Be Specifically Vague.
What you tell a child to do has to be held as the expectation. If you tell them to go from the house to the mailbox "only walking on the driveway", you'll need to watch them the whole time and add a consequence if they don't follow your instructions.
If the goal is simply getting to the mailbox, simply say "go to the mailbox". This way they have a specific instruction, but can choose wisely or poorly how to complete it. If they come in with muddy shoes from walking off the driveway they'll need to scrub them clean, but there is no power battle on how the task was completed.
Be specific on what you want the end goal to be, and vague on how they'll get there so their brain can work it out and get stronger.
SILENTLY Observe.
Let your child do it their way for as long as they need to. They can have a battle with themselves about it, you don't need to get involved in it. Silently watch them do it wrong, backwards, inefficiently, or sloppily. When they think they're done just give them a hug and tell them to try again. They'll figure it out eventually and feel proud of themselves for problem solving!
Brain Un-sticking.
Some kiddos get so stuck in their belief that they can't do anything right that they are completely unable to do a job properly. When this happens they need action to get their brain unstuck - action, not words!
When you see them spiraling into this mindset tell them to go jump on the mini tramp. NO other words. When they have jumped for 2-5 minutes tell them to hop back to work. NO other words. Repeat it any time you see them getting stuck; some brains need a lot of exercise.
Unlimited Time.
A job or task that we think should take a child 10 or 15 minutes is in reality a job or task that will take a traumatized brain HOURS to figure out. Our brains have functioning logic and reasoning and good self-esteem; our kiddos brains don't.
Give your child as much time as they need to figure it out. No consequences, no timers, no lectures, and no stress. Take the time that your child is spending on a task and work on a project, read a book, or catch up on some work.
Rushing them or "shaming" them for taking a long time will only set their brain further back and start a control war between the two of you. Let it go and remember that this time isn't being wasted, it's being spent in brain healing and growth.
Empathy.
Your child will at some point have a pity party about how unfair life is, that they'll never figure this out, that it's going to take them f o r e v e r to get it done, etc.
Be empathetic, but still firm. "I'm so sorry you feel that way." "It must be so hard for you to think that about yourself." "I love you." Ruffle their hair, pat their back, give a hug.
Asking for Help.
It will take a long, long time for our kids to ask for help. Sometimes they really don't know how to do something, or might need a different tool for the job. DON'T offer advice or pointers, or better tools. Let them figure it out and get the courage to come and ask.
