Dear Parents and Friends of St. Michael’s School
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,”
is a familiar phrase from our childhood. We know that hurtful words can oftentimes linger far longer than a physical injury, and a continual barrage of degrading and demeaning put-downs can result in long-term psychological trauma. However, in most situations, I believe our children need to develop a little more resilience in certain situations, learn to find their voice, and harness the power of positive friendships.
Stephen Covey, author of
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
popularized the idea that,
“
In the space between stimulus (what happens) and how we respond, lies our freedom to choose. Ultimately, this power to choose is what defines us as human beings. We may have limited choices but we can always choose. We can choose our thoughts, emotions, moods, our words, our actions; we can choose our values and live by principles. It is the choice of acting or being acted upon.”
That is, of course, easier said than done, but we should model this behavior to our children to help them focus on the positive, and possibly promote change, rather than dwell on the negative. For example, when someone says something to us that is unkind, the natural tendency is to let our feelings get hurt. Oftentimes we don’t just “feel sorry for ourselves” for a few minutes – this sadness can last many hours or longer. A better response is to let the person know, in a kind way, that what they said was hurtful OR, let it go, realizing that that person may be having a bad day. Whenever someone hurts my feelings, I usually try to think about times when I have said or done something that was hurtful to someone else, and I think about how they must have felt - that usually snaps me out of my melancholy pretty quickly. Recall the scripture passage from Matthew 7:3-4,
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?
Helping our children understand that they are in control of their responses in every situation is an important life-long tool to develop. They can either choose to be offended and let sadness seep in; or pause (that moment between stimulus and response where the choice is made), reflect, and take a more productive track. We also need to remind our children that everyone makes mistakes, and we are called on to not only be forgiving (yes, that’s hard), but also to try to help others grow in their faith journey as well.
Of course, in situations where the offense is more serious (bullying or threats), finding their voice to say “NO!” and getting help from friends or adults is necessary. I will address this topic in more detail in a future post.
