Your identity and conflicts are related
Self identity
Tell me a bit about yourself. The question causes all of us to search through multiple identities.
Parent? Spouse? Boomer? Immigrant?
We all self-identify. Some of these identities are obvious, based on something out of our control:
1980s baby, tall, Spanish speaker.
Others are based on our life choices:
teacher, soccer player, parent.
We all self identify and may have private identities that we only share with those who we hold close:
fearful, stoic, snorer.
As our lives move forward, our identities shift and change and we try our best to catch up
Public identity labels
Other people in our lives define us and ascribe identities to us that we accept or don't --or don't even know about:
Smart, great organizer, good neighbor
. Or not such nice identities:
silly, unappealing, not one of us
. Sally and Richard are best friends and do many things together. Often folks refer to each of them as husband or wife. People look, decide an identity and, without malice, label them as something other than they actually are.
The concept of
othering
is related to identity. This is when people set up an
us and them
binary. They turn a group of people, based on their identity, as the
other
. In a later posting we will focus on the concept of
othering
. For now let's just say, try hard not to do this. It's hurtful.
The conflict iceberg
The conflict iceberg gives us a good perspective on where the values are in relationship with any conflict. Richard is strongly attached to his identity as, let's say, a Martha's Vineyard resident (nope- not getting into the washashore, Islander, lifelong vineyarder question--not me). Something comes up that challenges this identity. If Richard strongly connects to this aspect of his identity, the conflict will be a stronger conflict for him. If Richard sees his Martha's Vineyard residency as a minor part of who he is, the conflict might be a small one, or maybe not even a conflict at all.
We can't see below the surface to see a clear picture of the other person's identity, in the section of the iceberg that is hidden. So we have to pay close attention and try to be aware of how other's see themselves and how their competing identities are playing out in the midst of a controversy. Sometimes people are surprised that they, themselves, are so attached to an aspect of their identities. That's why the rule is: the bigger the conflict, the slower you move. You have to study the other person and yourself and think about why the conflict has become so fraught. See
Slow your roll
