Dear Families,
I’ve been known to quip that seventh grade is the pinnacle of human
meanness. While this is far from a scientific fact, and perhaps an unfair
generalization (world events would certainly indicate that there are far meaner
people out there), my characterization comes from over twenty-five years of
marveling at the range of unkind acts that can occur with both boys and girls during
the middle school years. Mr. Benzie and I have seen online posts that have attacked
classmates for appearance, intelligence, interests, etc. We’ve seen strings of curses
that could curl your hair. And, at times, we’ve needed to address homophobic,
misogynistic, and racial slurs. Please don’t for a second think that I feel that
Wayland is plagued by bad kids – quite the contrary. I can’t imagine a better
community in which to work, full of truly amazing students who make good
decisions more often than they don’t. My comment more captures the
developmental myopia kids experience in early adolescence and the egocentric
unkindness that can occur as students explore identity and power while struggling
to find their place among peers. So, what is going on developmentally for tweens
and teens at this time? How can we support our children when they experience
unkindness at the hands of classmates? When should a parent really worry and seek
out help? While our children do not come with instruction manuals (wouldn’t that
have been nice), I can share a bit of what I have discovered through the years that
might help a parent understand and survive these challenging years.
The teen brain is fascinating and seems riddled with contradictions. In
adolescence the brain grows at a rate that mirrors that of a toddler who is learning
to walk and talk. New synapses are forming constantly, just as they were during the
terrible twos, yet simultaneously grey matter pruning is underway as the brain
develops to become more efficient. Students are gaining the capacity to engage in
abstract thought, yet their pre-frontal cortexes are far from fully developed. This
impacts their ability to think deeply about the consequences of their decisions.
Simultaneously, hormones wreak havoc as teens process the stimuli from their
environment through the emotional centers of the brain. As their bodies and brains
are changing at astounding rates, they can be incredibly awkward, self-conscious
and self-absorbed. Even so, students are beginning to explore the capacity for
empathy and they consider the perspectives of others. I have seen students debate
thoughtfully and show incredible insight into issues such as prejudice and injustice
during a social studies class, yet hours later post a cruel comment about a classmate
online, without considering the hurtful repercussions. You may have experienced
angst-ridden conversations in which your own child seems to both love and hate
you simultaneously. While incredibly frustrating, this paradox is developmentally
normal. (For more information on the teen brain see “10 Facts Every Parent Should
Know about their Child’s Teen Brain”).
During this time of unparalleled growth and development, friendships often
shift. This can be due to changes in interests and activities as students discover the
many new paths offered in middle school. An exploration of identity and wrestling
with its many facets including racial identity, gender identity, and sexual identity
can also contribute. For others, popularity can be a motivator. Some kids look to
“improve” their perceived place in the social order, and cast aside friendships that
“detract” from that goal in the process. The egocentric desire to fit in can lead
students to turn a blind eye on the hurt they cause through their actions. Students
might ignore former friends and even engage in relational aggression as they
unskillfully break ties, causing pain in the process. The emotional pull leads parents
to want to intervene and help preserve those elementary friendships. Parents may
yearn to prevent the upheaval that occurs in this process. This can even make it
harder for kids to move forward. Often parental friendships are grounded in the
elementary friendships of their children, so it can be awkward to know what role to
play, whether their child is the one looking to leave the relationship or the one being
left. Helping your child understand that changing relationships are a normal part of
middle school can be reassuring. You might share relevant examples from your own
experience as a teen, to help them normalize this painful process. Focusing on
resilience and seeking out new connections may help. Keeping a high expectation
around kindness is also important. Not everyone has to be friends, but there is no
need to be cruel as relationships shift. Often just being there to lend a listening ear,
dry a tear, and offer a comforting hug can be the support they need. Learning to see
that they can get through the pain and come out the other side is a necessary life
skill.
There are times, however when a student finds himself or herself on the
receiving end of extreme teenage cruelty including bullying and or cyber-bullying.
As a school we educate about bullying and the law and offer formal presentations to
all three grades. We follow up in TAG and through Wellness classes to teach kids
about characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships, referencing our core
tenets of BERT - Belonging, Empathy, Respect, and Trust as a constant drumbeat.
We make kids aware of the ACT acronym that can help when they know about
bullying (or any other situation that causes one to deeply worry about a classmate).
•
Acknowledge
- Acknowledge that there is a problem.
•
Care
- Let the person know you care.
•
Tell
- Tell a trusted adult.
Bullying is never okay, and allowing it to persist is detrimental to both the target
and the aggressor. Your child may need your help and intervention if this is the
case. As a parent if you find your child unable to sleep, losing interest in their daily
activities, or feeling fearful about going to school, please let us know. Our guidance
counselors are amazing, and we can work together to assist you and your child. She
or he does not have to suffer in isolation.
Parenting is tricky business and there is no single right way to do it. Every
child is different and requires an individualized approach, especially during this
time of emotional volatility in early adolescence. At some point, I predict your child
(who may be incredibly sweet) will do something mean. I also predict that someone
will do something mean to him or her. It is part of growing up. As students’
friendships shift, don’t try to micromanage, but be there for them when they are
feeling low. Love them, give them space, and don’t hesitate to commiserate with
fellow parents. Know that our professionals here at school are here to help,
particularly if you are worried. Together we will try to navigate this pinnacle of
human meanness and raise healthy resilient young adults.
Respectfully,
Betsy Gavron
Please feel free to partake of this list of helpful reads. The books speak to the
developmental time period that includes the middle school years and might help
you better understand and support your teen:
❖
7 Things Your Teenager Won't Tell You: And How to Talk About Them Anyway by Jenifer
Marshall Lippincott & Robin M. Deutsch
❖ Enough As She Is: How to Help Girls Move Beyond Impossible Standards of Success to Live
Healthy, Happy, and Fulfilling Lives by Rachel Simmons
❖ Get Out of my Life….But First Can You Take me and Cheryl to the Mall? by Anthony Wolf
❖ The Grown-Up’s Guide to Teenage Humans: How to Decode Their Behavior, Develop Trust and
Raise a Respectable Adult by Josh Shipp
❖ Masterminds and Wingmen by Rosalind Wiseman
(about the social world of boys)
❖ Odd Girl Out, Revised and Updated: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel
Simmons
❖ The Primal Teen: What New Discoveries about the Teenage Brain Tell us about Our Kids by
Barbara Strauch
❖ Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman
(about the social world of girls)
❖ So Sexy So Soon by Diane Levin
❖ Staying Connected to Your Teenagers: How to Keep Them Talking to You and How to Hear What
They are Really Saying by Michael Riera
❖ The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens: Strategies for Unlocking Your Child’s Full
Potential by Douglas Haddad
❖ Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Lisa Damour
PhD
❖ The Way of Boys: Promoting the Social and Emotional Development of Boys by Anthony Rao
