No one would probably claim worrying as one of their hobbies, but nevertheless it does qualify as an activity many of us engage in with fervor and regularity.
What's going on...
Worrying is a common cognitive state we find ourselves in when we feel threatened. It's triggered by an attempt to problem solve actual or potential situations that have uncertain outcomes. These situations often have to do with failure, loss, illness or injury. Worry is left brained, verbal and focused on details.
When we are worrying, our brains make up fictions to explain uncertainties. "If she's not here yet, it's because she's caught in traffic." Reasonable explanation. 5 minutes pass. You text and she doesn't answer. If she doesn't call/text in the next 5 minutes it's because she's been in an accident." One of many possibilities, but heading down the negative path. We then start to fill in the gaps to support our worry. "Well, I did just see an ambulance drive by." The longer we go without accurate information, the longer our worry chain becomes. Most of the time, our concocted negative possibilities rarely happen. Your friend arrives and apologizes because she had to finish a call and couldn't let you know she was late.
We've all been there... the question is, why do we go there? Some of us are wired with an inborn tendency to worry. Most of us have had a few "worry" teachers in our life. Worry serves a purpose. When we're concerned, we care about what is happening and we want to act responsibly. We credit worry with keeping us safe and getting us motivated. We generate plan A,B,C & D... And when there is a real danger, worry can help us to problem solve.
Here's an interesting point. Worry has its own reward. When our dire prediction proves false, we feel relief. Relief reinforces worry. It gives us the illusion of control. Yet really, it's a magical belief that by worrying we can avert disaster.
Worry can also keep our minds busy so we avoid other negative feelings. The discomfort of worrying is preferable to the anger, sadness or other emotion we'd rather not recognize.
A note on the relationship between worry and anxiety
Both occur in the present and relate to the future, but anxiety is more right brain focused and has a physical component. Our sympathetic nervous system is turned on causing our breathing to quicken and become more shallow, our heart rate to increase and our muscles to tighten. We are ready to fight, run or freeze.
Concrete worry is specific, grounded in reality, temporary and doesn't impair function. But worrying can become a habitual, unproductive way to reduce anxiety. Excessive worry with rumination and catastrophic thinking are hallmarks of generalized anxiety and also linked to depression. This type of worry is longstanding and impairs function. If this is happening, seeking the help of a professional is advised.
Should I worry that I worry too much?
Worry in the short term that is focused on something concrete and results in problem solving and taking action is not a problem. But when worrying escalates to rumination - the habit of persistently revisiting the same situation over and over with no new answers or resolution - it can become problematic. Worry takes on a life of its own.
When worrying is jacked up, it can harm our wellbeing. It's hard to get stuff done when we're worrying. It impacts our efficiency, our sleep, the way we interrelate. Our self-confidence falters and overthinking can make decision making impossible. We may think we should worry until we find the perfect answer. The reality is that there is usually never a "perfect" solution. It's like running on a treadmill - you never actually get anywhere.
Cautionary note - be careful around fellow worriers - they can magnify and make your worrying worse.
"I'm just a worrywart"
Even if you do worry a lot, there are probably situations where you could benefit from not making nor'easters out of rainstorms. It can be helpful to add these concepts to your mindset:
- We can control how we think about things but not the external events themselves
- We can accept that the world is imperfect and therefore there are not perfect solutions
- We can live by probabilities rather than certainties
How to make some meaningful changes
Develop a Realistic Sense of Control
- Is this a problem I can solve?
- OR, do I need to change how I feel about the problem?
- If it's within your control, tackle the problem
- If it's out of your control, focus on changing your emotional state.
- Things that help: Movement, Meditation, Engaging in healthy coping strategies, Seeking help, Using accept & let go practices...
Tackle the Problem
These are adapted from The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Anxiety, by William J. Knaus, EdD.
Identify whether this a real or hypothetical concern
It can be really useful to implement a focus changing technique:
- Separate speculation from fact. We can make our worries sound really reasonable and then believe they must be true. Reality check your speculations with your evidence.
- Separate the possible from the probable. Estimate the probability 0-100 of your possibilities occurring. This can help prevent jumping to conclusions.
- Make a table with 2 columns. At the top of the table write what you're worrying about. In Column 1 write out everything that is out of your control about the situation (such as another person's behavior or opinion). In Column 2, write out everything that is in your control (such as your thoughts, how you act or don't act). At the bottom of each column, write down how you feel when you focus upon the aspects that are either out of your control or within it. This helps you to gain clarity about what you can do and where you want to exert your energy.
Problem-Solve
- Define the worry in a way that you can do something about it, "How do I prepare, How can I learn, What steps are possible..."
- Is there someone who can help me with my situation? This can provide support and guidance.
- Brainstorm options and think through the likely consequences of each. "What is most likely to happen if I do X?"
- Take a helpful action step, even if it's tiny. This will empower you and start to reduce the worry.
- Focus on one step at a time. Complete it and move to just the next step.
By practicing these strategies, you empower yourself with agency. When we have agency, we believe we are responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions. Having agency allows us to have more clarity, confidence and potential joy as we navigate our journey. With that kind of focus, we can worry a little less often with a less intensity and live more peacefully with ourselves.
