As I watched the TV coverage of the summit live, two things struck me. First was the difference of demeanor in the two men after they emerged from the initial private face-to-face meeting. Before that
tête
-à-
tête, President Trump and Kim Jong-Un were stiff, tense, uncomfortable and strained. The barrier between them was almost tangible. When they reappeared after that closed-door meeting, they seemed more relaxed and comfortable in each other’s company. They even enjoyed a nice post-lunch stroll together in the exquisite surroundings of the Capella Hotel.
The second thing that I found striking, was the respect, appreciation and dignity each afforded the other in public, despite their previous enmity. Kim made a point of arriving before President Trump, due to Korean culture where the more junior statesman pays deference to the more senior by arriving before him. Kim also made an effort of addressing the President in English with a token “Nice to meet you Mr. President”. He also expressed vulnerability by acknowledging earlier prejudices. Mr. Trump in turn, showered the Chairman with compliments and attention.
These two elements, the first, treating the other with respect and the second, face-to-face talking are key components to begin a process of mending fences.
Treat the other with respect:
When someone feels respected and appreciated, they will tend to feel more at ease and cooperative. It will allow them to see points they can appreciate about you or your point of view and the relationship will build.
When negotiating, look for opportunities to express sincere and authentic respect and appreciation for the other side. It might be about how they are negotiating; their constructive sharing and openness; the merits of their reason and arguments; or solutions and ideas that they might be proposing; or as Kim did by expressing appreciation to President Trump for making the meeting happen!
If it is genuine and sincere, unconditional respect and appreciation is an important element of procedural integrity that will pave the way for a satisfying negotiation, resulting in good outcomes and strong, trusting relationships. It will also help repair and restore relationships that were previously combative and confrontational, such as was the case at the Singapore Summit.
Engage in face-to-face talks:
In situations of conflict, parties tend to dehumanize one another and each perceives the other as the villain. Without communication between the parties, those negative perceptions are reinforced, which in turn risk an escalation of the conflict, as trust erodes and misunderstandings assume catastrophic proportions. We have been living it until now with North Korea and the United States throwing insults at each other such as “little rocket man” and “dotard”.
Conversely, when talk occurs, the dehumanization and negative perceptions of one another diminishes. Each sees an actual and real human being on the other side with their own fears, needs, concerns and constraints. Walls are chipped away and doors may potentially be cracked open. This was the main achievement and breakthrough with the Trump-Kim summit.
When relationships have deteriorated and are extremely strained, and constructive dialogue and negotiations are impossible, invest in fence-mending by deploying the strategies of respect and face-to-face talk.
