Dear TBZ community:
Yesterday, Marjie Sokoll -- TBZ member, and the Director of the Betty Ann Greenbaum Miller Center for Jewish Healing and the Director of Spirituality and Aging at JF&CS -- and I were planning our first night of Hanukkah program: You Are Not Alone: Confronting Winter Loneliness and Isolation.
As we planned how to talk about loneliness and isolation, we came to realize and recognize that no matter what stage of life you are in, and no matter if you live alone or with others, we have all faced difficult and sometimes overwhelming challenges these past nine months, and we have all felt, at times, very alone. And although there is light at the end of the pandemic tunnel - a vaccine and a return to “normalcy” - we all must face a challenging winter journey ahead.
For those who live alone, this winter will make it that much more difficult to go out for walks or meet friends outside. For those with elderly parents, this winter brings anxiety about how to care for them and ensure their safety. For those with young children, this winter means continuing to juggle too many balls -- children, jobs, relationships. For those with underlying health issues, this winter is a particularly scary moment as infection rates climb and they need to be even more vigilant, and stay healthy for this, what we hope, will be the last months of the pandemic.
Yet, after nine months of Covid-19, we have learned that we human beings know how to adapt. We -- YOU -- are amazingly resilient.
As Marjie and I continued to plan, we spoke about an emotion that many of us have experienced -- the feeling of not being worthy of help from others and even more striking, of not being worthy of compassion from our own selves.
As many of you know, our practice at TBZ is to include in our services (on Shabbat and now also on Boker Tov TBZ) the kavanah, the intentionality of loving our neighbors as we love ourselves.
הֲרֵינִי מְקַבֵּל(ת) עָלַי אֶת מִצְוַת הַבּוֹרֵא, וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ
I take upon myself the Mitzvah of loving my neighbor as I love myself.
This is not a theoretical mitzvah, this is practical. I encourage you to think very practically (tachles) of one thing you can do each day that will be about loving yourself, and one thing you can do each day, that is about caring for others. We have all heard the airplane instructions “Please place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting others.” These instructions help us understand this Mitzvah even more. We need to breathe so we can be there for others. We need to love ourselves, be compassionate to our own selves, and see ourselves as worthy of receiving love and compassion in order to give love and compassion to those in need.
In this week’s parsha, Vayishlach, the saga between Esau and Jacob comes to an end. Jacob is returning home after a long time and he learns that his brother is on his way to meet him. Jacob is frightened about meeting him.
We read in Genesis 32:8:
וַיִּירָ֧א יַעֲקֹ֛ב מְאֹ֖ד וַיֵּ֣צֶר ל֑וֹ וַיַּ֜חַץ אֶת־הָעָ֣ם אֲשֶׁר־אִתּ֗וֹ וְאֶת־הַצֹּ֧אן וְאֶת־הַבָּקָ֛ר וְהַגְּמַלִּ֖ים לִשְׁנֵ֥י מַחֲנֽוֹת
Jacob was greatly frightened; in his anxiety, he divided the people with him, and the flocks and herds and camels, into two camps.
The Medieval commentator Rashi explains:
He was afraid lest he be killed, and he was distressed that he might have to kill someone.
ויירא ויצר. וַיִּירָא שֶׁמָּא יֵהָרֵג, וַיֵּצֶר לוֹ אִם יַהֲרֹג הוּא אֶת אֲחֵרִים
So, Jacob prepares. He divides his people so that in case one camp is attacked, the other camp might be able to escape.
At that moment, he calls into God and says:
קָטֹ֜נְתִּי מִכֹּ֤ל הַחֲסָדִים֙ וּמִכָּל־הָ֣אֱמֶ֔ת אֲשֶׁ֥ר עָשִׂ֖יתָ אֶת־עַבְדֶּ֑ךָ כִּ֣י בְמַקְלִ֗י עָבַ֙רְתִּי֙ אֶת־הַיַּרְדֵּ֣ן הַזֶּ֔ה וְעַתָּ֥ה
הָיִ֖יתִי לִשְׁנֵ֥י מַחֲנֽוֹת
I am unworthy of all the kindness that You have so steadfastly shown Your servant: with my staff alone I crossed this Jordan, and now I have become two camps.
Jacob’s fear and insecurity, perhaps even Jacob’s regret for what he did to his brother a long time back makes him feel he is now unworthy of God's compassion and mercy.
Rashi adds to this:
קטנתי מכל החסדים
I am too unworthy of all the mercies:
My merits are diminished in consequence of all the kindness and truth which You have already shown me. For this reason I am afraid: perhaps, since You made these promises to me, I have become depraved (נתקלקלתי) by sin and this may cause me to be delivered unto Esau’s power.
קטנתי מכל החסדים
נִתְמַעֲטוּ זְכֻיּוֹתַי עַל יְדֵי הַחֲסָדִים וְהָאֱמֶת שֶׁעָשִׂיתָ עִמִּי, לְכָךְ אֲנִי יָרֵא, שֶׁמָּא מִשֶּׁהִבְטַחְתַּנִי נִתְקַלְקַלְתִּי בְחֵטְא וְיִגְרֹם לִי לְהִמָּסֵר בְּיַד עֵשָׂו
Rashi understands that Jacob’s fear of unworthiness is a result of all the good that has happened to him. Jacob fears that he has been a recipient of so much good that he has used all his credit.
We have all, at some point, felt unworthy -- unworthy of compassion, of love and of the good things in our lives. We can feel unworthy of our own love and the love from others. We may feel we have already gotten “our fair share” or we may feel we are simply “not good enough” to warrant love and compassion. It is hard for many of us to feel worthy of Hesed, of loving-kindness, especially when we face challenging times and we need love and compassion all the more. In those times, we can be so hard on ourselves that we can find it difficult to receive love, or give love to others or connect with our community.
Lecturer, author, and podcast host, Brené Brown speaks about the importance of engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. She says:
“Wholehearted Living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, ‘No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.’ It’s going to bed at night thinking, ‘Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.’”
Yes, the days are getting shorter and darker, but Hanukkah which begins on Thursday night, reminds us that each of us can bring light, that each of us IS light and that each of us is worthy of compassion and love. And even though the day light is diminishing, with each night of Hanukkah our lights grow brighter.
We are all Jacob, our fears can diminish our capacity for self compassion and can make us feel lonely and even more afraid. When we speak to our own selves with compassion, with tenderness and with love, we are breathing the oxygen to allow us to speak to our neighbors with compassion, tenderness and love. We fulfill the Mitzvah only when we first can love ourselves.
As your rabbi the most important message that I want to give each of you is this: “You are not alone. You are part of a community that cares and is with you.”
We, at TBZ, are here for you, to support you at this time. Remember, you are not alone. If you need any support, please reach out to me directly or to Amy Bullock, at hesed@tbzbrookline.org.
This Hanukkah we have created a rich program in person (outside and masked) and online so no night you are alone, so you are with community lighting candles. Check the details below.
May this Shabbat bring renewal and blessings to all of you and your loved ones..
May we learn to find in darkness the possibility of blessing and new beginnings.
May we find strength, courage, and patience, and open our hearts with generosity.
May all those who are ill find healing.
May we have a joyful and restful Shabbat!
