More than 20 years helping parents and families living with the loss of a child
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COPE Newsletter
June 2020
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The Next Level of Healing is Helping
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In this Newsletter:
President's Message
Parent Columns
Healing Tip of the Month
COPE's Camp Erin
®
NYC
Calendar of Events
June Birthdays and Passings
COPE Supporters
2019 Annual Report
Quick Links:
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President's Message
from Sandra R. Wolkoff, PhD., LCSW-R
It is three months into this new COVID-19 world. Is it still possible to be optimistic? A pandemic of biblical proportions? An economic crisis that harkens back to the Great Depression 90 years ago? A political crisis that leaves my head spinning?
There is a type of behavior called “catastrophic thinking.” You know, in the old days when you were stuck in traffic, and you had very little gas in the car, and the movie was starting in 30 minutes? The person in the car who kept on saying, “We are going to run out of gas, we’ll never make it to the show, we won’t find parking, this traffic jam is awful and we can’t get off the highway!”; that one is the catastrophic thinker--the one with cascading thoughts of all the things that they were sure would go wrong. I am not I know how to be optimistic now, but the alternative will make me crazy. If I can’t be cheerful and sunny, maybe I can be hopeful.
To read the full President's Message click
here
.
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In memory of my son Evan
I lost my 3 week old son Evan on July 11, 2017. Evan was born on June 15, 2017. I have never felt pain like I felt the day he left me. Me and Evan’s father remain together. It is the toughest road to walk, but we walked together (as much as we could). Everyone that has lost a child knows how difficult it is to hold your hand out to your loved ones. My most cherished family members felt like strangers to me. It’s impossible to ask for help, because we don’t even know what will help or what will make it worse. We don’t know until we encounter something that soothes us or upsets us. And even at that, something that eases your pain one day, will not ease you next time. Something that upsets you this time, you will just brush off later. The only thing that has been a constant is my sadness that my son is not here.
It upsets me that people cringe when they say his name, because they don’t want to upset me. I always want to hear his name. Someone remembering him is like music to my ears. I loved him so much that I don’t want him to ever be forgotten. He is part of my soul. To forget him is like never really understanding who I am. Trying to forget him is like trying to make me something that I am not. I am Evan’s mother. Just because we can’t see him doesn’t mean that I don’t walk around with him in my arms everyday, all day. I will until the day I die.
If I can offer any advice, it would be to try to be gentle with yourself and as difficult as it will be, be gentle with your loved ones. Try not to put your pain above your loved ones. Unfortunately a grieving parent has to be stronger than they ever have been in their life. I know that it doesn’t feel like you can be strong, but you can. Be strong for your child. I hate to think that there would be any negative thoughts connected to Evan. I try to be the mother that Evan would’ve been proud of. I know he’s not here, but he still sees me. I will try to live the rest of my life for him.
I am Evan’s mother.
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From Diane Scarabino
Aside from perpetual heartbreak, time has always been a difficult concept for me to grasp. Our precious daughter Jaclyn left earth July 13, 2012 at 24 years old, too young, too soon. It still feels as though she is away on a trip. How can I have gone almost 8 years without hearing my daughter’s voice? Jaclyn’s bedroom has remained the same. Six months ago, my husband and I reflected on our Coca-Cola collection (it’s been tucked away in the basement) and how Jaclyn loved it! We decided on a plan that took months of debating. As I’m sure you understand, changes to all of our children’s things is an extremely personal choice we are all entitled to. So we started. We moved her hutch into a smaller unoccupied bedroom that had a wall of shelves to hold all of Jaclyn’s dear treasures. Our first step in the “Coke Guest Room” was to paint…mixed tears as we worked in silence. We questioned our decision. This was terribly hard. For three months we progressed, all the while knowing in our hearts that Jaclyn would be pleased. I wish I could share photos. The new Coke Guest room is a fun place where Jaclyn’s spirit remains, family & visitors can enjoy a “Coke machine soda” as Jaclyn would call it. Meanwhile, the new “Jaclyn Sitting Room” is place to read, meditate and view all her mementos: Barbie collection, her prized paintball gun, tennis trophies, cell phone, HS year book, dream catcher, pictures of her family, boyfriend’s gifts, her make-up case, jewelry, her pillow, I could go on.
My point for sharing this goes back to the surreal word…time. The ‘worst day’ will always feel like yesterday. Sitting in her new room with her things will always feel like the present. Seeing her again will always be in the future. And to include, what is the right time if ever to make changes? Our son told us: “No matter when you decide to make a change, it will always be difficult”, very astute words for a young man.
I have come to a place where I know for certain that Jaclyn is in my heart and my mind. Jaclyn’s material things are an added gift. If our home burned to the ground, all destroyed, heaven forbid, Jaclyn would still be here inside of me. I have found it’s okay to be happy alongside my grief and I have found peace. My best wishes and hugs for you all.
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As we continue to socially distance the need for interaction becomes more and more apparent. As humans, we are not meant isolate ourselves for long periods of time. COPE understands the importance of just being together so we have decided to partner with different professionals who have a wide variety of skills and talents. Be sure to check your emails for invitations to Wine on Wednesday’s, Zumba, Koru Meditation, Yoga and so much more.
If you or anyone you know would like to share something special to help keep the COPE community connected please don’t hesitate to email me at
michelle@copefoundation.org
. Together, we can make this difficult time one of resilience, compassion and unity.
--
Michelle Graff, LCSW
Clinical Director, COPE Foundation
To read more of Michelle's Healing Tips of the Month click
here.
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COPE'S CAMP ERIN® NYC
Thoughts from our Camp Director Ann Fuchs
Happy June!
The picture looks a little different this summer, so now is the time to let loose all those creative juices! Please keep in mind safety and distance! Maybe a new skill, project or adventure? Embrace the time and think of it as, hopefully, a once in a life time experience embracing the time as opposed to being focused on being confined or limited.
To read more from Ann click
here
.
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COPE partners with Eluna to offer Camp Erin NYC, a FREE, weekend long grief support camp designed to help children and teenagers ages 6 – 17, who have experienced the death of a parent, sibling or someone close to them.
For information on Camp Erin NYC click
here
.
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CALENDAR OF EVENTS
Click
here
for a full calendar of COPE events
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JUNE BIRTHDAYS & PASSINGS
Please click here
to help us honor and remember the June birthdays and passings of loved ones who were taken from us before their time (go to the section titled June 2020).
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COPE SUPPORTERS
We thank our generous supporters for making donations during the month of May 2020.
Please click here
to view donations, including those made in honor and memory of loved ones (go to the section titled May 2020).
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COPE'S 2019 ANNUAL REPORT
Due to the COVID-19 pandemic and its ripple effects, 2019 now seems like ages ago - but it's actually been only six months. As we reflect on last year - COPE's 20th supporting parents and families living with the loss of a child - I'm proud and honored to thank all of you in the COPE community who have helped us along the way.
To our staff, volunteers, board members and especially our valued donors - its your support that makes our work possible and sustainable.
Of course, feel free to
drop us a line
with your feedback and comments.
Thank you now and always.
Adam Rabinovitch
Executive Director
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COPE Foundation
PO Box 1251
Melville, New York 11747
516-832-2673
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