As hard as it is for a Type A person like me to admit - sometimes things are simply outside my control. The feeling of helplessness and stress one gets from being controlled by externals can be extreme.
Though we may not be able to change the circumstances, we can take back control by learning how to consciously change our internal thoughts when confronted by external challenges. We can shift our thought defaults from crippling paralyzers to ones that serve us. Inspirational author, the late Louise Hay, said "You are the only thinker in your own mind." We can choose where to put our mental focus. We can then choose our reaction. That is entirely in our control.
4 STEPS TO TAKING BACK CONTROL WHEN YOU HAVE NO CONTROL
1/ ACKNOWLEDGE AND ALLOW
It's perfectly okay to feel upset, anxious, angry, fearful or a host of other conflicting emotions when your feelings of control have been stripped away by external factors. Those emotions might be alarming to those of you who prefer to be most often "in control" (yup, that's me too!), yet take heart in knowing that they are normal reactions. Denying your feelings only makes them stronger. There is a difference between denial and transcendence.
This is the time to objectively call the situation out - it IS happening, and you are upset. Allow yourself to sit with those feelings as long as you need to, knowing though that while you are deep in emotion it will be more difficult to move forward mentally. When you are ready to let go of the paralyzing part of the emotion, move on to Step 2.
2/ ACCEPT
When you are ready to think differently and move forward - start first with acceptance of the situation. Acceptance does not mean approval. When I say accept, I am talking about a neutral acknowledgement of the situation, not approval or happiness with the situation. To move forward, we must release the emotional hold that the disappointing, maddening or frustrating conditions have on us. When we let go of the negative external forces that are filling our heads, we open creative space in our minds.
Example #1: "I accept the fact that the Coronavirus health crisis has prompted several clients to cancel their in-person group work with me. I am not happy about it, but I accept the fact that cancelling was a necessary thing to do." I let my attachment to the anxiety and panic of the impending income loss go and am now freed up to move to Step 3 and creatively think of solutions.
Example #2 - To use a less dramatic daily example: You are stuck in a traffic jam and are going to be late for your appointment. You sit and fume and curse and feel your blood pressure rising. When you accept the facts: "Yes, the traffic is at a standstill and yes, I will be late for my appointment", you feel the release that simple acceptance gives and mentally can think new thoughts.
3/ REFOCUS TO THE STATE YOU WANT
What now? You have acknowledged your feelings, accepted the external situation and freed up some mental bandwidth. Now it's time to refocus with new thoughts that will serve your life in a more generative way. If
you refocus your mind to what you want, your brain will start working on the solution or possibilities to get to that desired state.
Let's take the example above:
Example #1: No, I can't change the Coronavirus health crisis and the resulting loss of income. However, if I flip my mental focus to what I want, my mind instantly starts to work on that desired state. "Yes, I realize I will have to be creative to figure out a financial plan to get me through. What could I do online perhaps?" Possibilities start to open.
Example #2: Once you accept and release the frustration at being late for your appointment, your mind is once again free to think of other, more positive things. Your stress levels go down and you instantly feel better.
4/ SUPPORT YOUR NEW MENTAL STATE
You have now acknowledged your feelings, accepted the situation from a factual perspective and refocused yourself mentally to the state of mind you want. You have taken control. What will be important at this juncture is to continue to find ways support your more generative mental state and keep you in the mental driver's seat. I list 10 of my top strategies below to support your thinking.
2/ Do a Take-Back-Control-Once-a-Day Project - Find something you can take control of fully that has a beginning, middle and end. (E.g./ today I spent 30 minutes with a Q-tip cleaning my computer keyboard. It felt great!) Maybe it's a project to repot a plant, clean your junk drawer, or delete your old emails.
3/ Get outside and walk
5/ Walk a dog/ or play with your cat
6/ Limit your intake of Social Media and News:Yes, keep informed; No-don't over-saturate
7/ Remove yourself from conversations that are making you feel worse or more anxious
8/ Listen to an inspiring podcast or read an inspiring book
9/ Lighten up with some old comedy sitcoms like Carol Burnett, Mary Tyler Moore, Friends etc.
10/ Enroll your friends/family in brainstorming more support ideas!
THE OVERTONE EFFECT
