Resilience: 15 ways to weather life’s challenges
By Carolyn Jones, May 14, 2020
Sometimes life isn’t quite the nonstop party we thought it would be. There’s sickness and grief, unexpected tragedies and our own frailties. Not to mention the day-in, day-out malaise that occasionally strikes us all. These days, that malaise is as common as grocery lines and overdue bills.
But persevere, we must. After all, the world keeps spinning whether we’re up for it or not. Fortunately, there are many easy — and free — steps to help us navigate life’s downturns. Some of these tips are common sense, some are innovative paths to self-awareness, and all are good reminders for everyone trying to avoid despair in these dark times.
The good news, according to mental health professionals, is that personal resilience — the ability to bounce back after a hardship — is possible for everyone. It’s not something certain people have a knack for and others don’t.
“Resilience is not fixed. It’s like a muscle, you can work at it and become better at it,” says Rachel Thomas, chief executive of the Sheryl Sandberg & Dave Goldberg Family Foundation, which promotes mental wellness to help people overcome adversity. Sheryl Sandberg, chief operating officer of Facebook, has written extensively on the topic since her husband died unexpectedly at age 47 in 2015.
“Especially now, people are facing a lot of stress and unknowns. A lot of us can get hung up by it,” Thomas says. “But there are things you can build into your day, and work at, to help you get through to the other side.”
Dr. Urmi Patel, a clinical psychologist and director of clinical care for Sutter Mental Health and Addiction Care, defines resilience as “the ability to cope mentally and emotionally with trauma or difficulty, and quickly get back to a state of equilibrium.”
“In general, people have the ability to grow their resilience. It’s not an innate capability, it can develop,” she says. “Even for people who experience trauma as children, it’s amazing how much resilience they actually have.
15 steps for weathering life’s challenges
•
Practice self-compassion
. Take a step back and be kind to yourself. If you’re upset about something, remind yourself that it will be short-lived and you’ll get through it.
•
Practice self-knowledge
. Recognize the strength you’ve demonstrated previously in getting through difficult situations, and acknowledge that you’ve had the strength to get to the other side.
•
When you do get upset, learn how to manage your impulses and reactions
. “We as humans have emotions. That’s normal,” Patel says. “We can embrace our feelings but learn to manage our reactions.”
•
Exercise, take deep breaths, get outside and talk to friends and family
.
•
Think about what you really value, and do things that align with those values
. For example, if close relationships with family and friends mean a lot to you, maybe social media is not the best way to find that. Instead of sending a text message, call/pick up the phone or video chat. “To really demonstrate compassion and authenticity to another human being, we need to be with people face to face,” Patel said.
•
Do a reality check
. Much of our stress is related to worrying about the future, which these days is highly uncertain. “We aren’t able to predict the future, so just plan out the next day or two, or even just the next few hours.”
•
If you’re working at home, take steps to break up the day.
Create transitions from work to home life, even if it just means changing from work attire into sweats. Create a routine, and do things you’d ordinarily do — shower, have lunch at a certain time, even sit in your car if it helps provide a sense of normalcy.
•
Find meaningful engagement
. Make a list of people you want to see. Set up virtual dates and talk about subjects other than Covid-19 and the future. Meet with your book group virtually, watch favorite TV shows with friends, connect with old pals.
•
Limit your news intake and be wary about where you’re getting your information.
Stick with trusted news outlets or the Centers for Disease Control.
•
Relish moments of joy throughout the day, and create them when you can
. They can be minor, but take time to appreciate them when they arise.
•
Keep a journal, and every day reflect on something you did to overcome a difficulty.
“Celebrate your own resilience,” Thomas said. “Pat yourself on the back a little. … It’s so easy to get overwhelmed and feel sucked under. But with a little self-discipline, we can rewire the way we think about our own resilience.”
•
Reach out to old friends.
“That’s one silver lining from all of this. People are really up for reconnecting,” Thomas said. “Using this as a moment to rekindle relationships can be very powerful.”
•
Celebrate small wins
. “Right-sizing what a ‘win’ looks like is a great idea,” Thomas said. “In tough times, you don’t have to hold yourself to the same bar.”
•
Think in terms of “post-traumatic growth.”
Those who’ve endured trauma often say they learned to be more grateful, deepened their relationships with friends and family, and learned to focus on parts of their life that are going well. “You never want to go through trauma, but there can be some silver linings,” Thomas said.
•
Try to avoid the three P’s:
Personalization
: the belief that whatever has gone wrong is your fault.
Pervasiveness
: thinking that when something goes wrong in one avenue of your life, everything else in your life is ruined, as well.
Permanence
: believing that bad times and negative feelings will never go away. “We need to remember that just because we may feel awful today, we won’t always feel awful. This is just a moment in time,” Thomas said.
