While my path to PRIDE was long and sometimes painful, I am grateful it has ultimately led me to work with PESA where my purpose and passion now is to be a role model and mentor to those who may be struggling with being accepted in any way and standing up to make a difference in ways I could not for myself.
My struggle was not outwardly apparent for most of my professional career, so I begin there. The first phase of my career was 12 years as a teacher at a private preschool in West Hollywood. (Yes, ironic right?) I began as a teacher’s aide while studying undergrad psychology and sociology. Over the years, I became director and entered graduate school and obtained an MS in organizational psychology.
I loved teaching and nurturing preschool-age students. However, I was unable to be my authentic self. Several years into work, a parent told the owner of the school that they thought I was gay and did not want “that kind of person” teaching their kids. The school owner and my greatest mentor, Lorraine Landsberg, told that parent that her teachers’ personal lives had no impact on their work and that I was an integral and highly valued part of the school. Phew, and Oy, because when Lorraine called me into her office to tell me of the exchange, she asked me if I was gay and told me clearly that it didn’t make a bit of difference to her. I lied, and continued to lie, even though I was already in a five-year relationship. I was in my 20s and lived in West Hollywood with my parents and then with my girlfriend at the time. When I started to attend the annual PRIDE parade, I felt both exhilarated to see I was not alone, but very fearful of being spotted by any of my students and parents. It wasn’t until years later and long after I left the school that I owned my lie to Lorraine. She remained a pivotal influence in my life until her passing just this year.
Fast forward to part two of my working life: A major career change to a position with the Los Angeles Superior Court to gain a better salary, benefits and stability. Did I mention it was the judicial system?! If I thought that working in West Hollywood with entertainment-industry families wasn’t safe, imagine my “uh-oh” moment as I entered a new phase of hiding my personal authenticity. My career was just beginning, and I was afraid, unsure and intimidated. And with good reason: I would sit in too many meetings over too many years wherein slurs of homophobia, sexism and anti-Semitism were freely expressed. I would, over time, hear comments from numerous levels of management that “so and so ‘came out’ and that will affect any future promotional opportunities,” so my concerns felt warranted and I remained closeted.
My work at the Court included serving in increasingly senior administrative positions, ending with my role in the Community Relations Office. This became my most fulfilling work, wherein I coordinated many community outreach projects, including managing the Teen Court and SHADES programs. It was after more than 10 years with the Court and getting to a place where I didn’t care about being promoted any further, that I finally opened up to a select few. They confirmed the conservative nature of the Court and suggested keeping my personal life private. Enough said! When casual conversations with coworkers turned personal, I shut down and changed the subject.
It wasn’t until I met a few other LGBT employees (who were brave enough to be authentic) and one of my new friends overheard someone say that they knew I was gay but that I must not be comfortable with myself. That was so far from the truth, but I could see how that could have been perceived that way. So by now in my 40s and happily into a 15-year relationship (what is now still a very happy 34-year relationship – 6 years married), I said enough is enough. By this time, I saw more people coming out and thought now is the time. What message am I sending or not sending? I slowly began repairing the lies to those that I had been close to professionally for years.
One of my most reaffirming moments was the day after my marriage ceremony, I shared the news with one of my mentees at work, admittedly with some trepidation. She was so overjoyed, gave me a huge hug and insisted that I get my spouse on the phone so she could congratulate us! In hindsight, as I began to share the news, I felt I was walking just a tad taller by knowing that “we” are now official under the eyes of the law after 28 years together.