BDJ SCHMOOZELETTER PURIM EDITION
February(?!)21st-ish | 9 Adar 5781
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Join us for a Watch Party of
"Purim Night Live (Prerecorded),"
BDJ’s Original 2021 Purim Shpiel,
featuring a lot of people you know!
(Recording will be available after the Watch Party on BDJ's YouTube page)
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- Zoom
- Zoom
- Zoom
- Zoom
- Zoom
- Zoom
- Shabbos
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MAZAL TOV!! To the Levinsons, who finally finished the tub of chickpeas they bought eleven months ago!
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MAZAL TOV!! To all the B’nai Mitzvah from the last eleven months, who say they will write you actual thank you cards when you send them actual non-Zoom gifts! Wow!
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YASHER KOACH!! To our shul’s beloved AGORAPHOBIC AND GERMAPHOBIC CHEVRAS -- what can we say? You were right!
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HEARTY CONGRATULATIONS!! To two beloved congregants who both happen to be of the same gender and are now considered one household under the B’nai David Constitution. Mazel-cough!
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SAFETY AND SECURITY REMINDER! |
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Do not congregate outside. We mean inside. We mean outside. Just don’t congregate. |
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Thank you to all of our volunteers. To volunteer email Josh Kahn. |
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We are seeking a volunteer to lovingly unplug the cholent pot at B'nai David, which has been setting off the fire alarm for the last 11 months. A Prayer we have composed for this occasion is posted on the secret rock-climbing wall behind the sanctuary, to be recited just as soon as the pots stop spitting out smoke and sparks.
While you are in the basement, please check in on Albie and Debra Cohen. They have been in the social hall since last Purim, lovingly making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
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WHAT IS THE FUTURE OF JEWISH SALAD DRESSING?
In the words of the prophet, “Emulsify me, Lord, anoint me with your dressings.” In this pluralistic, post-denominational Jewish reality and future of ours, what might salad dressings look like in ten years? Twenty years? Is this a question worth asking? Hard to say. Presented by the Jewish Institute of Grant Seeking, The Hellmann’s Society, the Foundation for Jewish Salads and Philosophy, and the Tischmann Center for Finding Jewish Things to Worry About.
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SPECIAL LEARNING EVENT PRESENTED BY THE OU
The OU will give a presentation on how they get their symbol even on very small cans of tuna fish. Fascinating! Of course, we are not invited because of the whole female clergy thing, but maybe a friend from Beth Jacob will lovingly give you their Zoom password?
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PUZZLE SWAP CHEVRA: Join us for a socially distanced event, where we will lovingly exchange our 1,000-piece puzzles. At the same time. With no boxes. Just puzzle pieces, everywhere.
BAKING CHEVRA: THIS THURSDAY! DOUGH AND DESPAIR! Special Challah baking Zoom, in which we will lovingly heap flour in a bowl and then spend the rest of the hour venting about the pandemic. PLEASE NOTE: It’s honestly unlikely you will end up with a loaf of bread so please buy in advance!
MOVIE AND MILCHIKS CHEVRA: Shmuel: A Kvetchy Man in Short Sleeves is an inspiring, revealing documentary about an Israeli man who might be a taxi driver or might be the former head of the Shin Bet. He tells everything from his experiences with Sadat to his secrets for making spicy tehina. Of course, it may all be bobbe maysos! Decide for yourself! A can’t miss! BYO cheese!
JOURNALISM CHEVRA: The Jewish Adjournal is seeking contributions. The Jewish Adjournal, the new magazine for those who have just given up!
BROIGEZ AND BELAYDIGT CHEVRA: We speak Yiddish, we take offense, and we are very excited that the Purim Shpiel is coming up.
CHEVRA-BUILDING CHEVRA: We are starting a new Chevra that will lovingly focus on creating new Chevras, as many as we possibly can.
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NEW CHEVRAS!
- NACHMANIDES AND NACHOS
- MAIMONIDES AND MICHELADAS
- LEVITICUS AND LOBSTER ROLLS - WHOOPS! HOW’D THAT GET IN THERE?
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Letter from a friend brought to you by the Schepping Naches Chevra: We recently received this lovingly written letter from Irena, from The Republic of Moldova.
Dear Bnai David,
My name is Irena and I work in Customer Service at Bed Bath & Beyond. Specifically, I oversee mass emails announcing our coupons and sales. I understand you have a warm, welcoming Modern Orthodox community devoted to Israel and the work of being a Jew, but, respectfully, please stop sending me emails! It seems every time I send one (which, again, is a mass email, not at all personal), you reply to it, inviting me to Mothers and Mishna or Smoothies and Sanhedrin or Tequila and Tosfos. I can not attend any of these zooms on account of my full-time job, which is to send out emails for Bed Bath & Beyond! My team here does thank you for sending the lemon Oreos (Mishloach Manot? It’s fine, please don’t email to explain what this is) but no I don’t want to join, right now. One, I live in Moldova and, two, I am Catholic. And, yes, I know of your interfaith events! They sound wonderful but, again, one reminder was enough. I do extend my sympathies to the Krantzkys on the passing of their dear aunt, and a hearty Mazal Tov to the Bergs on Eitan’s Bar Mitzvah but, please, I ask you, just to make myself clear, on behalf of Bed Bath & Beyond, please stop sending me so many emails. I am including a coupon for 20% off on bath mats which you can use, or not, but -- truly -- you do not need to respond to it! Wishing you a blessed Shabbat, and best wishes to you for a joyous Passover.
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AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM OUR COMMUNITY RABBIS |
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Well, Purim is here, and with it comes a good chance to talk about the dreadful specter of cancel culture. Cancel culture is awful -- unless of course it’s applied to a Jebusite. Truly, everyone should have a chance to redeem themselves… other than, also, Hittities and Emorites. But other than these, our tradition speaks strongly against cancel culture. Except, of course, for Amalekites who, it goes without saying, should be wiped from the earth. In conclusion, just please don’t cancel us, as it says, “yea, it’s all pretty tricky” (Fezequiel, 19:63). Rav Shlomo Someone has approved this message, and he’s the genius who worked out how to put the O-U on little tiny tuna cans, so there you have it. Hope it clears everything up!
Sincerely,
So Many Community Rabbis
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PURIM is coming up!
It might also be Shavuos, or Pride Weekend? Anyway!
Tune in for our live watch party of
“Purim Night Live (Prerecorded)”
BDJ’s Original 2021 Purim Shpiel,
featuring a lot of people you know!
(Recording will be available after the Watch Party on BDJ's YouTube page)
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Listen to what the critics are saying:
“Whose idea was this?” - The Jewish Journal
“Huh, this might actually be funny.” - Someone on line at Bibi's
“So good, you might want to watch it all the way through.” - Nick Merkin
“Wait, I don’t get it.” - The Purim Shpiel committee
“Did anyone review this?” - Adynna Swarz
"Stop calling me." - Rav Yosef
"Yay, another zoom!" - Rabbanit Alissa
"Why on earth would I watch something professionally produced on HBO when this is available?" - Cashier at the third register at Pico Glatt
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