LOVE AND LOGIC
How You Communicate is More Important than What You Communicate
What’s more important? What we say—or how we say it?
Years ago, I visited a school that was thrilled with how well Love and Logic skills were working. Most of the teachers were happier, and so were their students.
However, one teacher continued to have problems with students. As I observed her in her classroom, I heard her say, “How sad,” when she provided consequences. I heard her use Enforceable Statements, such as, “I grade papers that I can read.” I even heard her give choices like, “Feel free to do this in pen or pencil. You decide.”
She used all the right words, but how she communicated was not truly Love and Logic because of the way she delivered those statements.
What percentage of the message we send is communicated in the words we use? Probably less than 10 percent! It’s how we say those words that’s important. That’s why the most important Love and Logic skill is:
Empathy!
Understanding why is simple. Consequences delivered with empathy create responsibility. Consequences delivered without empathy create resentment. The principle of always delivering consequences with empathy applies to teachers and parents alike.
So, we have a choice: Will we raise responsible kids or resentful ones?
Yes, understanding why empathy is the most important skill is simple. Empathy preserves the relationship and makes it very hard for our kids to blame us for their poor decisions.
Using sincere empathy on a consistent basis is the hard part! We’ve spent several decades working with people who’ve been successful with this. What do they have in common? They use just one empathetic statement, regardless of what consequence they must provide.
That’s right. They keep it simple!
They also pick one that fits their personality and culture. Some folks always precede consequences with, “That is so sad.” Others prefer, “Oh, man….” Some parents say, “What a bummer.” Others prefer, “Bless your heart.”
The teacher I observed in the classroom had the best of intentions. She was simply confused about Love and Logic and how it should be used, believing that it was designed to make kids behave and make kids be responsible.
Thanks for reading!
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