Week One: Trust - Leaning into Discomfort
She had heard about Jesus, and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, for she said, “If I but touch his clothes, I will be made well.” Immediately her hemorrhage stopped; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease.
Immediately aware that power had gone forth from him, Jesus turned about in the crowd and said, “Who touched my clothes?” And his disciples said to him, “You see the crowd pressing in on you; how can you say, ‘Who touched me?’”
Mark 5:27-31
It all started with a full stop. Quiet nothing. But in the silence, I heard someone praying the Act of Contrition, a rote prayer from my childhood. I was “heartily sorry,” but mostly for myself, for being weak and woefully inadequate. Other words followed but all I heard between my ears was “I forgot about God!” How had this happened? How had I gotten so very far away? What had I been doing? Had it started a long time ago or just since this latest adventure? Well, this comeback was going to require a major do- over, reset, a major mulligan.
It seems the religious traditions of my growing up years had created a kind of shield over my heart. The themes of guilt and fear had blocked out the rest of the truth.
We were special in that way and encouraged to stay away from other faiths. In the fine print, however, were the connecting messages: That all of us are in a state of ongoing forgiveness and restoration. That is the truth of Jesus’ life. God is not waiting to zap us! God is for us. For all of us!
My older brother helped set me straight in the midst of such confusion. He gently encouraged me to reconsider my worth according to God’s words. He had learned to do this through a friend, but for me it was a major stretch to take him seriously, having heard
Jeff referred to as a fanatic. He was actually reading the Bible! I decided to trust him. If what I was reading was true, I might see my way clear to learning more about God and Jesus again.
So, I accepted an invitation to attend a house church. Yikes! There was music, laughter, prayer, study, and worship. It was called The Zoo and became a kind of launch pad for me. The folks there seemed able to see the world through God’s eyes without flinching, with compassion and hope. They were fearless.
Perhaps I could redirect and start the do-over in earnest. I could at least consider Jesus and his point of view, His will, and practice some of that fearlessness myself.
Some “leaps of faith” have been bigger than others. A new job, a move, graduate school. But at least I was consulting the best possible source. I could find another church home, join another community to keep me on the right path. Now that I had the grace and forgiveness part of the Gospels, I dare not “forget about God” again. I memorized Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.
The work I do today is quite dependent on this assurance. My clients come with heart breaking stories. Though many are not imminently resolvable, I can be a sturdy witness and a voice of hope. Most of all, at the end of the day I can turn these sorrows over to God. I do not carry these burdens alone or take them personally. They are symptoms of a broken world. I know this is not the end of the story.
Many questions remain of course. And I still feel grief and sorrow.
Truth be told, it is humbling to feel disappointed, sometimes angry and hurt while claiming to be a follower of Jesus. Learning to be still, to quiet my “fix-it” mindset has made way for much improved stress management. I am not alone. I am not the healer. I am just a well-loved helper. Now the quiet is nothing.
It is a healing place. The stillness needed to receive guidance and acknowledge blessings.
