On Thursday, May 5, the Needham Resilience Network met at the Center for the Heights. The title of this month’s meeting was “Flip the Switch,” a reference to our ability to choose how we approach interactions with others, and specifically–to decide in real-time whether an interaction would benefit most from a “listening” vs. an “influencing” approach. 


LEARNING AND SKILLS   
                 
“Rethinking is a skill set, but it’s also a mindset. We already have many of the mental tools we need. We just have to remember to get them out of the shed and remove the rust.” - Adam Grant

We have all kinds of interactions in life. Many of them are characterized by an attempt to influence someone–it could be to promote an idea at work, or to persuade the family to eat out at the place you have in mind. It might be debating a hot topic with a friend. But not all conversations need to fall in the persuasion category. When a person we’re speaking with doesn’t share our perspective, or perhaps even value it, seeking to influence them by arguing for your position (or against theirs) can backfire.

This is especially the case with deeply held values or positions (see “Resources” for research on the backfire effect and sacred values, and other research in psychology showing that persuasion conversations often just make people dig in their heels). If we find ourselves in a situation where this might be the case, we can CHOOSE the way we want to proceed. We can carry forward with a “persuasion” conversation, or flip the switch and engage in an “understanding” conversation.


Exercise 1: (Partners) 

Flipping the Switch: Questions of Persuasion and Understanding

Breaking into pairs, we sought to experience the difference between being a part of a “persuasion” conversation versus an “understanding” conversation. We defined “questions of persuasion” as questions designed to influence someone or ‘win’ in a conversation. We defined “questions of understanding” as questions focused on someone’s intentions or values, questions stemming from curiosity and empathy. Each person in the pair chose a topic that resonated with them—something that was not super emotional, but also not hypothetical (e.g., dogs should always be leashed, schools should include mental health days).

In the “Persuasion” condition, the talker listed the reasons their position made sense and the questioner asked questions that might poke holes in that reasoning.

In the “Understanding” condition, the talker spoke about how/why this issue felt salient for them, their personal experiences with it. The questioner asked questions to further probe their feelings and experiences related to the topic, seeking to better understand its meaning to the person.

In the debrief about how each of these roles felt, Network members shared:

“When I feel that I am in a safe environment, I am more willing to challenge and to change”

“(It’s good to keep in mind that…) It can be considered acceptable and expected or rude and uncultured to disagree/debate”

“Asking versus pushing seemed more effective.”

“It feels good to be heard.”

“It makes me feel more confident about what I am saying if the listener seems supportive.”

If one does decide to “flip the switch” in any given situation, to move from persuasion to connection, it can be helpful to have a checklist, or some tips, about how to do so. (e.g., how to listen, ask questions, and effectively reflect back what you’re hearing). One model for this is SAVE: Stories, Actions, Values and Emotions.


Exercise 2: (Groups)

Full Spectrum Learning

“Be as passionate about listening as you are about wanting to be heard.”  -Brene Brown

Participants explored what this quote could mean. Some said that it’s a good reminder to "choose to delay your words,” while others reflected on “choosing your words wisely.’ Some noted that they’re often thinking of how to respond rather than really listening to what is being said, which might mean they miss things.  

For this exercise, we talked about how there are many layers or “wavelengths” within any communication, or story. There might be things hidden between the lines (emotions that come through in body language, or pauses), or cues that what is being said matters deeply to the person. When studied deeply, communication can relay far more than the topline messaging.

To experience this, and to learn some concrete skills for listening, the Network engaged in listening through the SAVE exercise (Storytelling, Action, Values, Emotion). In groups of 4, participants took a role sharing a story about a time that they overcame something. For each story, the other three participants listened for one type of thing: actions, values or emotions. At the end of the story, they shared back what they heard. 

In the debrief, participants discussed some emotionally moving experiences and noted the power of full spectrum listening for building trust and relationships. Observations about listening and being listened to through this group exercise included: 

“Everyone’s stories are valid whether they are describing dire situations or more mundane topics. There is no need to compare or compete. The important thing is the exchange of being listened to and also listening.”

