To the Community of Saint Paul’s Church,
It is clear that we are all feeling a variety of emotions as days now turn into weeks with no immediate end in sight. The feelings range from loneliness, fear, anger, helplessness, and even hopelessness.
I found an article in the Harvard Business Review that was helpful in naming what it is that I am feeling right now. The article by Scott Berinato shares an interview with David Kessler, the worlds foremost expert on grief. Kessler co-wrote with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss.
Let me share what I believe are some important things for us to acknowledge right now. What we are feeling is indeed grief. The world has changed. On the one hand we know it is temporary, but it certainly doesn’t feel that way. We are experiencing the loss of all that is normal, above all the loss of physical community.
Kessler goes on to say that we are feeling different kinds of grief. There is anticipatory grief, that the future is uncertain. We, in this type of grieving, feel like a storm is coming, there is something bad out there. We know on the one hand that there is something out there, but we can’t see it. This breaks our feeling of safety. Here we are grieving on a micro and a macro level.
The way we approach this, is first and foremost, acknowledging and understanding the stages of grief, and to know that these are not linear and can happen in a different order. First, which I believe many of us have felt, is denial:
the virus won’t affect us.
Next is anger:
Why do I have to stay home; you’re taking away my freedom to do what I want.
Next there is sadness:
I don’t know when this will end; the world as I want it to be is gone.
Finally there is acceptance:
Okay, this is happening; I need to figure out how to move forward.
It is only in accepting the reality of our “now” that we begin to find some sort of control.
I can wash my hands. I can keep a safe distance. I can learn new technology. I can find the community I miss through phone call, note writing, by reaching out to others.
It is also our nature to imagine the the worst:
Will things ever be the way they were?
We need to respond to this by forcing ourselves to come into the present, to the here and now. Focus on what surrounds you. At this moment you are okay. Breathe. Let go of what you can’t control.
Finally, Kessler says, we must stock up on compassion. We all deal with grief in different ways. Some may be more demanding. Others short tempered and still others sad and distant. Be patient.
Where we find ourselves is a temporary state. History tells us that. It is time for us to overprotect not overreact. By acknowledging this and accepting where we find ourselves, we can find meaning. We can use our phones for long conversations. We can appreciate time take a walk or simply look out the window at a beautiful day. We can give thanks for those who surround us. We can find meaning now, that will last long after this is over.
For me, acknowledging my grief is acknowledging that a type of death has occurred. The death of so much that seems normal, the freedom to be with those I care about, not connected in some physical way. But I also know that at the very heart of our faith in the risen Jesus is simply that. He is risen and in that we too are raised. Death no longer has power over us.
So, accepting where we are, the feelings that are so very real, we can remember the words of the Burial Office, “yet even at the grave we make our song; Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia.”
Again, I offer a prayer for all of us:
Gracious and loving God, giver of life and hope: Deal graciously, we pray, with all of us who are grieving at this time of uncertainty, that casting all our cares on you, we may know and feel the consolation of your love; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who is with us now and forever.
Amen.
