II. Blog Articles and Podcast Recordings |
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IV. Virtual Seminars on July 17, 2021* |
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The Men's Group Seminar: Why We Are Misunderstood
A common issue among many of my clients is the rather frustrating experience of being misunderstood. This encompasses a gamut of situations ranging from nonverbal miscues, having statements or actions misinterpreted, problematic first impressions, and being projected upon in ways that ultimately result in exaggeration or distortion. Heidi Grant Halvorson, a researcher who investigates social perception, opens her talk “Why No One Understands You (And What to Do About It)” with the assertion that “You are a lot harder to understand than you think you are.” In her fascinating book, No One Understands You and What To Do About It, Halvorson attempts to make sense of the phenomenon of being misunderstood. She discusses scientific evidence indicating that the ways we perceive ourselves (and the impressions we think we are making) are often significantly different from how we are actually perceived. The transparency illusion, as described in an article from The Atlantic on Halvorson’s work, suggests that people often assume they come across as an “open book” and, consequently, may not exert effort toward offering a clear, unambiguous communication to another party. Not only do we assume that people “read” us more accurately than they do, but how we are perceived and interpreted by others is often flawed. Interpretive errors are especially rampant in the nonverbal realm (i.e., drawing meaning from facial gestures and body language), as people are prone to adopting numerous shortcuts (“heuristics”) in social perception that may result in significant errors. Learning how to access and identify people’s “filters” (i.e., how they perceive the world, in general, and you, in particular) is an important competency that communications experts highlight. Interestingly enough, awareness of how we are viewed and interpreted by others was a primary goal of psychotherapy defined by Freud nearly 100 years ago. In the next virtual meeting of the Men's Group Seminar on Saturday, July 17, 2021 (10:15 to 11:30 AM), we will explore the dynamics of being misunderstood. In our discussion, we will consider intriguing components of social perception including “dark spots” and communication difficulties linked to “mixed signals.”
To register for this upcoming virtual seminar, please see the directions below.
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The Relationship Group Seminar: A Critique of the Love Languages
Introduced in Gary Chapman’s 1992 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, this novel perspective on communication and empathic connection in couples had widespread appeal. Even now, over 28 years later, when couples contact me for marital therapy, they often describe their problems and conflicts in terms of how their love languages are not being recognized nor acknowledged. Although helpful, the concept of love languages has had numerous unintended consequences, with the model often being misunderstood, exaggerated, and, at times, grossly distorted. A contributor to Psychology Today argues that a “misconception about love language is that they're about how a person expresses love. While you can certainly think about them in that way, Chapman goes to pains in his book to stress that they're about the way a person feels loved.” Similarly, Ashley Fetters observes in The Atlantic, “This self-focused way of discussing love languages is very different from what the concept’s inventor seems to have intended. As the idea has grown ever more ingrained in the popular consciousness (and ever more disconnected from the text that introduced it), Chapman’s consistent urging toward learning other people’s love languages and modifying one’s own behavior accordingly has been de-emphasized. In its place has emerged a notion that the point of knowing your love language is to find a partner with the same one, or to request that others learn to ‘speak’ it.” Fetters discusses additional concerns of relational experts that include partners not necessarily having only one love language or even a primary love language, as well as the need for healthy relationships to draw from all the love languages. Therapist Linda Carroll, M.S., LMFT outlines 6 problems with the love-languages model; among these are the risk of couples using the model for “scorekeeping” and the assumption that attending to love languages is the “fix” for deeper, more problematic interpersonal dynamics. Scientific data on the degree to which love languages help couples are mixed, though more recent trends indicate that, among couples who are contented and happy, partners adjust and align to the love-language styles of each other. In the next virtual meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, July 17, 2021 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will revisit the love languages and consider their merits and limitations.
To register for this upcoming virtual seminar, please see the directions below.
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The Dynamic Psychotherapy Process Group
This therapy group utilizes the emerging dynamics among group members, and between the group members and facilitator, as a basis from which to examine one's characteristic ways of thinking, feeling, and relating to others. Our next virtual group session will be held on Saturday, July 17, 2021 (1:15 to 2:30 PM). The Dynamic Psychotherapy Process Group is a therapeutic experience and entry occurs only after a pre-group screening interview.
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* Registration Directions: If you would like to attend the virtual meeting of the Men's Group Seminar and/or the Relationship Group Seminar on July 17, 2021, please RSVP to me at 949-338-4388 or jt@jamestobinphd.com on or before Thursday, July 15, 2021. The fee is $25.00 (payable before entering the virtual meeting) and informed consent for participation in these telehealth events must be completed prior to the seminars. Please note that the Men's Group Seminar and the Relationship Group Seminar are psychoeducational in nature, not therapeutic, and do not constitute psychotherapy or counseling.
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