When I was almost six years old, I became friends with the little girl who lived across the street from me. Even though she was a year younger than me we played together all the time and became best of friends. Since I was older, I got to go to kindergarten first (many of the firsts we would share throughout the years). I can remember Donna standing behind her hedges crying when I left. And sitting on her front steps waiting for me when I got home 3 ½ hours later. More than 40 years later, we still talk about that day quite often. You see, we are still best friends. We have other friends, our families and our children. We've moved (but we've promised to never move too far) and we've grown and changed. But we are still there for each other every single day either in person, or on the phone or just in our thoughts. It's a friendship that has endured the test of time and survived beautifully.

This pretty remarkable relationship got me thinking. How do young children make friends, and more importantly how do they learn how to be a friend? Is there anything that parents can do to help children develop lasting friendships? And at what age is it typical for true friendships to begin?

With very young children it's often more about what another child is playing with or capable of doing that provokes interest from another child. Many adults misinterpret this interest as the beginning of possible lasting friendships, and can often times be disappointed when "friendships" begin to fade. Because very young children don't have many of the skills and emotional capabilities that help to sustain positive relationships, these types of friendships won't evolve until children are closer to the age of five or six. Children need to be equipped with some of the skills necessary to initiate, cooperate and maintain social interactions. Also the ability to compromise, collaborate, and plan and having similar interests contribute significantly to children being able to develop friendships.  

Theorists have agreed that one way for parents to encourage social acceptance and healthy peer relationships is by modeling or coaching their children in the ways of relating to peers. They also reason that more often than not friendships can be traced to basic lifestyle decisions by parents. These things have more of an impact on children's social abilities than when parents try to provide overwhelming amounts of opportunities for their children to spend time with other children and subtly force children into social situations they might not be ready for or feel comfortable being in. So when you see your child engaged in positive social relationships, whether it is with the same children (who may potentially become a good friend) or with new acquaintances, remember to be supportive, have realistic expectations and most of all model behaviors that emphasize what true friendships are really about.

Supporting and watching children when they are playing and interacting with each other is a true pleasure to be a part of. Enjoy these earlier experiences with your child and you'll help them to be able to develop the tools to be able to sustain true and lasting friendships.