incident stems from a middle-of-the-night letter that Dr. Whitfield penned to his school community when he couldn’t sleep shortly after George Floyd’s murder. In the letter, he wrote that systemic racism is “alive and well” and that we all need to work to “achieve conciliation in our nation.” He went on to also write, “Education is the key to stomping out ignorance, hate, and systemic racism…It’s a necessary conduit to get ‘liberty and justice for all.’” Although public reaction to the letter was overwhelmingly positive, the local school board placed Dr. Whitfield on leave after a former unsuccessful school board candidate claimed that Dr. Whitfield was teaching critical race theory and working to destroy institutions and businesses. Last week, the school board voted not to renew Dr. Whitfield’s contract for next year. This is an appalling story of racism and ignorance; read about it here and catch it on my September 25th Ellie 2.0 Radio show.
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This month’s Relief is entirely about whales—see this video of whales swimming below a paddleboarder off the coast of Argentina. Then, check out this story and incredible video of a wildlife photographer encountering a mother sperm whale and her calf in crystal blue water. It’s just amazing!
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In memory of 9/11, here’s a story of the enduring bond between Silvion Ramsundar, who was injured when the plane struck Tower 2, and Doug Brown, who spotted him in the stairwell of the 60th floor. Doug helped to carry Silvion down 60 flights just before the tower collapsed, saving Silvion’s life. We never know when the moment to help another human will arise. Here also is the story of a Missouri school teacher who chose to resign rather than remove the small gay pride flag he put up in his classroom. Why are our idealists being shuttered out of education institutions across the country?
Lastly, if you want to help me to do more work for organizations that lack budgets for training, please consider donating to Human Ripple Works, Inc., a nonprofit that others and I set up to train nonprofits/other organizations on human inclusivity. Thank you for that!! If you’d like to support this work, please click here on the HRW website.
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Finally....
The Ripple is a work in progress, so please, I welcome your suggestions and comments! Please share this newsletter with others, too!
Thank you for helping to make the world a better place! I'm at your side, cheering you on, I promise! Please have compassion for yourself and for others.
ellie
Encouraging Open Hearts and Thriving Human Spirits
Human Inspiration Works, LLC: We make "inclusion" an action word
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Ellen (Ellie) Krug
319-360-1692
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