November 7, 2022

 88th Edition

Hello {First Name},

Teen sass is something all parents deal with at some point. But when you add teen sass and childhood trauma and a lack of parent-child connection, it is a whole new level of sass and chaos!

We've put together some of our best and most used sass strategies to help you deal therapeutically with your teen's sass and create a stronger parent-child bond through these tough years.

This topic was suggested by an Awesome Therapeutic Mom who has two sassy teens of her own - thank you for the suggestion!

Enjoy!

Why does my teen have so much sass??

Sometimes sass and arguing can be a way of seeking connection and attention. Because our kiddos push away love, they tend to seek connection in negative ways - such as by arguing. The back-and-forth of an argument can feel like connection to them, and make them think that their need for connection is being met. When we can respond therapeutically, our kiddos can learn that arguing is a negative and maladaptive way to build relationships and that we are there to teach and model positive and loving ways to meet their connection needs.

And sometimes with kids with RAD, it's as simple as a power struggle to test out if you are a strong, loving, empowered leader who will keep them safe. You know the saying "Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience" ? Our kids have a lot of experience. And time to argue. And a lot of stick-to-itiveness. They will beat you, 100%. And when our kids feel they have beaten us in an argument, they get the feeling that they are smarter and better than us. And when they feel smarter and better than us, they don't see us as someone who is capable of keeping them safe.

Here are some ways to skip the power struggles that sass and arguments create while keeping your relationship front and centre:

5 Love Languages

Understanding your teens love language can go a long way in understanding their emotional needs and how to connect with them in the most meaningful way possible. Click on the link and take the quiz with your teen: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes 

The book, "The Five Love languages of Teenagers" is a great one to read. If offers ideas, tips, and strategies for understanding and speaking to your teen's love language.

Love and Logic one-liners

One-liners are a great way to deal with arguing. They allow you to respond to the relationship but side-step the argument and power struggle. 

Next time your child argues and sasses, try using one of these phrases on repeat:

• “I love you too much to argue.”
• “I’ll listen when your voice is calm like mine.”
• “I know.”
• “What did I say?”
• “How sad.”
• “Thanks for sharing.”
• “That’s an option.”

Another love and logic tip: When your child gets mouthy, go “brain dead.”

Read their full article and all 5 tips here: https://www.loveandlogic.com/blogs/our-blog/ending-back-talk-and-bad-attitudes

Empathetic Listening

Listen with empathy to what your teen is saying during their argumentative monologue. Empathize with the emotions and feelings they are expressing and let them know you can see their side of the argument and how hard it is for them. (Arguing back or dismissing their feelings puts a break in the bond you have, rather than building up the bond with empathetic listening.)

Try some of these responses after listening with empathy:

• "This sounds really hard."
• "Feeling that way is really tough."
• "It must be hard thinking I don't love you/care about you."
• "I'm so sorry you feel this way."

Quality one-on-one time

Teen sass can be a sign that your teen needs some quality one-on-one time with a parent. Use this time to do something fun together: go on an outing, cook a meal, or watch a movie and eat popcorn together. The key piece to this strategy is to NOT talk about the sass, any behaviours, goals for the future, or how much better their life could be if only they would listen... Simply spend time enjoying your child doing something you both love.

Argument Date

This is a tried-and-true therapeutic technique that has been used by many, many therapeutic parents. CAUTION: This cannot be done with anger, frustration, or a sense of "payback." 

When your teen has something they want to argue about with you, let them know you're busy at the moment but would love to argue about this at a time when you can give them your full attention. Get out your calendar and pick a date and time that work for both of you and set an Argument Date (15 - 20 minutes, max).

At the designated time, sit down with your teen, get comfy, have drinks ready, and let the argument begin! Set a timer for the set amount of time (15 - 20 minutes) and use empathetic listening and the Love and Logic one-liners. When the time is up thank your teen for the lovely date and give them a big hug. If they have more to argue about (or argue about ending the argument!) set up another date with them in a week or two. 

What NOT to do when your child starts an argument:

• Tell them you don't want to listen to them.
• Use threats to try to get them to stop.
• Send them to their room.
• Let them control your emotions.

All of these responses push our teen away rather than bringing them in, ignore the vital relationship piece, and cause more tension and chaos instead of less.