Dear Congregants,
I’m tired.
I’m exhausted and overwhelmed!
I’ve had enough.
When will there be relief? When will we be back to normal? Some semblance of stability?
I can’t do this anymore.
I can’t bear this load by myself - coronavirus, racial injustice, unemployment.
Did you see the Dow drop 1800 points today?
When will my kids sleep through the night so I can feel rested?
I’m alone. I’m stuck in fear. And there doesn’t seem to be a way out.
The only way out is to escape. To say F#$% it, i’m done being responsible because what good does that do anyway?!
I guess, I can relate to what Moses seems to be experiencing in this week’s
parsha
- bearing the burden of a nation on his heart the way a mother cares for her infant.
I’m used to seeing Moses as a larger than life figure. One who performs miracles at every turn. A leader of stature, faith and poise in the face of uncertainty and fear.
But in this moment he is showing his human side. No longer “a superhero” he wants out of his misery asking God to put an end to his suffering. He can’t do it alone! Why, God are you punishing me?! You were the one who put me in this position of power but it seems like no matter how many miracles I perform for this ungrateful nation, they just complain and complain and complain!!! Now they want meat? We’re in the desert, where the hell am I gonna get meat for these insatiable people?
I guess when there is a bottom, there is also a call for help. Like Moses, I know when I’m stuck in fear, it’s because I’m trying to do it all by myself. That I’m lacking a broader perspective and forgetting the support that is all around me. Support that just needs my consent, my asking, my willingness to be vulnerable and not act like the hero I wish I were.
The truth is, it’s not up to me, nor Moses, to fix anyone else. It’s not my job to rescue. My job is to heal my own brokenness. To experience and empathize with the pain of others without sacrificing my own dignity.
And that’s where God extends God’s hand in an invitation to relationship. God is saying, let me worry about this burden you are carrying. God tells Moses, “Is the hand of Adonai too small?” God is the one who comforts, who provides and heals. As my therapist said, “I don’t tell my God how big my problems are. I tell my problems how big my God is.”
From fear to faith. That is the work. That is where the healing lies. Then I can lean on the support of the able-bodied people around me and together we can continue to bend the arc of history ever so slightly towards justice.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Joseph
