I didn't know that I was hiding. I've always been good at praying.
Or so I thought.
My daddy left when I was seven. I've always looked to God as my Father, my provider. I didn't realize God wanted to be more than just my provider.
God longed to be my soul's confidante. Deep where I felt lonely - where I struggled to receive and make space for me - God wanted me to rest as His beloved.
Because at the end of the day, even though I had accomplished a lot, I didn't feel like I had fully lived. Because what I really wanted, I didn't make space for: peace and joy. I did not nurture my soul with God.
I
found it easier to take care of others and get things done for God, rather than be vulnerable with my needs.
But God showed me prayer is an intimate soul conversation to be loved and known, rather than a spiritual transaction to be made better.
Praying touches the part of me that is in process, uncertain, full of questions and doubts.
That is why praying is hard to do. And when I didn't know how to pray, it made me feel ashamed...