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No More Good/Bad Binary
Right • Wrong
Wonderful • Despicable
Angelic • Devilish
Acceptable • Unacceptable
Right • Wrong
We've been taught to think of most things in terms of the binary. Meaning two. The unity of opposites. Ever heard these sayings, 'Two kinds of people in the world,' or 'There's a right way and a wrong way,' or 'Its not complicated, its either good or its bad.' We've all heard these ideas. Let's look at them a bit more closely and see what their effect is on our daily life and its inevitable conflicts.
This is not about opinion. You've got an opinion and want to call something good or bad , like 'beets are sooo good!' or 'no way, I can't stand collared shirts,' that's not what this is about. This point is about having inflexible, rigid and hardened judgemental thinking that divides things into the good and bad categories with a double line between.
Conflict and the good/bad binary
I've been doing conflict resolution and mediation for most of my adult life. And I'm not young. Fairly often I work with people who are operating with an unexamined belief in dividing human behavior into the good/bad piles. And they can't get themselves to move past that thinking to look at the actual, multidimensional person in front of them.
A homeowner has a renter who is behind on the rent. "I was always taught you should pay your debts." says the homeowner. The renter has had difficulties. Some of those problems might have been self inflicted. "I saw wine bottles in the trash. He can afford wine but can't pay the rent." The renter would like some time, would like to explain, is sorry. The homeowner ,in his good/bad system of thinking, can't move from his spot to expand his thought process and to consider working things out.
Somewhere in the "I was taught.." part of the dialogue is a belief that the speaker is good and the other person, in this case the renter, is bad. As a mediator it is hard to work with a person like this, because somehow throughout their life this person has developed a very binary way of thinking.
Conflict resolution--put the good/bad away for a while
If you've got a conflict, be aware of the looming good/bad shadow. Turn the lights on so this shadow doesn't impact your ability to see the whole picture. The thing is. everyone is good and bad and everything else at the same time. Its not two sides of a two dimensional coin. Try to push your judgement of the other person as 'bad' out of the way. Try to look at the complexity, and multi layered parts that are woven into the conflict. And if you find yourself judging; well then push past the binary. It sounds like this: "I was always taught you should pay your debts, but I don't always manage to do everything I was taught and I've made mistakes before. I'd like to know more about what happened and understand a little better."
If you want to perpetuate conflicts, then stick with the good/bad method. You can be sure to have lots of conflicts that way. If, however, you'd like to get better at resolving conflicts, consider abandoning the good/bad thinking. Open up a new door to the fascinating way of looking with an open mind toward others, without judgement and with interest in the complexity and unexpectedness of our fellow humans.
Do this:
- No links or videos today, below are all the previous Working From Home topics. Feel free to share or revisit.
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f you missed Day 1 through 25 here they are:
Have a great weekend. Thank your local farmer, the trash collector, Steamship workers and others who are in public service. And all the health care workers. Back on Monday.
I'm taking a staycation without the internet, phone or cable (well I think I might break down and watch netflix). No news all weekend! This is my gift to myself. Give yourself a gift, you deserve it.
Sara
