Building Bridges by Resolving
Differences
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Negotiation Strategies
September 2018
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Resolving Disputes Without Resorting to Battle
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Dear Clients and Friends,
We all get into disputes at times whether personal, business or international. Many of us are not very good at getting ourselves out of them unscathed. They can quickly deteriorate into costly and lengthy lawsuits, and in the case of international disputes, they can ignite wars!
In this September '18 edition of Negotiation Strategies, I will explore the elements of a dispute beyond just the legal arguments, and I will suggest ways of using these elements to effectively and efficiently resolve differences without resorting to battle.
For your reading convenience, this column is also summarized in the
Lessons Learned
bullet points at the bottom of the page.
With Best Wishes
Raphael Lapin
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Resolving Disputes Without Resorting to Battle
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When a dispute arose in times gone by, the disputants agreed to fight a duel to settle the score, or perhaps more accurately, to eliminate a disputant (rather a resourceful way of resolving a dispute!). These duels did not involve any conversation, discussion or legal polemics, but were purely based on a match of marksmanship where the better shooter won.
Today we have advanced somewhat by settling these scores in the battle of the courtroom. Although not usually as lethal as the duel, it certainly is still very costly and ineffective for the most part. Moreover, the disputants live another day to file an appeal (a problem which the duel addressed quite well!).
A shortcoming of resolving disputes through litigation, although necessary at times to be sure, is that it only resolves the issues on the mono-dimensional level of legal principles and doctrines.
Disputes, however, are seldom only about the legal strengths and weaknesses, or winner and loser. There are multi-dimensions to a dispute below the surface, which are neglected and remain unresolved in most litigated cases. This means that in litigation, the symptoms of the dispute may be band-aided, but the underlying dynamics are most likely exacerbated. Hence the high rate of appeal.
These below-the-surface dimensions of a dispute can be broadly distilled into three elements: narratives; emotions; and attributions.
In this column, I will explore these elements and suggest ways of putting them to use in resolving differences without resorting to battle.
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In working with disputants in mediation, I am always struck by how each party relates the “What got us to this point” story so vastly differently from one another. Each party sees the other as the problem and frames their own narrative to support their view. This is because people give meaning and context to their experiences based on their cognitive biases and individual life viewpoints. People absorb information; they interpret that information; they then draw their own unique conclusions based on their individual interpretations.
Typically, when faced with a narrative different to our own, rather than to be curious about how the other party sees the world, we tend to write it off as irrational and crazy. This usually feeds the dispute more than it fixes it.
Rather than insisting that your narrative is “right” and casting them off as irrational, adopt a more constructive approach and a mindset of curiosity to better understand the story from their perspective. This does not mean agreeing with their narrative or abandoning yours, but being able to understand and embrace both at the same time.
Explore each other’s stories instead of attacking theirs and defending yours.
In preparation for this kind of conversation, ask yourself: “If I were in their shoes, how might I see
their
story as making sense?” and: “What kind of information might I be missing that would allow me to acknowledge and validate (without necessarily agreeing to) the way that they see their world?”
This will stimulate a constructive curiosity and open your mind as you engage the other party in a productive dialogue. Frequently, when engaging is this kind of conversation, one learns new information that can potentially unlock the dispute.
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A further element below the surface of every dispute and obstructing problem-solving are the emotions of the disputants.
Emotions prevent the disputants from focusing on the issues that are really important to them and divert them from rigorously searching for mutually satisfying resolutions. Courts do not address this very human element that lies at the core of every dispute, and therefore only offer a palliative remedy in the name of justice, without ever truly resolving the dispute.
Dealing with the emotions of our counterparts and redirecting them towards a more productive process, requires a two-pronged approach.
The first prong is to acknowledge and allow them to express their frustration, and when this has been adequately accomplished, the second prong is to redirect them to focus on their true deeper needs.
