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June 2021 E-News
Father's Day
"What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose.
All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”
Greetings!

In this Father’s Day edition of our E-news, you will hear both grief and gratitude. Live long enough, and our important relationships bring both. In Becca’s piece below, you can read about the gratitude she has for her toddler son and the grief she feels over her father’s recent passing. For me it is the opposite—still immense sadness over my son’s death and gratitude for my father as he approaches his 95th birthday. 

The other day in our staff meeting we were discussing our two losses (Isn’t that what everyone does in their staff meetings?) and we both had similar questions: Where are our loved ones? Where do they go when they die? This is a big question that remains intellectual and hypothetical until you lose someone you love. Then it penetrates your bones and fills your mind. There are all kinds of theological and faith assertions, and those are important. But for me anyway, it is about connection and relationship. There will come a day (hopefully) when I move into some sort of acceptance of Soren’s death. But until then and after that, I still want a connection with him. I still need to be in relationship with him. Where is he? How do I do that?

These are big questions that go beyond Father’s Day and an e-newsletter. For now, I suppose the answer is similar to how I relate and connect to my father: I will talk to him and I will listen. I will carry both of them in my heart, thinking and praying for them often. And as I do that, standing between generations as I am, I hope for gratitude as well.    
Doug sig
 Beginnings and Endings:
Hope and Grief

In January of 2020, I wrote a Lumunos blog about preparing for two major relationship transitions—the birth of my son and the beginning of the end of my father’s life. I was readying myself for the challenges of connecting with a newborn and staying connected with my dad as his memories faded through the fog of Alzheimer’s. In my last update (February 2021), I wrote about the beautiful relationship developing between my son and daughter and the meaningful visits I was able to have with my dad despite the global pandemic.

In this final installment, I am writing about the ending of these transitions and my emergence on the other side. My son is now 14 months and toddling around with great gusto, and my dad has passed away. I find myself both hopeful and full of grief.

What I came to realize is that over the last year, I witnessed the simultaneous and paradoxical emergence of one person and the receding of another. While my son’s body grew and developed from a helpless nursling to a strong and ravenous toddler, my dad’s body atrophied, he grew more helpless, and his appetite waned. My son’s big personality revealed itself more and more as the weeks and months went by. He realized the power of making people laugh and he found his first words and phrases. At the same time, my dad’s big personality receded. He lost many words and the desire to command attention. Fortunately, he could still make people laugh with an occasional witty remark.

As we near Father’s Day this year, I am trying to figure out what exactly it means to be on the other side of these relationship transitions. My son and I have established a beautiful relationship full of love, laughter, and joy. It will change and evolve over time, of course, but the foundation is solid. I am full of hope as we emerge from our COVID bubble and explore the world together as a new family of four.

Since the spread of COVID, so many have encountered unexpected grief. With Alzheimer’s you have a lot of time to grieve. First, I realized that my dad would never be able to visit our new home, though I knew he would have been proud of us for making our dream of a little farm a reality. Then I recognized that my children would have little or no memory of their Grandpa Lee. The hardest part was accepting that there were parts of me I’d liked to have shared with him that he would never know. Though my daily life and routine is largely unaffected by his passing, my understanding of my place in the web of humanity suddenly seems a bit opaque. 

My dad wished for a simple scattering of ashes, so the eulogy I wrote for him will only be heard by a few close family members. However, there is one passage I would like to share in conclusion to this piece:
As he lost touch with his memories, his stories, his likes and dislikes—the things we often think of as who we are—he actually became more himself. It was as if he was distilled down to his essence, that essence being loving-kindness and humor. Though he was lost in the maze of his muddled mind, I enjoyed those last visits. You could still see the love in his eyes and his unhampered smile.

Becca Perry-Hill
Reflection Question

How do you connect with the fathers and sons (both past and present) in your life?

One More Reason to Donate...

In 2021, the government has made it more attractive
for all people to make charitable donations:

Individual taxpayers who don't itemize can again take advantage of a $300 deduction for charitable donations. That increases to $600 for couples who file jointly. For those who do itemize, there are additional big changes designed to incentivize giving. (Check with your tax advisor to see if that applies to you.) 
Upcoming Events
PT for the Soul
"Recasting Stones: Discovering Curiosity, Releasing Judgment"

Led by Dan Quinlan
June 25, 7-8:30pm ET

To learn more, click here.
Online Book Club
"Women Becoming"

Discussing Where the Light Enters by Dr. Jill Biden
Led by Becca Perry-Hill
July 7, 11am-12pm ET

To learn more, click here.
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Keep in Touch
Let us know what we can do for you.

Doug Wysockey-Johnson doug@lumunos.org    
Dan Quinlan dan@lumunos.org 
Rebecca Perry-Hill becca@lumunos.org
Alice Barbera alice@lumunos.org