“Feels vulnerable to share in this way…challenging….felt supported and cared for”

“Listening matters. The person I was speaking to noticed what I said in my story was reflected in the work that I do. This was affirming, made me feel good and helped me to see something new about myself that hadn’t occurred to me before.”

“It’s isolating to not have spaces where people can be heard…why we get stuck”

“Getting to know people by listening makes more room for love”                 

May the rest of your month include many meaningful interactions! We hope they offer you a chance to practice “persuasion vs. understanding” – either by identifying which situations in your life are appropriate for these approaches, or by enacting them! As always, we’d love to hear if you have any surprising or impactful experiences. 


GROUP BIOS

Needham Community Council

Sandy Robinson presented on the Needham Community Council, an organization she has led now for over 20 years (slides will be sent to the NRN participants in a separate email). While the NCC is best known for its Food Pantry, which serves 400 Needham residents each month, it is also home to the following critical community services:

  • The Medical Equipment Loan Program lends over 70 items per month, free of cost

  • The Transportation Program helps residents get to important appointments, providing over 140 Lyft rides per month (capped at 10 rides per month/pp)

  • The Tablets & Tutors has provided tablets and tech setup to over 160 new users

  • The English Language Learner (ELL) Program currently pairs over 47 tutors and learners

  • The Thrift Store sells second hand clothing, with proceeds going directly to fund the above programs and making up about ⅓ of total revenue. Volunteer opportunities available!

Needham Unites Against Racism Initiative (NUARI)

Ramin Abrishamian presented on NUARI, a select-board appointed group and initiative that aims to foster dialogue about and create actionable steps against racism (slides will be sent to the NRN participants in a separate email).

NUARI’s vision for racial equity includes: 

  • Identifying and changing cultural norms and policies that obstruct equity

  • Creating opportunities for the community to respond to racism and amplify equity

  • Creating spaces for respectful dialogue and conversations, such as the “Cops and Community” 3 - part series that’s underway 
 
Members will prioritize areas for improvement including, but not limited to, education, policing, housing and racial and ethnic makeup of Town Boards and Committees, and ultimately recommendations for policy changes will be made to the Select Board.


POLL RESULTS & UPDATES

We held two votes to determine the name of the Network – one online prior to the last meeting, and one during the last meeting (to include anyone who wasn’t able to vote online). Both votes yielded the same winner: the “Needham Resilience Network”. Other options included Needham Community Network (NCN–33%) and Together Needham (17%).

Keep your eyes peeled as the official NRN Website will launch this summer! Many thanks to NDI for hosting our site. 

Calendar and Event Sharing: One goal of the NRN is to offer a space and platform upon which local groups and organizations can learn about each other’s work, and when useful, amplify it. To that end, we are building a calendar into the website. If you or your group would like to share upcoming events/information, there are two ways you can do it: 

1) Send Jen the title, date and purpose of your event, along with a rationale about how it relates to NRN (it must be open to the public); and/or

2) Send us the information prior to a meeting–we will make flyers and circulate the memo through the listserve.


RESOURCES

Related to this meeting:




  • “Think Again,” by cognitive psychologist and advisor to Fortune 500 companies Adam Grant, shows why the most successful individuals and communities are able to think outside of their stances; the book is filled with strategies for letting go of lenses that are not serving us well and anchoring in flexibility and open-mindedness. 

  • “The Power of Us” by social psychologists Jay J. Van Bavel and Dominic J. Packer looks at the enormous power of group affiliations in shaping our identities, decisions, and agency.

  • “Dare to Lead” by Brene Brown, a professor, lecturer, author, and podcast host, best known for her research on effective listening, the connection between vulnerability and courage, and leadership. 

Resources Related to Current Events:



Onward!
Nichole Argo (NRN Co-Director) and Beth Pinals (NRN Co-Director)