To allow them to express their emotions and give voice to their frustrations, first observe and validate their emotions, and then ask questions out of a genuine curiosity to better understand. You might say for example: “I see that you are very upset right now, and I would like to better understand what it is specifically that’s causing you to feel that way? Would you be willing to share more?”
When sufficient legitimacy has been given to their feelings, you are ready to redirect them and to shift their attention back to their true underlying needs. You can achieve this through further well-crafted questioning. You can ask: “What would your world need to look like right now for us to be able to proceed constructively?” or “What would you need to see happen right now?” Another good question to ask is: “What might help put this behind us?”
By using this approach, you will have successfully navigated the emotional minefield while keeping negotiations on a productive track.
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When embroiled in a dispute, we typically have difficulty untangling intent from impact. If the impact of the other party’s actions affects us negatively, we attribute their intent as being to hurt or upset us. (This also fuels the narrative and emotions elements of the dispute).
For example, if we are kept waiting for another party to arrive at a meeting due to what we perceive as tardiness, the impact is that we feel upset that our time is being wasted. We also assume that their intent is to let us know plainly that we and our time are not very important to them. When they do arrive, we are so upset at them that we attack them with: “What is it that makes you think that your time is more important than mine?!” This of course will put them immediately on the defensive which will only fuel and escalate the dispute further.
When working to resolve a dispute, think about their actions, the impact those actions had on you, and your assumptions about their intentions.
Ask yourself: “What did the other person actually say or do? How did that impact me?” and: “Based on this impact, what assumption am I making about the other person’s intentions?”
This will help you to separate impact from intent in your own mind and prepare you for a productive dialogue with the other side. Then, when engaged in dialogue, share the impact that their actions had on you and inquire about what their true intentions were, as you keep an open mind and an attitude of constructive curiosity.
By attending to these three elements of a dispute: narratives; emotions; and attribution; understanding will occur, information will develop and durable solutions will result.
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- A shortcoming of resolving disputes through litigation is that it only resolves the issues on the mono-dimensional level of legal principles and doctrines.
- There are multi-dimensions to a dispute below the surface, which are neglected and remain unresolved in most litigated cases.
- These below-the-surface dimensions of a dispute can be broadly distilled into three elements: narratives; emotions; and attributions.
- When faced with a narrative different to our own we tend to write it off as irrational and crazy.
- Rather than insisting that your narrative is “right” adopt a more constructive approach and a mindset of curiosity to better understand the story from their perspective.
- Emotions prevent the disputants from focusing on the issues that are really important to them and divert them from rigorously searching for mutually satisfying resolutions.
- In dealing with emotions, first acknowledge and allow them to express their frustration, and then redirect them to focus on their true deeper needs.
- In a dispute, we typically have difficulty untangling intent from impact.
- When working to resolve a dispute, think about their actions, the impact those actions had on you, and your assumptions about their intentions.
- By attending to these three elements of a dispute: narratives; emotions; and attribution; understanding will occur, information will develop and durable solutions will result.
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Lapin Negotiation Services offers training, consulting, advising and executive coaching in negotiation, business diplomacy and dispute resolution services.
Our proprietary and aggressively results oriented services are designed to help your leadership, teams and individuals master the essential negotiation, relationship-building and conflict management skills that increase revenues, decrease the high cost of conflict and build strong working relationships.
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Learn more about Raphael Lapin's book, "Working with Difficult People" by clicking on the image above
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Our Skilled Specialists will:
- Help your organization build a highly effective negotiation competency and culture which translates into increased revenue and strong business relationships.
- Train and prepare your sales teams using our propriety "Investigative Selling" approach.
- Provide advice, strategy, guidance and representation in live negotiation challenges
- Facilitate, mediate and advise in dispute resolution.
- Create a culture of collaboration by guiding, facilitating and training teams and divisions to engage in dialogue, to negotiate and to partner.
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10940 Wilshire Blvd, Suite 1600
Los Angeles, CA 90024
888-964-8884
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